Why are you in relationships? What if the relationship is non-traditional?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com and Raj.Cathy: Are you considering a non-traditional relationship? A marriage without sex? What are we talking about? I’m Cathy Vartuli from https://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Are you considering a non-traditional relationship? A marriage without sex? What are we talking about? I’m Cathy Vartuli from https://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Andi: I’m Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Raj: Hi, I’m Raj and I’m an ordinary guy who likes coffee in dosed.
Cathy: And happens to be married to Andi.
Raj: Who happens… Yeah.
Andi: Yes, he is also my spouse.
Cathy: I love you guys’ energy, thank you for being here and let me play with you. We’re just talking about like you have a wonderful marriage. It’s really connected and beautiful but you are not having sex.
Cathy: What advice if you… each of one best step to the viewers? If you’re considering non-traditional relationship/marriage, how do you want to define that, what’s one tip for going forward of that or exploring that?
Andi: I think the first one is asking yourself what you want out of your relationship because there’s a lot of social pressure to have sex and marriage and then there’s also a lot of social pressure to “not accept the defeat” if you are in a sexless marriage. Which is a different conversation. For me, I realized that not having sex in my marriage was something that I actually, actively chose and want it.
Cathy: You were just avoiding something.
Andi: I wasn’t avoiding something and all of the books about low desire and reigniting passion, long term relationships, something’s weren’t relevant to me because I realized that Raj is the most amazing husband in life partner I could ever have. Why would I fuck that up? I want him as the person that I take over the world with. Why would I let something else get in the way with that? I think the tip is make sure that what you’re wanting is what you really wanting. If for you, your bottom line is, “I definitely don’t want to be married to someone if I don’t have sex.” Well, then don’t.
Cathy: Or get help and work through whatever issues you might have.
Andi: Right, exactly. But just try to think about what’s right for you and contrast to what everyone tells you should want because you’re going to get messages from everywhere.
Cathy. Yeah, that’s beautiful. Thank you. How about you, Raj?
Raj: For me, it’s a little bit different because obviously as you heard, this is a feeling that comes from Andi and I. I still… I love sex and this was something that came to me as a surprise when my wife express that she doesn’t want to have sex in the marriage.
Cathy: That’s really hard when you want something and the other partner doesn’t. That’s really painful…
Raj: That’s definitely hard. It is also like while it’s difficult, it’s important to remember what else makes a marriage. Whether it’s another connection that support the sign of relationship you’ve done toward the knowledge of each other that you have. Weigh that against the sex and for me, the sex was just one part of the marriage and we have so much going on that it makes it what to be in the marriage.
The other thing is that, it’s all of brings me to a situation where I have to make a very conscious and deliberate choice about what I want my sex life to be. It causes me to think, which as a society, since there are all these norms where the marriage and sex life should look like. We don’t actually have to think about it. We start falling to the raft and we go and said, “Okay, this is what my marriage will look like.” And that’s want my life, people. But when you have to make a very conscious choice within an unusual situation, it really forces you to think what you want and go through that process. That’s something I’m still going through so it’s not over. I can’t say I know everything what I want but I’m sure it’ll lead to something that I’ll eventually appreciate a lot.
Cathy: Wonderful. I really appreciate you both sharing so vulnerably. Talking about something a lot of people don’t talk about in society, it gives us so much for freedom where we can look outside the box and say, “What do I actually want out of this and what works for me?”
Andi: And I think the last thing is to share whatever your choices without shame. We’ll often say, “Hey, we’re married to each other and we don’t have sex and that’s what works for us.” And then it’s very hard to get pushed back because you don’t [inaudible 00:04:18] for it.
Cathy: Dealing with shame is a challenge and it’s great to help to support coach. Someone to help you through it because shame can be very persuasive. I really appreciate all the work that you both done to be who you are in the world and to shine so brightly. Thank you.
Raj: Thank you.
Andi: Thank you.
Cathy: Please leave comments below. We love to know how your non-traditional in your relationships and what works for you.
Raj: Alright. Bye.
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