What if your partner beats you to the punch flirting with someone you like? What can you do?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: What happens when you and your partner are interested in the same person and they start flirting with them first? Beating you to the punch. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: And, Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: What do you do Cathy? Just punch him? “I saw that person first.”
Cathy: Start a rumor that they have some venereal disease.
Reid: Whoa. That’s horrible.
Cathy: I wouldn’t really do that.
Reid: That’s the opposite of what you’re supposed to do. Punching too, don’t get violent.
Reid: Don’t flirt angry.
Cathy: I’m someone who has high … I love to be included. If I was interested in them too, I would probably ask to be included.
Reid: A kick in the shin? Something subtle?
Cathy: I would be like, “Dude, introduce me.”
Reid: Actually, that would work really well. Walk by and just spill a glass of wine or something. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Hi.”
Cathy: Totally like shove him out of the way.
Reid: That would totally work. That’s awesome. Let’s do that. Joking aside, that sounds like you are at least having fun. Letting them know what’s going on. Now, if you’re in an open relationship or a relationship where flirting with other people is actually … You all talked about it and it’s totally cool. I think the play here is to make it playful and to include that other person in what’s going on for both of you. Unless you’re totally creepy, at least you’re both showering this person with some sort of attention, hopefully it’s welcomed attention, and having fun in that kind of playful connection and not making things wrong. Having fun with it, to me, is actually the definition of flirting.
Cathy: Yeah. Maybe he totally cock-bucked me. I was going to come up and say, “Hi, I think you’re wonderful.”
Reid: Hip-check. I think the important piece right here is that with your partner, are you having that conversation about when that happens? Can you find a place where it’s fun or funny for the both of you, so that it doesn’t have to be this thing that you never talk about? That becomes a sore spot. Then, the third part of this would be, if and when you’re both interested in the same person … I think really just calling shot gun solves the whole problem.
Cathy: What about sharing? That can be very fun.
Reid: No. No. Sharing. Sharing is not caring. Sharing is not caring. Actually it is.
Cathy: This is one of the masters of threesomes.
Reid: This is true. This is true. Sharing is caring. Can you have fun with it? Whenever there is a sore spot, how quickly can you talk about it? Hopefully talk about it responsibly.
Cathy: It can feel, especially if … I’m usually the shyer one in my relationships. If the person I’m with is a more outgoing, I can go like, “He did it again.” He got there first.
Reid: You can just date people more shy than you. That would take care of that.
Cathy: That might be a very quiet date.
Reid: It’s quite flirting.
Cathy: I think just acknowledging that you feel that and letting your partner know where you’re coming from. That’s what I’m noticing about myself. That it’s harder for me to be outgoing than you and I can sometimes feel left behind. I would really love it … You can make a request. I would love it if you included me in the flirting. I will let you know if I don’t want to flirt too.
Reid: I think that’s useful. The tricky part is … I’m about to open up a shit-storm in the comment section. Certainly for me, as an extrovert, if I’m being penalized, if I don’t include you, I will pay for it.
Cathy: That’s different than a request, “Could you include me?”
Reid: If my answer is no … Or, if my answer is, when I can remember. It’s when somebody gets mad or upset at me, for me just being me. That can be tricky. Again, it goes both ways. It’s not for the shy person or for the whomever, whatever. It’s not fun on their end either. This is where you’re actually having a grown-up conversation. This is where it is tricky for me. If I’m the person that when everything is working well, life is just easier around me. Then, why am I the one who is paying for it when it is not easy. I’m still doing the same thing that when it does line up, everyone is better for it. That’s just where it gets tricky. I’m just saying for people who … If you happen to be with somebody who is super extroverted, know that sometimes that it feels like a burden on us, too. That’s all. But again, we’re coming from a place where life tends to be easier because we’re just naturally like, “Hey, who are you? Let’s flirt.” You know?
Cathy: Yeah. I think also, in the continuum where there are some couples that never flirt or play without each other, and there’s people that are always without each other, you’re much more on the scale of, “I’m just going to be a free agent and do what I want.” There are people that are more like, “Oh, I’d like to do this together. It’s totally okay within their relationship.”
Reid: That’s why I don’t date those people. Look at Allison. Come on. We ever fight about this. But again, now we’re back to dating our species. Again, this isn’t just romance. This is just like your friends. This can be your business. The people that you’re in business with. That they’re just naturally the net-workers and you’re not. This is endemic in a lot of different things. There’s a great book called “Quiet” which talks about shyness and introversion and how that can actually be repositioned as strengths. But we don’t talk about it because we’re a very extroverted, centric society. Again, I’m recognizing the privilege I have by naturally being a goofball and wanting to talk to people. Not everybody is like that.
Cathy: There are skill that you can learn as an introvert that help you be more outgoing. They can make it a lot easier. You can just like spike your partner’s punch so he is asleep in the corner and you get to flirt with whoever you want.
Reid: Roofing people, Cathy, is never the answer.
Reid: Wow. Wow. Leave your comments below, about Cathy.
Cathy: I’m really not recommending that.
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