How do you have a long term relationship that’s conscious and loving, but doesn’t look like marriage, children, joint checking accounts (necessarily).
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said they love the slut protocols that you put together.
Reid: Yeah, http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/slutprotocols.
Cathy: But they wanted to know if you have created a set of protocols for longer term relationships that are not about the relationship or they have lived in together. They wonder about that immediate territory between living together non-exclusively and monthly hook ups. They’re wondering if there is such a thing as stable weekly dating relationship more so to long term friends with benefits when friends are really deep friends or is that biologically impossible.
Reid: Nothing is biologically impossible except fuck going or fucking yourself.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Oh, you changed your shirt again.
Reid: Duh! Boo!
Cathy: So, I think it is entirely possible. You don’t have a lot of role models for that. Most people were like ‘when are you getting married?’ ‘When are you moving in?’
Reid: Well, because relationships – if you like somebody you’re supposed to be moving in towards the trajectory.
Cathy: Yeah, to kids and retirement.
Reid: Can’t just be a satellite, stable orbit around whatever it is that you need. I like that, that was good. You’ve got the taste of the grass. What do you think? How do you like my analogy, my friend?
Cathy: So, I think, I mean, you don’t have a set of protocols yet for something like that.
Reid: Well, uhm.. you think I don’t?
Cathy: Or you haven’t shared them publicly or with me.
Reid: Of course. [inaudible 00:01:26] everything. Basically, the slut protocol or the casual sex protocols are things to watch out for that tend to have people fall in love whether they are intending to fall in love or not. Basically, imprinting and bonding.
Cathy: Yeah, make it cautious [inaudible 00:01:49] rather than.
Reid: So, when you know how you imprint and how you start to fall in love you can back it up a little bit so you can still have funs and still care a lot of people but not go into a crazy ‘I’m stoned on you, I need you like you’re my drug dealer fix’. So, that’s what the casual sex protocols are all about. Don’t take your casual sex casually. We can apply these things as well to your friends with benefits or I want to have a deep meaningful relationship but not make you a life partner, not move in, not moving towards the trajectory of whatever you want out of a deep long term relationship.
Cathy: Which is partly dating your specie finding someone who want that as well and has any other needs may else work.
Reid: Yeah. And so, dating your specie is not a thing you can get on my website store http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/store and that will help you start figuring out what your preferences and needs are and you can do that protocol for friendships. You can do that exact same protocols for ‘I want to have a monthly or weekly dating relationship’ with somebody who is also a good fit for that. When you start trying to make somebody into something that they’re not a good fit, you’re creating a headache for yourself and frustration usually for them. So, this is where it is tricky because you’re like ‘Reid, I really, really like them’ which is your version of which I should rephrase as ‘Reid, I have these needs that are important to me and this person can’t meet them’ in which case you then go a logical dealt. I should find somebody who can meet them which will kick up all your ‘I’ll be alone forever, I’ll be only one’ which will be hopefully less troubling because you haven’t fallen in love with them because you have been following the casual sex protocols. Right? But when you have fallen in love with them, you’re cooked, you’re fucked. Because you’re like ‘ahhh’ you’re stoned on them. So, you have to do the work. The odds that this is just going to happen organically because your life is about being organic. Listen, farming organically, my farmer friends can confirm this, has a lot of freaking work to make things great and organic takes a lot of work and it is delicious. Delicious and good for you. So, put the work in to figure out what you need. I’m babbling, you go.
Cathy: No, but..
Reid: Speak! Give them advice, wisdom. Now! As you can tell, I’m passionate about this stuff.
Cathy: So, if you have a really good understanding about what your needs are and what you want and you share that with another person like you’re very upfront and you have an excellent strategy in place, that’s getting the organic dirt in there and getting the natural pesticide like getting lady bugs instead of spraying everything and help the lady bug stay but..
Reid: She bought lady bugs for her garden and they’re like ‘fuck this’. Yeah. We’ll talk about promiscuous later.
Cathy: You’re putting the things in place to make it strong and then you can have idea with my extra strategies and my relationship about every 6 months or so like this are relationship in two. I sit down and like are we going in the right direction? Are we both feel good about this? Is there extra strategies solid? Is kind of checking and “OH, everything is going great we can just let automatic irrigation going and show it for a thing”
Reid: And I think part of the question is that, how do we avoid certain biological threaters?
Cathy: Where we want to…
Reid: Because we want to see each other weekly, and we don’t want to fall madly in love. It sounds like, because we don’t want a complication with that. Now, there’s a trajectory in we fall in love, we move in, we get married, we have kid, we die together kind of thing. Right? Understand what your Ideal trajectory for a long term relationship would be. Not with this person but for long term in general. Have them tell you what theirs is, so you’re aware of cultural narrative that is the gravity that want to suck the satellite back to earth. And just be aware of what that is, and then start mapping out. Okay well I would like us to be close, like close fuck buddies or whatever term and ideally I want to get my relationship needs met from you once a week or whatever stay in touch I want to have a relationship but I don’t want it to be a moving in or we are going to have babies. And get really intentional about what that is the best you can and see if the other person can go on board with that.
Cathy: And things change overtime and we all have limits. I found that if I feel I’m crushing to one I don’t want to fall in love with or I’m starting to feel those sometimes. Just say it out loud “hey I feel I got a crush on you “It takes a lot of secrecy and it makes easier to have choice about it.
Reid: I would also like to get through with the casual sex protocols. And find, Pick where you’re weak areas are. Like where you’re tripping to dip stoned out love. And have the other person figure that out. So you know, Like we can see each other for a week but let’s not do sleep overs.
Cathy: Or let’s not go to shopping or further see each other whatever.
Reid: Whatever those things are, it’s okay if you trip over some of your imprinting and you start imprinting and un imprint little bit and it’s about being really conscious with it, and getting really really clear with each other. What the needs are that you’re trying to get met. And when would it not be a good fit? And again you’re going to make some mistakes but it’s worthwhile doing that those exercises.
Cathy: We love your feedback.
Reid: Leave questions and feedback, Thanks for writing in.