The Intimacy Dojo http://theintimacydojo.com Fri, 17 Aug 2018 13:00:29 +0000 en-US hourly 1 You’re Not In The Mood To Flirt, How Do You Say No? http://theintimacydojo.com/youre-not-in-the-mood-to-flirt-how-do-you-say-no/ http://theintimacydojo.com/youre-not-in-the-mood-to-flirt-how-do-you-say-no/#respond Fri, 17 Aug 2018 13:00:29 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4258 You’re Not In The Mood To Flirt, How Do You Say No?

Cathy: How do you say no to flirting? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/ Hi Cathy.

Cathy: Hey Reid.

Reid: How do you say no to flirting?

Cathy: Oh, you’re being really obvious.

Reid: Yeah. How do you say no?

Cathy: Reid, I’m notice. I’m thinking that you’re flirting with me and it’s making me feel a little uncomfortable.

Reid: Really, because the connection is so strong.

Cathy: Could you stop flirting with me please?

Reid: I don’t know if I can, it’s going to be hard, I might be disappointed.

Cathy: Oh, well you have to deal with it.

Reid: Okay.

Cathy: That was really sweet, thank you. The thing is Reid was being really obvious about his flirting.

Reid: You’re dreamy.

Cathy: But sometimes for me it’s really hard because I’m not sure they’re flirting. I tend not to not to, one I tend not to think people would flirt with me and unless they say can I flirt with you or I’m flirting with you.

Reid: You don’t know what’s going on.

Cathy: I had one evening a friend and I flirted with each other, we both had bad intentions for each other.

Reid: Bad intentions?

Cathy: Well good but bad.

Reid: Adult intentions.

Cathy: Adult intentions and we both flirted the entire evening and neither of us is aware that the other is flirting with them and I finally the next day. Were you flirting with me? And she’s like, yes and I was like, I was flirting with you and she was like, Oh.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: So it was that kind of, like I don’t always notice but I might feel a little uncomfortable.

Reid: And this is why I tell people, this is why I advocate that you ask people, may I flirt with you?

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: But this is mostly because I don’t have a clue either. Like I can’t tell what’s going on and I’m afraid that I’m misreading the situation. So that’s why I just tell people, hey this is what I would like to do. Yes or no, which seems really weird but people seem to like me and people seem to appreciate that I’m so clear about what I’m up to.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: So I think you know like your mileage may vary if we try this out on people but I think as a cisgendered white extroverted you know golden retriever guy, me letting you know and giving you an option like yes or no that helps people feel safer around me or less confused not that you can’t be you don’t have to announce everything but I would ask you to try or ask your friends what do you think about that? Does that feel weird or is that like actually keep you out of your head from feeling confused.

Cathy: Right. And if you’re not sure what your someone’s been interacting in a way that feels a little uncomfortable you, it’s definitely important to speak up and I guess what I would say is hey, I’m not sure if you’re flirting with me or not or but something feels a little off and I’d like to talk about it or that particular act, if there’s this particular action that you’re noticing like you keep touching shoulder and I’m not sure if it mean you’re being sexually or not, like I might even be okay with it if it’s not sexual but if you’re flirting with me, I don’t want you to touch me flirtatiously or acting for specific activities to not continue is okay.

Reid: Another thing that you can do for some of for some of us who is like, oh I have to speak up and I don’t want to upset this person right? Because sometimes people get upset or you grew up in a house where people did not want to hear no from you. You can try what is called an appreciation sandwich and I think I learned this first from Leana Silver.

Cathy: So you would have tried it?

Reid: Where… What?

Cathy: I was flirting with you.

Reid: Are you flirting with me?

Cathy: I’m bad at flirting, really bad.

Reid: Watch Cathy flirt with me.

Cathy: No!

Reid: Come on, this is great. Welcome to the video of being uncomfortable. Yeah, the thing is like Cathy, I’m, I’m I so, I want to appreciate for the connection and the way that you’re present. I’m, I think you’re flirting with me, not sure. I’m not feeling in a very flirty mood right now so if that’s what you’re doing please stop and

Cathy: And let me take some lessons on flirting.

Reid: And and just thank you for even listening to me right not because this is like, I’m trying to learn how to speak up for myself about things when I feel awkward so I just want to appreciate you for for that.

Cathy: Yeah. Yeah.

Reid: Even if I got the flirting part wrong. Maybe maybe you’re just being you’re touchy feeling myself.

Cathy: Yeah, I’m really bad at flirting but yeah, thank you for sharing and yeah.

Reid: You’re welcome. So there you go. I mean, this takes practice and understand so many people feel like they’re trapped in fifth grade when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Cathy: Well I think my tendency was if I didn’t like someone flirt, if I thought someone was maybe flirting

 

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How Do You Not Feel Jealous Or Insecure If You Have a Threesome And Your Partner is With Someone Else For the First Time? http://theintimacydojo.com/how-do-you-not-feel-jealous-or-insecure-if-you-have-a-threesome-and-your-partner-is-with-someone-else-for-the-first-time/ http://theintimacydojo.com/how-do-you-not-feel-jealous-or-insecure-if-you-have-a-threesome-and-your-partner-is-with-someone-else-for-the-first-time/#respond Tue, 14 Aug 2018 13:00:26 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4253 How Do You Not Feel Jealous Or Insecure If You Have a Threesome And Your Partner is With Someone Else For the First Time? 

Cathy:  How do you not feel jealous or insecure if you have a threesome and your partner is with another woman for the first time?

 

Reid: Or another man? Oohh..

 

Cathy: Yes.

 

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/

 

Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

 

Reid: How do you know?

Cathy: How do you not be jealous or insecure? Partly you may not be able to be that, I think our society sometimes teaches us that if we feel insecure or jealous there’s something wrong and jealousy is an indication that there’s something missing or something needed. Insecure means that you don’t feel secure, that’s okay if you’re doing something new, you might feel all of those things, you don’t always know if you’ve never been hiking before you don’t necessarily know what to pack with you, you might have needs while you’re out packing you know hiking for the first time and I love that you shared in another video about take it slow, you don’t have to go in a 20-mile hike.

 

Reid: Yeah.

 

Cathy: The first time, you can go out like a short hike and go like wow, I should have brought better shoes or bought another bottle of water. Okay and the next time I’ll be a little more prepared.

 

Reid: Yeah and when it comes to group sex because so many people fantasize about it but and don’t think it will ever happen when the opportunity shows up, when you create the opportunity for yourself, it feels like this is the only opportunity ever so we must hike 20 miles into the mountains at night. No, slow down, take a little day trip, come back, you know build up your your experience and then you can you know by all means hike 20 miles.

 

Cathy: Yeah. The first time we tie our shoes, like most of us don’t think of it anymore we just tie our shoes, but the first time, first 20 times we did it we probably felt very insecure and not sure we had everything we needed so.

 

Reid: And it’s okay for your shoe to come untied in the middle of your day

 

Cathy: Yes.

 

Reid: And then you stop, you pause and check in with everybody

 

Cathy: Grab an ear.

 

Reid: And then and then you tie it up again to get nice and tight, so sometimes you have to check your shoelace, wow this is going in that direction. Check you’re the shoelaces of your threesomes ladies and gentlemen, check em everyone’s be like, everybody good, everybody still want to be here? Alright! Let’s go, keep going.

 

Cathy: Reid has a great program on jealousy as well, The 8-armed Octopus of Jealousy, I really recommend that you listen to that whether you’re having threesomes or not, it’s a really powerful course but one of the things that I love that you talk about is just it means needs are not getting met and if you know what your love languages are, you know what your needs are often, then it’s easier to preload things so that you can like, okay honey, I really like to try this with you, we’ve worked out what our agreements are and I think that’s really specific like you know, the person whatever it is, the person can’t spend the night and they you know, we need them to leave after an hour, after the, we play with them or whatever just so and we’re going to spend an hour just decompressing together holding each other when we get to have our feelings that we get to process it whatever that is and knowing your love languages and how you get those, whatever needs filled up, you’ve probably experienced jealousy in other times most humans have and the things that come up in it with a threesome were probably just the same kind of patterns as you have other times, just maybe more intense.

 

Reid: Yeah and it’s okay to call a timeout, pause a threesome and have a check in or let people know like hey, I’m feeling a little bit jealous, I have some needs. Can we just take a timeout, it’s okay for those things to happen, you just never see them happen in porn.

 

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Reid: Because porn you know it, it’s like a racecar movie, you never see a flat happen and then they change the tire and they start racing again, so in porn you never see things go wrong.

 

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Reid: For the most part, so it that’s not realistic, it’s okay to call a timeout and be like, hey I need to have a check-in. Or maybe you’re not feeling jealous but you think something’s wobbly with with the group to call a timeout and have a check-in.

 

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Reid: It’s my belief that if in having a check-in you ruin air quotes the rest of the threesome, you probably did everyone a favor because if you didn’t have the check-in it was going to ruin itself in a much larger fashion.

 

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Reid: So it’s okay to have feelings, especially when you’re trying things new, go slow and then pick amazing people to try those things with so that you can take a pause, pause, have a check-in, you know, people with high emotional IQ’s and generally like nice boat.

 

Cathy: Yeah. I encourage you also to to specify beforehand that you can stop at any time, I think that having that a verbal agreement beforehand and whatever safer sex need you have, honor those as you go through that but make sure that you know, you’re like hey, anyone gets to call timeouts or stop and we all stop that kind of gives people that feeling of safety and can lessen that sense of insecurity.

 

Reid: Yeah, so go to http://www.reidaboutsex.com/jealousy/ you can also go to http://www.reidaboutsex.com/threesomes for more information and resources. Leave a comment, what do you think?

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Are You Ready For A Threesome? http://theintimacydojo.com/are-you-ready-for-a-threesome/ http://theintimacydojo.com/are-you-ready-for-a-threesome/#respond Sat, 11 Aug 2018 13:00:06 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4250 Are You Ready For A Threesome?

Cathy:  How do you know if you’re ready for a threesome? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

 

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/ How do you know? How do you know Cathy?

 

Cathy: Ahhh! It’s a good question. If you’re even, the person who wrote in is actually a part of a couple, but whether you’re part of a couple or not, it’s partly knowing like is this something I want to try, like being curious about it and then getting specific, I love your threesome work, worksheet, they’re, what is the what is the link again?

 

Reid: http://www.reidaboutsex.com/threesomes

 

Cathy: Is that 3 like the number.

 

Reid: No it’s the letter, it’s the letters threesome.

 

Cathy: Thank you. Where it helps you walk through all of that but understanding what you would like, are you looking for a threesome with someone that you’re going to be romantically attached to? Are you looking for a threesome that it’s just sex? Is it something just casual, more serious, what would make you happy?

 

Reid: What do you mean by threesome?

.

Cathy: Yes, and then also understanding yourself. I’m someone who I, it’s considered demisexual, I have to have an emotional connection before I want to be sexual with someone other people are like, I want to have the sex and.

 

Reid: Sexual sexual. I don’t know what’s the term for that!

 

Cathy: I don’t know. Slutty?

 

Reid: Make a term internet! Fetch! Fetch us that internet term.

 

Cathy: Slutty?

 

Reid: Maybe it’s slutty. Who knows?

 

Cathy: And not meaning interrogatory at all.

 

Reid: No.

 

Cathy: But just knowing what you want out of it like how you would need to connect, knowing those things ahead of time would be really really help you move forward and we never know for sure when we’re ready for stuff, we can just say I think I’m prepared, I have support people, I have you know friends that know I’m going to, maybe friends in a community that can support me through this if I’m meeting someone I haven’t met before, my friends have the phone number so they can or the location I’m meeting them and I’m going to meet for coffee first or whatever it is that you need to feel safe and then give yourself permission to make some mistakes, like you get to change your mind. I’ve met people and like we started fooling around and like, you know what this isn’t working, I need to stop. And maybe we’re disappointed and I was like, it was just not right for me and you might even be clear about that when you meet people like hey, I’m willing to to explore this with you but I’m not committing to anything.

 

Reid: Yeah.

 

Cathy: This is not a hookup for sure.

 

Reid: Yeah. You might want to, before you try like a threesome where this could feel like a lot of pressure coz it’s it’s only a few people and everyone’s looking at each other you may want to try attending a play party where you just go and watch and you kind of get your sea legs and feel a little bit more comfortable around situations where there’s more open sexuality that might be like good training wheels to to go to a play party or bring your partner to a play party and you know if you end up feeling safe enough and comfortable enough to make yourself feel uncomfortable then you could try something new and maybe you find two people or one person to play with you and your partner you know so that you have that threesome happen at a play party that can be one way to kind of lessen the pressure of meeting a couple or you’re a couple meeting this other person out for coffee and then you’re trying to figure out, do we go back to our place right now? Best rule of thumb, go slow.

 

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Reid: Keep talking about what you’re, what you’re up for and how you’re feeling. Some people think that’s bad advice because you get too chatty Cathy and then nobody ever actually has the threesome but I I personally would rather you being more talkative about things moving forward than being silent because you don’t want to ruin the opportunity. That’s my perspective, this is only coming from somebody who’s had several hundred threesomes so you know, your mileage may vary.

Cathy: Yeah and you may just want as you’re talking to them, notice how they handle things like you can ask them if someone says no, how do you handle it? And then maybe you know even practice, I love doing a little bit of cuddle cuddle party exercise where we ask each other couple of silly things and we say no to each other if they’re really struggling with that it may not be a good path or foot forward for me.

 

Reid: Don’t try to force having a threesome.

 

Cathy: Yeah, coz the paperwork is pretty pretty complicated.

 

Reid: Yeah, too many things can go wrong and you’re not guaranteed that everything’s going to go perfect.

 

Cathy: Yeah and there’s nothing wrong.

 

Reid: But, but if this is your first you know if you’re trying to figure out am I ready? Is you know understanding that you’re trying something completely new and it’s okay to be unsure but there’s that unsure like, Ohhh… I’m nervous but I think I’m ready and then there’s like I’m not ready. Those are two very different kinds of unsure, you want to be going through one that’s more positive and picking people who are also in the same neighborhood and feeling positive about the experience as well.

 

Cathy: Yeah. I hope this helps.

 

Reid: Leave some comments, what do you think?

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Reid Was Nominated For 2 XBIZ Awards and What is XBIZ? http://theintimacydojo.com/reid-was-nominated-for-2-xbiz-awards-and-what-is-xbiz/ http://theintimacydojo.com/reid-was-nominated-for-2-xbiz-awards-and-what-is-xbiz/#respond Wed, 08 Aug 2018 13:00:00 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4247 Reid Was Nominated For 2 XBIZ Awards and What is XBIZ?

 

Cathy: So Reid you’re here all dressed up from XBIZ, can you tell us about XBIZ?

 

 

Reid: So first everyone needs to know I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com

 

 

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com

 

 

Reid: And the Airlines lost my luggage so all I have right now is my tux so that’s why you’re getting the tux treatment but we’re going to shoot a bunch of videos in my tux coz I think this is fancy and this matches the orchid in the background quietness.

 

 

Cathy: It does. We should pluck one and put it on your lapel.

 

 

Reid: How nice.

 

 

Cathy: We could do it outside and we can put it on your lapel.

 

 

Reid: And we have a new microphone, the blue the raspberry blue mic, so let us know if you’re happy and enjoying the sounds quality of our melodious tone. It’s like a Vegas act.

 

 

Cathy: It is.

 

 

Reid: I like it.

 

 

Cathy: No I did try him to do one topless for you he did not but leave comments below if you want topless Reid in Vegas.

 

 

Reid: I think that takes this video to a whole different place so I don’t know if that’s going to work.

 

 

Cathy: No pantless is a different place.

 

Reid: No one, I can neither confirm nor deny it if I’m wearing pants right now but I can confirm that last night I was at XBIZ awards and XBIZ is kind of like the Hollywood reporter, magazine for the adult industry.

 

 

Cathy: Like E or something like that.

 

 

Reid: There’s E entertainment which should be more entertainment news for the rest of the world and then the Hollywood reporter is kind of like the wall street journal for Hollywood in the way that wall street journal is for finance and so the XBIZ magazine which covers the porn industry, the credit card processing and the tech side or the tech behind you know porn and internet porn usage and also the sex toy industry, manufactures. And some sex educators as well, there’s a sex educators category and I was nominated for one of the sexpert of the year. I did not win thank you, it was just an honor to be nominated but Jessica Drake who is amazing and super smart and super awesome as an educator, Jessica Drake won this year. Congratulations! Last was Dr.Eva and I don’t know who beyond that because I think the category is kinda new maybe but also Buck Angel won for his buck off for one of the sex toy categories this year so that was really exciting. Bijoux won and Blue won another sex toy category and then We-Vibe won as well and I cut out early from some of the awards but coz I was flying here super early and then but I’ve got to walk the red carpet with Nina Hartley, Ashley Manta, saw Jessica Drake, saw Aisha Asia, saw Earl Darling and bunch of other people Sunny Megatron wasn’t there she was one of the nominees, Hernando, Chavez, Dr.Hernando Chavez was there. It was good it was a lot of people.

 

 

Cathy: Sounds like fun people.

 

 

Reid: It was a good time and all I can say is I tried to live stream on Facebook real quick but it’s a great people watching event coz some of the dresses, I mean we get all excited about academy awards and what people are wearing and when you pornstars I’m just going to say can make bolder choices than the academy awards. Although there have been some bold choices at the academy awards but this, this XBIZ awards kind of like the academy awards for the porn industry. It was a lot of fun and thank you everyone who hang out with me and said hi and thank you XBIZ for bringing me in coz aside from the awards I’ve got to host the MC the executive awards dinner the night before which was fun which we also promote as being the fastest, bestest awards show ever. So we gave up all the award for the categories in the industry for the CEO and executives. And I think we brought it in under 40 minutes so it was fast and furious and that was really fun as a facilitator just being a nerd and being up on stage and having technical difficulties and having to entertain and educate folks as how the winners work. Always be educating as we came up with in the Sex Geek Summer Camp so Abe. And I had and I had my Abe Lincoln socks on that night. To remind myself who I am in my feet which is technically who I mean under my tux and under my tux coz my feet were supporting myself coz you don’t lay down on the job when you’re seeing award shows.

 

Cathy: And even at XBIZ?

 

 

Reid:  Even at XBIZ, it’s impressive how many people who make a living on their backs where on their feet that night. And Ron Jeremy hosted the main awards so we all got to our feet again, it was good, it was a good time.

 

 

Cathy: So if you’re curios you can go online and take a look.

 

 

Reid: http://www.XBIZ.com  or you can do a search for XBIZ awards, you can check out my Facebook page and saw the little video I did and social media were on pretty much always http://www.ReidAboutSex.com  there should be picture and things like that. Alright, more videos with tuxes coming up.

 

 

Cathy: And leave comments if you want him to start taken it off.

 

 

Reid: What do you want Cathy to will be wearing? Dolce. I don’t even know other, I don’t even know, Dolce might be a bag maker I don’t know, and I don’t know these things. Dolce and Gabbana. *funny sound*

 

Cathy: Do you think I should put a bag over my head? No I’m teasing.

 

Reid: No. The bag comment that was good.

 

 

Cathy:  Leave comments below.

 

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Should We Be Worried If My Wife And I Often Do Erotic Hypnosis? http://theintimacydojo.com/should-we-be-worried-if-my-wife-and-i-often-do-erotic-hypnosis/ http://theintimacydojo.com/should-we-be-worried-if-my-wife-and-i-often-do-erotic-hypnosis/#respond Sun, 05 Aug 2018 13:00:36 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4244 Should We Be Worried If My Wife And I Often Do Erotic Hypnosis?

 

 

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said they just recently discovered erotic hypnosis and they’re having such a good time they keep going back to it. Luckily, their wife is not complaining and they’re having a great sex life but the the drama that wrote in said he’s a little concerned because they’re going back to it so often and then he’s having such good orgasms, how much semen can I have in my life in my late thirties, should I be worried, should I stop what I’m doing, we’re going back many times a day for erotic hypnosis and sex. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

 

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/

 

Cathy: You should have one of those watches you have your tux on and you can go you just will just, you can do it right now.

 

Reid: You’re right. Well, there’s really nothing to swing here.

 

Cathy: Nothing shiny.

 

Reid: So this sounds like, keep your eyes on the rubber duck, this sounds like, I’m wearing a tuxedo because the airline’s lost my luggage and all I had was my little suit bag which I had a tux in it so we’re tuxing it up today. This sounds like a non-problem in a way so my questions are, is everybody having fun? If you’re in a relationship, is is this possibly impacting your relationship? Rather than..

Cathy: Are you still showing up for work?

Reid: Yeah like if there’s not a problem then the problem is you have abundance issues and that things are great although there is also be like so things are going so great but is there some sort of unpredictable or unpredicted consequence that I’m not seeing that might show up, so from that perspective, it’s not like shame, or am I an addict or something like that. I don’t know maybe you’ll have so much sex you’re tired and you need to take a break.

 

Cathy: But this is not there’s no medical contraindications of sex more than a certain time, number of times a day or certain amount of time.

 

Reid: Yeah. We don’t know, while there have been studies on rats and there have been rats who have died from having too much sex, it that was because they keep having sex and forgot to eat not because the sex killed them.

 

Cathy: Yeah, so make sure you take meal breaks.

 

Reid: Yeah. Are you just being a normal human being who happens to be having a lot of sex and if it’s not negatively impacting your relationships and you’re not breaking existing relationship agreements and things like that it sounds like you’re having a hoot and you know.

 

Cathy: You might have tapped into a a process that feels really good physically and is very erotic to you at the same time and there’s a real sweet spot so.

 

Reid: Sure, then let us in on this, like who who like how do I get in on this? Like let’s leave some links in the comments my friends, but at the same time it’s a great question. It’s great to be concerned and just have a check in like is this okay? And from what I know about erotic hypnosis and you know having a lot of sex, although certainly, you can be having you know unsafe sex and and and not taking care of your body and you could I guess erotic hypnosis could be used for evil purposes nefariously or you could be breaking agreements, those things would be bad.

 

Cathy: It doesn’t sound like his wife is upset

 

Reid: Yes.

 

Cathy: It sounds like she’s happy.

 

Reid: So rock it on!

 

Reid: Last but not least around men, the comment amount, you know in your late thirties I is this a bad thing that you’re having so many orgasms, I would invite you to explore what erotic hypnosis is like and and your love life with your with your love ones and not always having to ejaculate for sex to happen, there’s some Taoist Sexuality Principles and ideas and tantra and such about like you know you’re spilling your life force which again, ejaculation is a choice and it was interesting for me when I when I went on an orgasm fast for a while and practice masturbating without ejaculating and kind of conserving my sexual energy like that was interesting for me to try that out, so maybe there’s value there to try it out and I know some people who do Taoist Sexuality Practices and they can shame people for ejaculating and I don’t really believe in that. So..

 

Cathy: Yeah.

 

Reid: Maybe that’s helpful?

 

Cathy: I think if if you’re enjoying it, you’re taking care of your life and your body and your relationships then just enjoy the good things that are happening in life

 

Reid: And if it starts to fade and it’s not working anymore I don’t think anything is broken too. I think part of what’s interesting about being human beings is that we get excited about new things and sometimes those things shift so don’t beat yourself up or think that you’re broken if it starts to lose its flavor or it’s zing, enjoy what you got while you got it and just keep exploring and being curious. Thanks for leaving a comment.

 

Cathy: Yeah.

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How To Have Control And Get Respect After My Failed Poly Relationship? http://theintimacydojo.com/how-to-have-control-and-get-respect-after-my-failed-poly-relationship/ http://theintimacydojo.com/how-to-have-control-and-get-respect-after-my-failed-poly-relationship/#respond Thu, 02 Aug 2018 13:00:43 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4241 How To Have Control And Get Respect After My Failed Poly Relationship?

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that my first poly relationship was a flap. We connected, we had a really nice time and suddenly the couple decided they weren’t Poly and dumped me and then the boyfriend contacted me and just proposing to stop the relationship with me. And the girlfriend was all upset, they’re playing me hot and cold and it’s really draining. I want a poly relationship but I’m not really sure if I should do it with these couple and I’m afraid I might have that kind of connection with other people. How do I make sure that I have control and what happens and get respect? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com

 

Reid: This is Caty Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com so that I understand this, this person was in relationship poly relationship with their primary and then they were dating a couple or just wanted a people in the couple?

 

Cathy: For what I understand there was a single person who was dating a couple.

 

Reid: Okay and who dumped her?

 

Cathy: They decided they were not going to be open anymore but then he comes back and so hey I like you let’s connect.

 

Reid: But he’s still with her?

 

Cathy: And she’s also connecting and saying don’t do this because were now monogamous.

 

Reid: So okay let me get this straight single poly person, dating a couple that’s poly, they decide to go monogs and now he wants to still date her even though they’re monogs. Leave not safe, right? They have an agreement to be monogamous, off limits. Alert alert! Danger Robinson. I think that’s the simple answer.

Cathy: It is, I have this happened before too or that there was weird communication between what we agreed and what was happening later in one person contacting me and the other one saying something different and it was really confusing and stressful.

 

Reid: For me whenever I’m dating somebody who’s in a couple I want to check in with the couple every once in a while, if they already agreed to be monogamous that’s why they broke with you then if he’s like it’s oh it’s okay for me to be poly now, talk to the others one be like is this real? Is that true? Was that person lying?

 

Cathy: It doesn’t even have to be lying it just we just want to all make sure were all in the same page about what was agreed upon. Let’s sit down together and have coffee or both of you separately if that’s better.  But it is really confusing and frustrating when you’re out there trying to date, try to find a couple that you really like coz it can be twice as hard to find a couple that you like coz there’s two people involved. If you want to date like three.

 

Reid: Like 3 of them dating so it was like a triad that’s all connected to you.

 

Cathy: And it can be like oh I finally found this couple that I really like and then it’s all falling apart of the communication is really weird. So you if you can just  be gentle with yourself and realize that this is a learning process if that was your first Poly relationship experience it make it easier you start  picking out little things in communications and…

 

Reid: And it also, it’s possible that you did nothing wrong they were couple that being Poly and now they want to be Monogamous or one of them wants to be monogamous which means both of them are non-monogamous. I’m not saying any of these is easy this is simple to say it doesn’t mean this is easy to implement but you’re not broken if you’re dating a couple that was open or exploring openness and then they decided to go back off the market. It sucks but I don’t know that you can always predict how couples are going to be and if there’s couple that has been open for 5 years or 10 years they would date other people anyway even if you weren’t in the mix that might be better indication than this is my first Poly relationship with a couple who’s never had an open relationship before those are just different situations.

 

Cathy: I tend not to like not to date people I’m a single Poly, I’m not in relationship for right now I have some lovers. I tend not to date people that’s it’s their first Poly relationship. For me it’s just not a good fit.

 

Reid: You don’t like to be other people’s midwives?

 

Cathy: It tends to be a lot more of working conkiness that I’m wanting to accommodate in my life right, there’s nothing wrong either way but especially as a new person coming out. If you could someone who is more establish than they have ground rules that they all understand rather than someone who is also working out their own process. It can be easier and I’m and it is as a single person it often does feel like the other couple has more control than I don’t have much more control.

 

Reid: Couple privilege.

 

Cathy: And there is often, let’s us do a video about that next. If you can just be gentle with yourself and tune in to what you want and what is right for you. It can feel really exciting oh my good I finally found this couple I want to be with but remember to tune in to what your needs are, what your boundaries are, as well and if you’re not okay interfering with the relationship that supposed to be monogamous like Reid said set the boundaries No thank you, finds other fish there some really good ones out there for sure.

 

Reid: Yeah. And again simple advice not always easy and especially if you’re suffering through heartbreak or haven’t been looking for a long time and haven’t found anybody and you’re in a little bit of starvation kind of mode or scarcity mode this situation can be emotionally tough but please don’t give up. Leave a comment.

 

 

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How Can You Be A Better Kisser? http://theintimacydojo.com/how-can-you-be-a-better-kisser/ http://theintimacydojo.com/how-can-you-be-a-better-kisser/#respond Fri, 27 Jul 2018 13:00:27 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4235 How Can You Be A Better Kisser?

Want to be a better, more confident kisser? Fine out how with Dr. Liz Powell from http://www.SexPositivePsych.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Liz: Cathy, how can you be a better kisser?

 

Cathy: Great question!

 

Liz: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com

 

Cathy: And this is Liz Powell from http://www.SexPostivePsych.com and it’s a great question for years I thought I was a bad kisser because I was kind of shy and I didn’t know how to get better at it and so I was always hesitant to make the first move or like if they kiss and I’d missed that connection so it’s a great question and part of it is getting comfortable of our body.

 

Liz: So for me I think about kissing the same I think about partner dancing so I‘ve done swing dancing, blues dancing, tango, salsa and when you’re dancing there’s a lead you follow. You’re listening to each other and to the music and moving to each other you’re not flanging each other. So when I’m kissing what I’m thinking about is what their lips are doing, follow that for a bit, throw my own idea, and follow that for a bit. So there’s this interplay of ideas and you’re taking those first moment to really get to know each other before diving deeper.

 

Cathy: What I like to get into my body be grounded and one way I do that is feel my toes coz I can get really heady, I’m a smart person I get in my brain and I always used to kiss people by focusing on how I could please them and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com is a great he talks about pleasing yourself on their lips it doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring them but you’re focusing on the pleasure that you feeling with your mouth, your tongue, your body and he does a full body kiss where it’s not just lips to lips but a whole body which is really fun but what I stopped getting in my head by trying to figure out what the other person wanted which I can’t figure out in my brain anyway. I can learn all kinds of techniques but it’s really being present at the moment when I started noticing what felt pleasurable to my own lips while being aware of them that the whole energy between it shifted it was really powerful.

 

Liz: Another I pay attention to is my breath when we’re kissing it’s really easy to shackle our breath and so usually I feel like as the way that I’m moving through the kissing and as you rising through your breath you really feel the kissing it’s going to change the way that your kissing with your inhale and exhale.

 

Cathy: Especially when you’re nervous you will hold your breath and you breathe really fast and that trigger our brain to get less present with our body.

 

Liz: And especially like slight little moans helps trigger the vagus nerve which helps relax your body and makes you more present to what you’re sensing.

 

Cathy: And it really turn on your partner, a level of vibration

 

Liz: Duper-hot turn on I loved it when someone moans a little bit when we’re kissing it’s so good.

 

Cathy: And it also tells me that they’re responsive and they’re enjoying it and another thing I thought I had to guess what they wanted like if they want deep kissing, how soon should put my tongue on their mouth or whatever. And I get really confused up here coz some people like really soft kisses, some people deep I have learned to ask and let it be part of the game and it actually let the kissing prolong like were making out in a fun way like can I see like, this or like this, how about this? And it’s really like some kind of a turn on do more of that or not that too close. It was really fun.

 

Liz: Tongues super important topic so as someone who makes out with and have sex with people of wide variety of genders I have noticed that people who are assigned male at birth and specially cisman tend to use ton of tongue and there’s a Scientific theory that evolutionary sites who knows that men use more tongue in kissing because there’s testosterone in their saliva and that helps turn assigned female at birth folks on more. What I will say about tongue is as same way that were doing this gender interplay and not like jumping into things tongues are like conversation too. I’m not going to walk to someone for my first conversation and tell them my entire life story and so I’m not going to put my entire tongue in your mouth as soon as we start kissing.

 

Cathy: I’ve been so many dates for like were kissing at night and their tongue immediately shoves past my lips and it’s like folding my mouth.

 

Liz: When in doubt less tongue. When in doubt less tongue.

 

Cathy: And don’t go too soon.

 

Liz: And do playful tongue don’t start with the deep tongue start like a little lick on the lip.

 

Cathy: You’re not checking tonsils the first minute.

 

Liz: No, and like again, follow each other, have this as a conversation, have it as interplay. This isn’t I kiss this way we will kiss this way.

 

Cathy: It’s a dance like you said.

 

Liz: It’s a dance.

 

Cathy: And if they have, if your partner has their lips closed tight, closed together good sign that they probably don’t want tongue right now wait till they relax and get turned on enough so that their mouth kind of opens up and you can even ask.

 

Liz: This bring up another, tightness of lips a lot of people when they see fake kissing it’s like so they think that lips should super tight for kissing I actually think about using my lips almost the way I would massage someone’s arm right? There’s varying intensity and depths and it’s not like a single point that sucks that hurts. Whereas when I’m using varying depths I can go to same depth in a way that feels much more pleasing and has a lot of variety as well.

 

Cathy: Yeah. And I think part of that is pleasing yourself it’s not like what feels good to you too you get to be turned on because mutual turn on is really hot. So we hope this helps.

 

Liz: Yeah! If you have more questions about in kissing let us know. Super-hot topic I love kissing.

 

Cathy: Yeah And when you’re with someone who’s exploring having fun it such a bless and a great intimacy builder because I kind of figure how someone kisses me is how probably going to touch my body.

 

Liz: Exactly it tells you so much and there are people rush through full tongue those are often the people who like rush to shove something inside of you. Not good for anyone.

 

Cathy: Slow it down and enjoy the process.

 

Liz: Slow it down. Take some time. Enjoy the sights.

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Am I Poly? Would Poly Work For Me? http://theintimacydojo.com/am-i-poly-would-poly-work-for-me/ http://theintimacydojo.com/am-i-poly-would-poly-work-for-me/#respond Mon, 23 Jul 2018 13:00:45 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4232 Am I Poly? Would Poly Work For Me?

Cathy: Have you ever wondered if you might be poly or poly might be good for you? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

 

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ and someone wrote in and said I would be poly but for STD’s I’m really worried about those that’s the major concern and when I wrote back and said there’s a lot of ways to have safer sex since many but not all. Of course poly folks are going to be talking about their needs are getting tested and using safe sex practices the risk may be lower than you think. She wrote back saying testing is great but someone could always catch something in the waiting period and I want to address that.

 

Reid: Okay. Address it.

 

Cathy: I think if the lifestyle is right for you, realize that there are different types of poly’s, too. You might have, if you’re concern of the waiting period but some people are very legitimately, that’s the time when you’re not sure if you have, they can’t test for a certain amount of time for like HIV for example thought it gotten much smaller for a time frame now it used to be 6 months or something like that, not sure but it’s much shorter now. While you’re waiting some people are in close poly relationship so it might be 3 or 4 people that are not sleeping with anyone outside of that relationship or they might be only having safer sex during with other people outside the relationship. I think identifying a good relationship style fit for yourself versus and then also addressing the concerns within that is a powerful way to move forward and you kind have the relationship that really works for you.

 

Reid: Wherever you’re at its fine there are some people would be like I can be a snow boarder if it wasn’t for breaking bones.

 

Cathy: For me it’s the cold.

 

Reid: That’s okay you can do whatever you want Cathy but the idea of the things that there’s nothing wrong with the things you want to avoid. You can be emotionally poly, emotionally non monogamous. There are people out there who loved being in love and not having to be about sex so Polyamory while it includes sex doesn’t have to include sex so you could be poly and have all kinds of intimacy and emotional intimacy and even certain kinds of physical intimacy like maybe you’re just into kissing or exchanging massages or whatever. So if you come up whatever you’re life choices are or other things you considered from, what are my concerns and then educating yourself on the actual concerns going down your rabbit holes which can be scary at first coz oh my god, sex is really unsafe when you really look at statistics but when you go a little bit further down the rabbit hole, here’s the things that are treatable and here’s the things that untreatable and fatal then you start to understand that you get to have your emotional orientation thinking about these things. These are my opinions I’m not saying though way but I’m not worried about getting chlamydia as somebody who has no other autoimmune compromise situations because chlamydia is treatable. If I were to be exposed to Chlamydia in the window and then test positive for it because I get tested 4 to 6 months then I would have caught that I had it. I would learn that I have it before it would done any damage to me so then I could get treated. But you have to lean all those things and figured out what’s your orientation is towards those things. Go down the rabbit holes and figure out statistically if there was a snow boarded and I’m afraid of breaking bones like how many people really do break down bones. What are the common bones that you break?

 

Cathy: And for the kiddie slope, how bad it is?

 

Reid: Yeah. And maybe I can learn to snowboard and just stick to the kiddie slope. Do the homework, track your fear a little bit coz sometimes in that homework maybe your views and your position never change and then you have the information out, I’ve done the research and this is where I’m at and these are the choices that are good for me. And sometimes when you’re doing the research a whole of the piece opens up either way it’s more powering I think to go down those rabbit holes. Great that you’re exploring the idea of poly what are the rabbit holes you can go down to be more empowered with your choice.

 

Cathy: Yeah. I was really, really frightened about STD, STI’s I’ve heard a lot of scary things and I saw something that you teach that really helped me. Reid asked what the common STI’s are and everyone’s like Chlamydia, Gonorrhea and he’s like no it’s a common cold. I have the cold a bunch of time it’s not to stigmatized scary things and then I started going through and realized that most things are curable, the things that aren’t what I do that I need to do to feel safe about it. Once I was informed it made a lot more, I’ve felt like I have my new boundaries and I could play much nicer in that space.

 

Reid: I hope this was hopeful and I hope it felt non-judgmental. Were all allowed to feel what we feel about the things like that’s great! And in the society where we don’t get a lot of permission to go down rabbit holes of empowerment around sex where could we do some more learning that would allow us to be more empowering and grounded as our selves however we’re feeling. Those are things that I think that’s important.

 

Cathy: Thanks for writing in.

 

Reid: Leave us some comments, I hope this video was helpful and leave some more comments.

 

Cathy: Yeah, what do you think?

 

Reid: Give us questions. We need things to talk about.

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How Do You Handle Your Partner’s Partner or Metamours? http://theintimacydojo.com/how-do-you-handle-your-partners-partner-or-metamours/ http://theintimacydojo.com/how-do-you-handle-your-partners-partner-or-metamours/#respond Fri, 20 Jul 2018 13:00:33 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4229 How Do You Handle Your Partner’s Partner or Metamours?

Cathy: Reid, how do you deal with metamours or your partner’s partner? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com

 

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Cathy is not wearing tux today because the Airlines did not lose her luggage and she has clothes to wear today.

 

Cathy: Coz I live here.

 

Reid: You do live here that would be weird if the Airlines lost your house.

Cathy: If they came in.

Reid: However I was at the awards show the other night and I flew in today and this is what I did come off the plane with although I did not wear this flying.

Cathy: No.

Reid: But that would be kind of fun. Alright, what was the question?

 

Cathy: You might get bumped to first class.

 

Reid: Metamours exactly. If it were only that easy.

 

Cathy: We just did a video on how to know if the person you’re with is really in an open relationship and were talking about maybe contacting or talking with their partners.

 

Reid: If they have partners.

 

Cathy: And different people handle it different ways, I’m curious how do you handle it?

 

Reid: For the metamour part?

 

Cathy: Yeah. Metamour means your partner’s partner basically.

 

Reid: Is it French?

 

Cathy: It might be I don’t know.

 

Reid: At some point it was Latin.

 

Cathy: Most things in Western culture.

 

Reid: So what I do, I like there’s no set answer other than if I’m curious about dating somebody or seeing somebody more than playing with them at the play part or something like that and I know they have other relationships I want to know that the other relationships are okay with me that I’m not creating weird stress in that relationship it’s going to splash on to me. So ultimately I would love to me everybody that’s not always the case and some people’s partners are like I don’t really want to meet you like we’re fine. And that kinda like if I get an email or text or something and everything’s fine versus we have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy and everything is fine for me personally I don’t feel comfortable seeing people who have don’t ask don’t tells because for me if I actually fell in love with somebody and would want them to come for thanksgiving dinner I want them to bring their people, their beloveds who are important to them and I would like that to at least feel great not even great just good or bearable coz some people just don’t like me but the idea of if my presence is causing them anguish that’s a lot in that and I want to front load the process and date people who are happy that their partner is seeing me that  kind of open relationship.

 

Cathy: But I think metamour implies more to a partner rather than someone casual hook up in a play party and I believe from watching you that you tend to take more care about the deeper the relationship is  it a play party if someone says they’re free agent you seem to accept thru that? Isn’t it?

 

Reid: I don’t understand the questions.

 

Cathy: You said you tend to check out, you want to meet their partner.

 

Reid: I mean as I starting to if I’m going to like see somebody regularly I would like to meet their partner mostly because I know that human beings tend to make things worse in their heads so if you’ve met me in person and I’m nice to you and you get that I’m honoring your relationship more than I’m honoring that I’m banging your partner coz like those kind of relationship and family and stuff like that’s really scared to me and I want people to know that and the easiest way for me to get you to start to see that that  might be true that I’m really am honoring it is for me to pay the respective wanting to see  you to get to know you. It’s also I think useful for me to see the couple or the triad or whoever entering into their world to see if they really are okay with me being there.

 

Cathy: Well, I think I can tell you a lot too because I’ve dated people in new relationship energy often means people are in their best behavior and they’re like really sweet to me are they being sweet to their partner too or is that.

 

Reid: Oh it’s like how they treat a waiter.

 

Cathy: Exactly. It’s a way of kinda that things because I’m demi sexual I always there has to be a heart connection for me to want to be sexual with someone. I tend to really like to meet like sit down at dinner and meet the partners of people that I’m seeing more than casually at a play party or something. And it’s actually been very beneficial coz I made some really good friends and one of my partner’s partner makes dessert and sends it to me with their partner when we get together for dates.

 

Reid: Oh yes the paramour friend’s benefits.

 

Cathy: And she’s an amazing cooks.

 

Reid: And if you never met that person you might never be on dessert list? So how would you? What would you recommend? What are your tips for being on the “dessert list” ladies and gentlemen? Leave some comment, hit subscribe! Put on the tux, dress up once in a while even if you’re just shooting videos.

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What Do You Mean By Couple Privilege? How It Can Hinder Relationships? http://theintimacydojo.com/what-do-you-mean-by-couple-privilege-how-it-can-hinder-relationships/ http://theintimacydojo.com/what-do-you-mean-by-couple-privilege-how-it-can-hinder-relationships/#respond Tue, 17 Jul 2018 13:00:17 +0000 http://theintimacydojo.com/?p=4226 What Do You Mean By Couple Privilege? How It Can Hinder Relationships?

Cathy: What is couple privilege and how it can interfere with relationships? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com

 

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com what is it, Cathy? What do you think of this?

 

Cathy: Well how I’m seeing it I’m right now I’m single and I’m dating I have dated couples.

 

Reid: So is this a Poly thing?

 

Cathy: I’ve seen it also in friendships too when I’m gone out with friends if as a single person hanging out with a couple the couple have more “votes” or poll and then they often consult with each other and decide what we’re doing without checking it with me or giving me equal say. And that can feel sometimes I don’t want to hang out with people that do that cause I was like wow okay she wants to go to Thai and he’s going to go with Thai coz that’s what she wanted and they’re not even going to see oh I have Thai for lunch today there’s like no consulting, so how do you define it?

 

Reid: I don’t know I hear about it and I’m sure I’m guilty of it I would well there’s probably there is some sort of privilege I would say it’s probably a priority thing and if and again like these are things like culture makes it okay if you have kids to put your kids above everything else. And most friends don’t seem to be like oh crappy have to leave now when the middle of our board game night and you have to leave because there is some emergency at home or your kids needs you.

 

Cathy: Can I use a real example with what I have experience with you and Ali? It’s nothing super intensive or anything but we were hanging out you and I were going to hang out for the day and you said can Ali come? And I like yes it’s fine and when it’s time for lunch the two of you sat in front of the car and decided that she wanted to go to a diner and you never nobody ask me if I wanted to go there I didn’t even know what was happening but we just went to the diner because you two have discussed it and Ali decide had a strong preference for that and I was left out od that conversation. The diner was great should picked the best restaurant but I would like to have very least like hey it is okay with you and that didn’t happened. And it felt like because you two were in a couple sitting in the front together in the car and it just felt like I was less “considered” then.

 

Reid: Would you felt more considered if you’re in the front of the car?

 

Cathy: I probably would have been more included in the conversation but just physically being there.

 

Reid: No I could see that.

 

Cathy: But the fact that you didn’t no one turned around and say hey is this okay with you felt like I never experienced that with other people too it was like okay you guys are great between each other but the three of us are spending this time together turn around and ask and say hey is this okay and let me have a voice in it.

 

Reid: Cool and I’m sorry that happened.

 

Cathy: Oh again it wasn’t a big deal Ali picked a great placed but it was just like oh okay kind of felt like a kid in the back in the car because I wasn’t like you don’t necessarily tell your kids hey where going, where would you like to go?  You might say were going here and that’s kind of how I felt. So that’s just an example of…

 

Reid: Couple privilege. There you go.

 

Cathy: And to solve it, what I recommend is speaking up that wasn’t a big deal so I didn’t share it but I have share it other times when I thought things are important.

 

Reid: And how did it go when you share it?

 

Cathy: Sometimes you said like when we’re planning the trip for Sex Geek Summer Camp for example and I have certain needs around decompressing after wards some of them I shared what I needed and some of it were like that’s  fine and some of it were like no I don’t think that’s okay but I at least I felt considered I share that it was important to me that if Allison change her mind about something that it wasn’t didn’t necessarily happened without consulting with me and you were good about it, you did that so I don’t know that she changed her mind but…

 

Reid: So how was that an example on what we’re talking about?

 

Cathy: I’m saying that if you can, if you’re in the situation when you don’t have that happening ideally I wouldn’t even have that conversation because I would considered equal to the decision making process but I shared what was important to me to make sure that wasn’t a problem if we don’t speak up other people may not be even aware that it’s happening.

 

Reid: Leave some comments like when is something privilege if you don’t speak up about it because obviously there’s  a lot of cultural deep stuff going on.

 

Cathy: And people have habits. It’s like you and Allison else have certain habits. You and I have certain habits and we might have use when we’re doing business stuff together we might have that privilege over other people so and we might not even be aware. If you don’t speak up it hard to people to know.

 

Reid: And also the piece that you’re sharing about like sitting at the back of the car and how that could make people felt like it’s a kid thing like there could be other situations where things feel either inconsiderate or they feel shifted the power dynamic feel shifted yeah this is good. What do you think? Leave some comments.

 

Cathy: We love to know what you think.

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