Want to talk to your partner about opening up your relationship? How do you bring up the subject?
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share ideas and resources for talking about polyamory and open relationships.
Cathy: Have you been thinking about opening up your relationship? Are you terrified of speaking to your partner about it? You’re not sure what they’re going to say or do. It’s really common. A lot of people go there. Reid, why is it important to talk to your partner about it?
Reid: So that you’re not scared because holding back information will usually get you more and more anxious. It will take up more bandwidth in your head. You’ll probably start worrying about something, or it’ll really be bothering you. You’ll spend so much energy trying to forget that you’re thinking about this all the time. That your partner might notice. And then they’re going, what’s going on? Why are you so weird? And then they’re going to start mistrusting you and being like, you’re obviously holding something back. It just erodes the intimacy.
Cathy: If you’re resisting an experience you really want to have, eventually you start resenting the other person the most part. That’s not good for a long term relationship. This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: There’s several different things you can do to gather information before you have this conversation, so you can go in. A lot of people have no idea what an open relationship is. So if you just sit down with your spouse or your partner and say, I want to open up our relationship, they’ll be like…
Reid: They’re always going to think the worst case scenario for them. Whenever you start a new conversation with people and you say, hey, I want to do such and such. Most people will jump to the worst case scenario, not the best case scenario.
Cathy: So you get to get some information and find out what appeals to you and what different possibilities there are. There’s Showtime: Married and Dating.
Reid: Polyamory: Married and Dating. Showtime show that just aired.
Cathy: Kamala Devi did a great job. They showed some really beautiful possibilities. That’s a good place to check it out.
Reid: And that’s just one kind of polyamory, that one couple there. There’s also a triad that was on the show. So understand that you have a lot of different… non-monogamy can look a bunch of different ways, so at some point, you want to do your research. I recommend having the conversation first and then going and doing the research together.
Cathy: That’s really beautiful.
Reid: Basically approaching this scary conversation like it’s a difficult conversation of which we have lots of information on our websites about this and another video that you can check out. You basically want to tell your partner, this is what you’re worried about, what you’re afraid of, this is what I’d like to have happened by telling you this thing and then here it is. In this case, I’m curious about open relationships. What do you think? And then you just like, wait for their answer.
Your partner might freak out a little bit because they’re going to their worst case scenario but inviting them to do research with you, and this is killer and important, tell them, reassure them, that just talking about something doesn’t mean you have to do it. If you go to your partner and you’re like, I’d like to get a puppy, and then have a conversation about getting a puppy, it doesn’t mean you have to get a puppy. Same thing with open relationships. But they’re just a lot scarier for most people than puppies.
Cathy: So it might look like going to your partner and saying, honey, I’d really like to talk to you about something. I’m scared that by bringing this up, you’re going to freak out and leave me, that you’re going to shut down, that you’re going to always be questioning whether I’m being faithful to you. I’d really like this to bring more connection and love into our relationship and let us both be self-expressed, whatever we decide to do and what I am telling you is I’m curious about open relationships.
Reid: We recommend Tristan Taormino’s book opening up, great resource for lots of different kinds of non-monogamy and reinforce your partners over and over again. We’re just talking about this just doesn’t mean we’re doing anything. A lot of people in relationships feel more comfortable when they know and you’ve reassured them that, “If we’re going to do anything it’s going to be a lot of conversation and some serious decision making.” It’s not like, “Hey honey, how about we open up the relationship?” and then the next morning you show up with your new boyfriend. No, that’s not how it works.
Cathy: It really helps to have a lot of information. We’re not saying that everyone should have open relationships, we just want to provide information for people that are curious about that. Different relationships fit for different people, different couples. You get to decide what’s right for you and your partner.
Reid: Not every family should have a puppy.
Cathy: If you like to leave some comments or subscribe to this YouTube channel, we’d love to see you.
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