Authenticity and Intimacy

Authenticity and Intimacy

Cathy Vartuli from talks about being authentic to create more intimacy.

Most people want intimacy. They want connection and love…but they’re not quite sure how to get that.

I know. I struggled for years.

I thought that if I could pretend enough, and act the way I thought I was supposed to enough, and try to guess what you wanted and be that, I’d finally get the intimacy.

If I could twist myself inside out enough, I’d finally find the connections and love I really wanted.

It didn’t work. That never works. All it does is drive you slowly crazy, and make you feel more and more inauthentic.

Real intimacy comes when we’re vulnerable. We share the very things that I was trying the hardest to hide.

It took a lot for me to realize that. I didn’t want to give up on the patterns and the hopes that I’d had for so long. I kept waiting for Prince Charming to show up with the white horse and my glass slipper but I was hiding in my house, he couldn’t have found me if he wanted to.

If you want more intimacy, the best way to do that is start being a little more vulnerable.

That sounds so counterintuitive, especially when most of us are really afraid of being hurt.

We grew up being bullied on the school yard, picked on in high school, laughed at at the dance. We’re afraid, and we don’t want to be hurt again. But we’re so lonely, and our life doesn’t have what we need.

I would like to invite you to start opening up just a little bit.

It doesn’t mean that you have to go and bare your deepest, darkest secret with anyone, or go up to a stranger and give them your PIN number.

You are allowed to have privacy, but if you can, when you’re feeling shy or awkward, let someone know that.

For me, that was one of the most profound things I could do. I get really nervous when I speak in front of people. Getting up, I would always try to pretend that I wasn’t, even though I was shaking, and you could see the pointer moving back and forth because my hands were shaking.

It never worked. The more I tried to pretend, the more my body knew I was telling a lie, and that just came through. People could tell I was petrified.

The first time I gave a speech, where I went up and I said, “Hi, I’m Cathy Vartuli, and I get shy and awkward in front of groups,” something miraculous happened. I wasn’t nervous anymore. As soon as I owned the truth, it transformed and changed.

If you’re really scared about connecting, but you really long to, I invite you to try this. Share with people what you’re actually feeling… not what you’d like them to know about you, but what’s true for you. What’s in your heart, what you’re feeling in your body, what’s in your mind.

The next time you’re at a party, and you don’t have anything to say, say, “I hate things like this. I never know what to say.”

A lot of times, someone else will say, “Oh my God, me too?”

Then all of a sudden, a conversation is started about all the awkward parties you’ve ever been to. You are having a connection. You’re being intimate and present with someone else.

I’d love to know what you think. Leave comments below or drop an email to Let me know what comes up for you as you try these things.

Good luck, and go out there and form some connection.

By | 2015-12-23T12:46:21+00:00 August 16, 2015|Relationship Skills|