Being generous and nice to someone and then find out they’re saying bad things behind your back? What do you do?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: We have writer write in. We love it when you write in because it gives us things should be used about. You do not want us just to sit here without anything to do. A little hands and a video camera.
Cathy: Not good.
Reid: The middle of the email was about this situation where someone who is flirting with their boyfriend. The boyfriend was flirting back and then this person amazingly just trying to be gracious and like, “Look at this amazing people just being playful and yadayadaya.” But then with a great vine they heard back that that woman was tellin’ –
Cathy: Or they’re gossipin’
Reid: … gossipin’ that they’re not suitable pair. And this person has been known to be kind of a little mating ritual cockatoo [cockatoo sound 00:01:01] and social situations and so this person was really kind of disgraced and upset to hear back to her friends that this was being said about them. So this is a video about gossip. Dan dan dan dan…
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from Reid About Sex
Reid: .com. And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Okay, so here’s my thing. Say it with me ladies and gentlemen, “Haters –
Reid: … are gonna hate”
Cathy: Are gonna hate.
Reid: Again, “Haters-
Reid: … are gonna hate”
Cathy: Are gonna hate.
Reid: Say it loud, “Haters are gonna hate!”
Cathy: Haters are gonna hate.
Reid: So look at what we have here.
Cathy: Yeah. She said that she’d been able appreciate and connect with joy of people connecting before is like… yeah.
Reid: The person that who write in but the person who is doing the gossiping being the hater. So you’re awesome for trying to be generous and compassionate and like, “Oh, look they’re just having flirty-flirty.” Try not to let the hater be ass-kicked to you which can be tough in a lot of social situations where everything’s woven in into woven.
I’m a little bit unconventional on how I like to handle my haters.
Cathy: Yeah, you’re pretty amazing about it.
Reid: Well, it’s sweet. Well, I think it’s sweet.
Cathy: He reach like he read tweets them and stuff.
Reid: I like to go when I can to my haters and say, “Hi, how are you doing? I heard that you have an opinion that my boyfriend and I shouldn’t be together. I was just really like information and I am curious about your opinion because obviously you’re starting opinions. Could you tell me more about that?”
Cathy: Wow, that’s a really good question. If I have been… if I felt [inaudible 00:02:59] in integrity with what I’d share. I could probably say, “Yeah, I really don’t think you guys are a good fit.” But if I’ve been kind of gossipin’ and know that I was kind of not being nice, I would feel really like, “Ohh”
Reid: No matter what you do that, I’m an extravert. I’m a 200 and [inaudible 00:03:16] pound, large person who’s down here, used to be up here when I was lifting weights. I can go up to people and be like, “So, what’s up with that thing I’m hearin’?” I’m also known as a community leader in my community so I cannot have a status to go up and talk to people. I tried to, “With great power comes greater responsibility. Use it for good, never for evil.” that kind of stuff. But I like to go call people out in a fun way about what I heard. So where this is interesting, and this might not be your style, but I’ll share this as an interesting piece. That is now my reputation in those communities. It limits people’s gossiping some ways because they know I might come up and ask them about the thing. And I am really curious like, “What’s the thing?” because sometimes something’s going on that I don’t see or that I don’t know about so I get useful information and that’s just my style but also people know that if I hear that they’re talking about me, I’ll roll up and come and talk to them. I guess if you want to me come and say hi to you, gossip about me. Maybe I’ll call you on it.
That’s a really unique situation. In this situation, with the challenges most people what they do is they heard from a friend. They tell the friend hoping that it gets back to the great fine and we all play that game in 4th, 5th, 7th grade, kindergarten.
Cathy: Pass the note. Yeah
Reid: The “pass the note” game or the “telephone” game where you say one thing and then by the time it gets around the circle, it’s a whole other thing.
Cathy: It can be totally different. Yeah.
Reid: The other reason why I go to people directly-
Cathy: Is you get those straight stories.
Reid: … is sometimes what I heard was not actually what they said and then we get clear on it. Sometimes I call people on it and they lie they’re asses off because they don’t want a cop to it. But then they know I will come to them. I do, I really do tried to be exciting and like, “Hey, I heard of this thing. You think I’m an asshole?”
Cathy: “Tell me more.”
Reid: “Tell me more.” You know sometimes I’m an asshole so it’s maybe you’re accurate. But I come out with this kind of “I take the power out of it” by stepping up and using my words which changes the dynamic of the situation. Again, this might not be advice for you. We don’t know you. Using gossip to communicate back and forth and try to get seen and heard is just horrible like do the math it really works.
Cathy: I also heard it sounded like this person was really use to be enable to feel really good like to access generosity and joy for the other person and have that connection be really solid. I’m so glad that it worked for you and it sounded like it startled didn’t work. It’s sad when someone is more scarcity when they can’t feel the appreciation comin’ at them. It maybe that they’re feeling love and scarce and she has to grab or hold the hot guy or push you away. If you can realize it’s about them not about you which is not easy. If I can, I’m like, “Oh, that person is feelin’ scarcity.” It’s not really about my relationship with my partner. It’s about their feelings about how available love is and that can make a little easier and might help your brain go, “Okay. That skill that I’ve been counting on.” it works most of the time. It’s amazing skill. I can keep it.
Reid: Yeah. Let us know what your comments are, all of you. Again, thanks for leaving comments and giving us stuff to talk about. You guys leave amazing questions and you’re very thoughtful and we think you’re awesome.
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