How do people cyber flirt?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo and Reid Mihalko and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cyber flirting. How do you do it? I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Well this is fun for me because Cathy usually picks all the questions because Cathy is better than this than I am and now I have a topic. We have different dating styles…
Cathy: Well because you’re an extrovert and I’m introvert.
Reid: Yes. So how does an introvert? Cyber flirts.
Cathy: Well, part of this, I found places where I tend to use written words well. So, I’ve been on OkCupid and I’ve been filtering I have a pretty expensive profiler and I’ve been filtering people that are looking into our profile and then I send them my body video.
Reid: Oh, your body video?
Reid: Ah! And the link might be below.
Cathy: Take it through my body video which is vulnerable and very open about my sexual connections of people. Then, if I never hear from them again, I’d scare them away completely. And as they see my size and my shape, it’s not hidden and if they don’t come back, then okay and if they do come back…
Reid: Then they know what they’re getting in to.
Cathy: And we at least have something really cool to talk about on the first date because usually bring us up topics I’m talking about shame and body image and the vaginal pain and hide, rediscovered my sexuality.
Reid: Which some people might think that there is a…
Cathy: It’s not a convention.
Reid: A non-conventional way of flirting but for me, in the way that I think about flirting it’s really just creating connection that’s playful and it’s like we’re throwing a Frisbee back and forth of connection. So, as an extrovert, if I’m attracted to somebody and most of people I meet there at live events and things like that like I don’t really… I think I might be on a dating sites somewhere. [inaudible 00:02:05] because actually might have been because you’re asking me to look on your profile start at the [inaudible 00:02:09] profile to sign on. Well, like for me I’m more like, “Hi, I would like to flirt with you. May I?” What is like Christopher Walken? “Hi, I’d like to flirt with you. May I?” But I…
Cathy: Because I’m consensual Christopher Walken [inaudible 00:02:28]
Reid: Yeah, so it’s like, you know that really scared me away. Yeah! I like you, lot. That was bad, I’m so sorry. If you’d going to stop watching, we’ll understand. But the thing from me that’s tricky is… and because of such a dork and I feel like I’m bad at flirting, I’m always asking people, how would you like when I flirt with you?
Cathy: Oh, and they’re kind of stymie?
Reid: Yeah, but then I’m like, “Do I send you dirty text? Do I…” I like texting. So again like, for me it’s about getting information and if we can’t find a way to figure out from me to how to flirt with you, then that’s the signal that we might not be a good match. Even though, we might figure out eventually but I would usually just be really, really awkward and clunky as we figure this out so then, it’s become smooth sailing later.
Cathy: Yeah. I love humors so I… one thing I do is I go through their profile, if they sent me something besides “Hey!” or “You’re gorgeous” like if they sent an intelligent message I know I can keep it, by the way “hey” and, “I know you’re gorgeous” is not as conversational from there for me, but I’ll go through the profile and if I see something that’s send out for me I’m kind of like, “That was really funny what you said.” I tend to respond to people that have sense of humor.
Reid: But now, when you leave an opening comment for somebody, like how many words is it?
Cathy: Leave at least a full sentence.
Cathy: I don’t say hey.
Cathy: I say…
Reid: But the reason I’m saying this is when you say, “Hey, love what you said”, is that all you’ll leave?
Cathy: I know usually it’s like, “Hi, I really enjoyed your profile and I’ve read it.” And I don’t say, “and I’ve read it”, but I’ll pick out something from the profile that either [inaudible 00:04:28] is [inaudible 00:04:29] or funny and I’ll say, “I really love what you said about blah blah blah” and that resonates with me or whatever.
Cathy: Usually if someone would questions so the volley can come back should they choose to.
Reid: Yeah. As somebody who doesn’t do any internet dating, if you’re just going through profiles, copy and pasting your response, and basically it’s like direct mailing like it’s like you’re putting a brochure in every mailbox in the apartment building and just hoping somebody buys whatever you’re just selling, that’s not the way you should do it. And on behalf of everybody who talks to me about dating, who has to put up with the “hey” and all the bad grammar, again not everybody had the privilege of going to a school and learning great grammar or English as a first language or any of that, that step aside. If you can string together a cogent sentence and you know how to use commas and periods and spellcheck, that’s really useful.
Reid: Please use those things and…
Cathy: Actually fill out you profile like some people don’t have photos for a reason. They don’t want to be known for work, they don’t want their co-worker finding them or whatever. When people have nothing on their profile or just a couple of lines, to me it doesn’t feel very impressed then I’m not like [inaudible 00:06:00] in time.
Reid: Good. Awesome. Maybe we will do more videos someday about dating. I’m just [inaudible 00:06:05]
Cathy: Yeah, great.
Reid: I won a topic for once. Haha!
Reid: Yeah. And the other I like to do just to ends… when I’m flirting with people I have permission, I like to use pictures, not of… but memes like I’m a dork about memes and I…
Cathy: You’re really funny.
Reid: And I got it o gifs. I think it’s a gif. So I like a little moving dorky pictures but that’s me and so… yeah like a little cats and dorky things like that. When you figure out a way that’s fun for you to flirt, whether it’s pictures or what or text or haikus or whatever, make sure that the flirting that you are trying to do is fun for you so that you’re legitimately playful and you’re bringing a smile to your face too.
Reid: Leave your comments. Bye.