If you’re sure you want to keep things casual, how can you be clear and not lead women (or men) on?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and then they said, “How can you be honest so you don’t lead women on? Yes, this is a gentleman writing who is heterosexual when you don’t want to hurt them by misrepresenting your intentions. I know honesty is the best policy and I can’t torpedo things if things are revealed to soon. Can’t they? I’m just starting to practice honesty and it’s confronting. I’m excited by the prospect of learning to date my species. Should I read radical honesty? I’ve read the ethical slut. Really love your work.” So, this is [inaudible 00:00:28] to you.
Reid: Oh, okay. Thanks for writing in! We love that!
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: So, how much honesty? How fast?
Reid: Well, Brad Blanton. If you’re watching Brad, hey. We’re even [inaudible 00:00:43]
Cathy: Great book
Reid: Radical honesty. You can use honesty as a means of like freaking people out and bludging people. Now for me, if you use it on me, I think that that’s fun. So most like honesty wise, I’m kinky and I want you to spank me harder. But a lot of people aren’t used to unbridled honesty so what I think you do is you let people know that for you, you’re geeking out on practicing being more honest. And what would that, you know, would they like to play that game with you. Like, invite them to play with honesty with you and then have a conversation about what would feel good when too much honesty, too much and too little, too little. And dork out on the conversation about having conversations that include a lot of honesty. That way, you kind of use the contacts and the thing you’re a little bit unsure of as a means of creating relatedness. When you have contacts in relatedness, mixed with transparency and you do it slowly enough, and now I have an image of anal sex in my head. You don’t want to go too fast coz people tense up. You know, using this conversation is analogous – just a great analogy but now you’re all thinking about sex. You use the conversation to build relatedness which is kind of lubrication. The context is, this is what we’re gonna try, this is what’s happening. And then, your honesty is the reassurance that what we talked about is happening. And then, you just go slowly and develop the ear to be able to listen to people and how they’re doing and building that you guys can have check ins. You know, maybe “honesty” safe words. And then, you using the dynamic that could be too much for people as a means of connecting. It’s the geeky way to do it but basically when you invite people to play a game that you can create context for, they have more informed choice. And it might feel weird that you’re talking about what you want to talk about but it’s only weird because it’s uncommon. When you actually do it, people are like “Oh!” And most of us are dying for people that create context for us so that we don’t have to read their mind.
Cathy: Right or just talk about the weather again. I often look at the energy in the relationship. If I notice that there’s something I’m withholding and it feels like it’s some boulder in the flow between the two us. Like I’m having to put a lot of energy into keeping that out of the conversation or you know, kind of spending a lot of time being careful with my words so I don’t reveal things. That’s definitely a sign I want to share the information. And I do like your…like if it scares them away, maybe it’s good to know that now. And I do know some people like I tend to want to know there’s trust there before I share deep things. I don’t necessarily share everything with people I’ve just met. So, I…
Reid: [inaudible 00:04:05]
Cathy: We’re very different, I know. I want…you have to earn my trust before I’m gonna share some of the memorable things. I’m pretty open about a lot of things but there are some things that you have to build up trust with. So, it’s not just how comfortable is the other person but how safe do I feel with them. So, where you should just like, let it hang out.
Reid: Yeah. I think my approach is I feel more…I like creating safe space for myself and then inviting people into that safe space. So, I’m talking and sharing from inside of this kind of safety that I’m generating for myself. So…
Cathy: And I’m curious, like, I don’t mean to go down [inaudible 00:04:46] but I’m curious how much that is because you’re large, powerful male versus a female who I’ve had experiences then.
Reid: Oh, I know dating is interactions are very different. I also have two black belts so it’s like, I have a different orientation towards physical violence as well. And I know that that informs some of my choices and…
Cathy: It could be just the difference in self-expression as well.
Reid: Yeah. I mean, so there’s obviously there’s a privilege that I have being a big, white guy with black belts. And there’s the prep work that I’m doing ahead of time to create the safe space for myself anyway.
Cathy: Let’s do a video on that.
Reid: What do you think? Leave comments.