Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that they are curious about the current state of this person mentioned Japan and US where he saw a huge gap in the mentality of women towards men. Making most women on the same level as men in terms of looks, money and lifestyle, think they are better in settling down if they get together with a man of equal status. He wanted us to comment about it and see if we have any solutions. This is Reid Mihalko http://ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com/ and welcome to the world affairs where I guess there’s a joke in there about affairs like having relationship around the world.
Cathy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant that.
Reid: No, world affairs like let’s talk about cultural issues about cultures we’re not even a culture-related for. As a white cisgendered, extroverted jackassery American, let me talk about Japan and how things are there.
Cathy: Actually, I’ve had this conversation with a number of friends..
Reid: About Japan specifically?
Cathy: About the difference.
Reid: You’ve been in Asia.
Cathy: I’m not but I’ve visited Japan and lived in mainland China but I can’t claim to have a complete understanding of anything up their amazing culture. I think what I’ve noticed in the US, I’ve spent studying because I lived there.
Reid: She also lived in Texas which is kind of its own something.
Cathy: It’s a nation.
Reid: Don’t mess. Don’t mess.
Cathy: What are you talking about? So, I had a really good friend who is very much into status and we used to have arguments about this all the time and he said there was a ladder- status ladder. That looks and money and intelligence and education and lifestyle like he would rate people that he was dating according to the ladder and he would not date someone that was below him on the ladder. He did actually postulate that women always wanted to date someone higher than them on the ladder to raise up their status. I think there’s a certain acculturation to that for a long time and didn’t have careers of their own and it was important. They were doctor and mrs. or whatever. I don’t know that he was particularly successful in relationships for a long time especially when he was leaning on the status ladder. I think people are much more about the connection is much more important. You can have someone who has a doctorate and or a lot of money and lifestyle but that doesn’t make you happy with them. It doesn’t mean they’re going to enhance your life.
Reid: And is this the question, though?
Cathy: He feels that why do women want to have someone that are higher on the ladder for using my friends words than them they think they’re settling down if they find someone of equal stature. For me it’s about not looking at those things so much and looking more at is this person going to make my life better, does this person help me grow, do they challenge me to do things I wouldn’t do otherwise they help me look at things with integrity.
Reid: Here are my thoughts. If we’re going to say that most people or “most cultures” raised to be trying to date up that status is a thing a lot of people are raised with in culture, if we agree, maybe we don’t but let’s say we agree that that is true for most cultures, you want to be moving up the ladder rather than laterally or down. To answer this question like how do you deal with that phenomenon; one is to acknowledge that it is there. You can make it right or wrong if you want but from a pragmatist perspective, is a hammer named the right name for a hammer? I don’t care like let’s use the hammer for good, never for evil or go build something worthwhile. Hopefully something that makes us happy. Immediately what you’re looking for are women or whomever you’re into dating and having relationship with, who get that that’s a thing that happens in a lot of cultures. There’s already awareness like a meta-awareness of Oh cultures having its way with us around status. We we’re taught this until you can have a conversation with somebody about that concept, cultures just probably going to have their way with them even if what they’re doing is choosing the opposite. I’m not going to let status be in the way of my love relationships which is okay but that’s a reactionary situation to just choose the opposite to be a contrarian. Ultimately what you want to do is you can have a conversation, deconstruct it and then figure out what makes you happy. To people for whom status is really important who support each other in going up the ladder and leapfrogging with each other or just pushing your partner up further that you are and you just keep on climbing up behind them. Or if it is easier for you to have the status and for me to be just behind you. I know couples that are like that and they’re fine. Either it just worked out that they were both in the right position who got to be up or sometimes it just looks out and it’s not a conscious decision but for the people whom it’s conscious and you can deconstruct it, you can still reassemble it and take advantage of the privilege if you have it or in deconstructing it to be like status really is important to me. How is it important to you? Then you can see if you’re good fit for a relationship. That’s my get on that.
Cathy: I would encourage you to determine what is actually important for your happiness and fulfilment in life and look for someone who has that as supposed to search. It’s easy to look at other people whose someone really charismatic and confident can appear higher on the ladder than even not having actual status on someone who is less confident but knowing what will make you feel good and it’s the moments in the middle of the night when you have bad day or if you’re sick and one shows up for you and you really want to figure something out that’s really important. That can make a huge difference in how your life flows lot more difference than what kind of car they drive.
Reid: And that’s a conversation then about what makes you happy and why being in a relationship at all.
Cathy: I love how you talk about that in some of your course you teach like why are you in a relationships.
Reid: And if you are curious about in relationship geekery you can go to http://www.Relationship10x.com/ and listen for free videos there but this is a really great question because the Metapeice and also the idea that you even talking about how cultures or acculturate us differently that so geeky and as somebody who loves brain sex with geeks that’s hot. Like oh my god, let’s deconstruct culture and how different cultures are different and then how do we merge those things to create win-win in relationships. Hot!
Cathy: Thanks so much for writing in.
Reid: Leave comments.