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Appreciation and How To Know What To Appreciate People For

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How can appreciation light up your partner’s world, and how can you know what to appreciate them for? The Appreciation Game. Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com share.

Reid: This just in. You know who you are. We won’t say your name but you left this comment, “I never comment in these but I always watch and absolutely adore this channel.” You’ll be watching this video. We’re talking to you. You rock.

Cathy: Thank you.

Reid: Thank you for leaving your first comment or whatever comment it was and for watching these videos. We know who you are and we’re talking to you. You’re amazing. I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: We don’t know what we’re talking about. We just hit record because we wanted to thank you. That goes to all of you who watch, who never left a comment, we like you too.

Cathy: We can talk about appreciation.

Reid: Appreciation. What would you like to be appreciated for, Cathy?

Cathy: I would like to be appreciated for my patience.

Reid: Really?

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli, I would like to appreciate you for your patience.

Cathy: Thank you.

Reid: Thank you for being patient with me in times that I have tried your patience.

Cathy: Yes, you have. Thank you for …

Reid: That’s a lot.

Cathy: What would you like to be appreciated for, Reid?

Reid: I would like to be appreciated for shooting these videos when I’m often cranky and don’t want to shoot them because when we hit record, it changes my mood. I want to be appreciated for showing up.

Cathy: Thank you very much for showing up. I appreciate you, Reid.

Reid: Thank you. I want to appreciate you for showing up through my cranky pantsness to shoot the videos.

Cathy: Thank you. It’s worth it. It’s fun.

Reid: It is. That little game, what can I be appreciated for? I would like to be appreciated for, let’s just teach that.

Cathy: My old method was I go, “Well, I worked really hard.” I would kind of hint at things or I would appreciate someone else with the hopes of being appreciated back. It didn’t work a lot. Or if I did get appreciation, it wasn’t for the thing I wanted. I love this example. Reid’s like just go up and ask somebody.

Reid: Train your communities, your friends, your families, your kids if you have kids, to ask for appreciation by doing this, “I would like to be appreciated.” Then you reply, “What would you like to be appreciated for?” Their job is to tell you specifically what it is they want to be appreciated for and then you get present with them and appreciate them for that thing. Then usually, people will argue, “Oh, it doesn’t feel organic.” Listen, dropping hints …

Cathy: Is not okay.

Reid: In trying to get people to pick up hints and then appreciate you for the wrong thing, that just sucks. That’s not organic at all.

Cathy: It doesn’t feel very powerful.

Reid: Then you get resentful. Asking for things clearly but building in and this is where the kick back is or the payoff, when you role model for your friends and family and your community that it’s okay to ask specifically for what they want to be appreciated for, they will often come to you and be really specific about when they need to be appreciated which then you get to win, they win and then you can stop reading their minds and listening for weird hints.

Cathy: When our tanks are low, it’s harder to be kind and present and generous with people. I know when my tanks are low, I’m crankier. I’m just not as fun to be around for myself or others. When I ask for what in need and my tanks get filled up, I just feel good. Sometimes, if I see Reid being cranky, I’ll say, “Hey, do you need to be appreciated for something?”

Reid: I’ll say no. No. You didn’t get any of my hints. All right, maybe I…okay. I would like to be appreciated for such and such.

Cathy: Usually if I appreciate him for being amazing and awesome and incredibly generous with his time.

Reid: I’d be grudgingly feel just a little better.

Cathy: Make it genuine though. I’m not appreciating him just because, if you fake it, people can tell. Look for the real appreciation. The real genuine stuff.

Reid: If you’re really scrubbing the bottom of the boat because you’re like, “Oh my God, why don’t you just get it? Why do you always come to me with this appreciation?” The winning thread is if I appreciate them, if I really thank them for telling me what they needed, oh, they’re telling me exactly what they need. That saves me a buttload of bullshit later from them being cranky because I couldn’t figure out their hint. “Oh my goodness, I really can thank you. I really can appreciate you for needing appreciation about this thing that you brought me. Thank you so much.”

Cathy: Trusting, to be vulnerable and requesting something that’s really heartfelt.

Reid:   That changes relationships over time. Leave your comments. What would you like to be appreciated for right now?

Cathy: Come back. We have another video on a similar topic that’s going to rock your world.

Reid:   We do?

Cathy: Yes.

Reid:   Amazing.

 

More articles on improving communication and relationship skills:

Having The Courage To Be Vulnerable (Appreciation)

Using Appreciation Sandwiches To Build Connection While Giving Feedback

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