How do you know if your relationship is worth saving… And how can you save it?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “Is there a way back from the brink? How can you assess a relationship and tell if it can be made to flourish again?”
Reid: The brink of destruction?
Cathy: Or [inaudible 00:00:10]
Reid: The brink of insanity. The brink of the known universe. This is Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Alright. How would you assess?
Cathy: I’m an engineer so I like to be really logical about things. And I like to say I’ve actually do less. I’ve done this before. What am I getting out of the relationship? What do I think the relationship is contributing to both people’s lives? Then also the negatives, what isn’t working? And I like to sit down with the partner and say, “Hey, can we fix this negatives things that are getting in the way?” To me, relationship is useful as long as it’s helping both people grow and experience life in really powerful way. There’s got to be times where it’s tough. But if overall the relationship isn’t supporting both people, then it might be time to get out.
Knowing exactly what the negative things are, the things that are causing the road blocks, and getting specific about them and identifying “Is this something we can fix? Is this something that will change overtime?” vs something that, “This is who we are and this isn’t got to change.” that helps me decide whether the relationship can be, is worthy effort of trying to save it. The [goal 00:01:29] I love you while you teach, is the goal isn’t always to keep the relationship alive, no matter what. Do want to share about that?
Reid: No. You should share. I think what I would add to what you’re saying is take the resentments that were there and see if you push those off to the side. Resentments grow out of you’re not talking care of yourself. You’re not saying, “No” to something or not having the clarity to renegotiate or adjust something what’s going on.
Most people are taught to use resentments as a form of blame like, “I resent you because you did this things to me over and over again.” When really the empowering part is I have resentments which is a clue that I was not speaking up for myself or if I was speaking up, I wasn’t actually making that a bottom line or drawing a line. So I re-expose myself over and over to a situation that the intention could have been very genuine and very noble but the resentments are usually building up because you are not taking care of yourself.
Reid: So when you move those aside, ‘cause trying to figure out to get an assessment, looking through resentment, just excuse everything and you won’t get an accurate reading. Hair engineer. So you move those aside, what your intention for being in relationships at all? Which is something that Relationship10x we talk about, the online course. Why you two are in a relationship? What’s the intention and what’s the purpose?
When you look out things, if you still have that shared intention, shared purpose, and it’s align with why your relationship to begin with. If you’re in relationship for security and you’re dating somebody who makes you feel insecure.
Cathy: That’s not a good fit.
Reid: Not a good fit. I would say, even if you guys have a shared intention…
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