Cathy: Do you ever find that you’re getting attracted, you find yourself attracted to people that are distant or emotionally unavailable? That can be a pattern that some people can fond to. And if you can just hit them upside the head it would make you feel better.
Reid: Yeah, just do that. Next video please.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Reid, what can someone do if they find themselves in that pattern?
Reid: Well, if you’re attracted to people that are distant or unavailable, you seem to be the common denominator in all of these situations. Get real with yourself. Why do you have a penchant for picking people that are unavailable, picking people that are distant? Why not pick people that are available? Why not pick people that are more the opposite of distant basically. More open. More connected. People that are basically probably going to yield, better relationships, people that are better communicators, people that want to be in a relationship. Why are you putting all these extra work on your plate? What are you trying to prove? It might be that you need to go take a workshop or get some therapy to explore that.
Cathy: I had to do that. I have a history of sexual abuse. I was actually afraid of being intimate. I thought I would be hurt. I also had a belief that the people that I want to be with wouldn’t want to be with me. I was actually creating that. The belief was strong enough that I was actively, not consciously but I was going out and the people that I was attracted to are the ones that weren’t available. That was attractive to me at a point.
Reid: Safe in a certain way.
Cathy: Very safe. If I ended up in a relationship with them, there wasn’t too much closeness. I wasn’t too close. I could always be like, “Oh, if only I was better, different.” Or “If only that other person would open up.” Then I would have the intimacy. I would kind of, there’s a cross between blaming myself and blaming the other person rather than facing the problem. Luckily I was able to look at the problem a little bit more, realize what was I was doing and putting that up so I was able to want to be with people that want to be with me.
Reid: What…where might you be causing this situation for yourself? What tools or skill sets can you develop or get so that you can open up your own fears, feel safer, be more courageous and start picking people that are more available, more open for relationships. It’s okay to be scared. I’m often scared to death in a lot of areas in my life. I’m very comfortable with how afraid I am. I’m very confident with how awkward and insecure I feel. I can show up in the world even though I’m still petrified and often feeling like the awkward 7th grader. I know that about myself and I have the tools and wherewithal to show up still which allows me to ask for the things I want and to start interacting with and attracting the people that are better fit for me for creating the life that I want.
Cathy: It is possible that you can build up. The first times I started reaching out to people, I was terrified. It just gets easier the more you practice. You can take baby steps and start. Ask a friend to practice with you. If you’re okay having close friends but not romantic friends, you talk to people about that. Get it out of your head where it’s bad neighborhood up here.
Reid: Check out http://MeetUp.com or go to a workshop. Build a community around you with people that geek out about these same kinds of things so you guys can work together on these things. One, you don’t feel alone. Two, by working together with other people, you start building community. Those people because they’re also working on these skill sets, they might be really great people for you to be friends with, potentially date. I don’t know. Your mileage may very.
Cathy: You deserve to have a connection. You deserve to have many connections and getting over this whether it’s you’re trying to finally prove you can win your dad over if he was distant or your first relationship who was distant, you finally won that or that you’re afraid to get too close. If you can get that stuff handled, relationships can be so beautiful when you’re with someone who wants to be there.
Reid: How are you making yourself more available to yourself and to the world? That was good. Let’s end it there. Comments.
More articles on how to improve your sex skills:
Being Physically Intimate with Bigger People
Energetic Sex: Mindfulness and Mental Presence To Heat Things Up
