How Can You Own Your Own Sexuality? Part II With Jet Appling
Cathy: Have you wondered how to own your own sexuality? I’m here with Jet Appling from http://www.JetNoirMuse.com and I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. And Jet, you’re so amazing on stage and I know you’ve dance all you you were just in Europe. You’re, you just seem so natural and authentic when you move and you own who you are and it’s really delightful to watch. I was wondering if you have anything to share tips and pointers because like you said earlier the first video we did on this, everyone can own their own stuff you can either, you have a choice, you can be a victim or you can be out there and own it which I think is so powerful and true and different people are coming from different places in their lives so journey might be longer for some people than others. And for people that are really shy, there’s people that have been abused or just never had anyone encourage them. It could be, it can feel like impossible like they don’t even know where to start. What would, do you have anything you would suggest to them?
Jet: Well, I don’t necessarily have a starting point, a jump off point. I would say that when it comes to dance specifically where I learned over the years and my brother and I have this conversation long time ago about how when you watch men in this country have been socialized to not quote on quote look or act gay, this how it has been socialized. And so because of that when we see a lot of men, they are they’re usually and I’m saying usually coz I don’t want [Inaudible 01:40:00] to say oh I’m not usually sort of reserved when it comes to expressing emotions and then that also manifest in the dance floor how they feel about the song there are still like you meant like there’s sort of stiffness where it’s like oh I still want to you know be as manly as possible while I enjoy this song, what next right? And so because of that they can’t just forget about how they maybe perceived by someone just watching and just dance and be free with it and so what I’ve learned over the years is that if I watch someone that does have that freedom on stage when they don’t care about how they maybe perceive is like oh I can’t do that move because that move looks “gay” and so for those who don’t care about that and just get out there and move those are the people who I do want to watch dance. So over the years I’ve tried to become that in the sense that I want to move my body in the way that feels right for the song, in the way that feels right for the you know next or reveal that I’m going to do in burlesque or something like that but I don’t want to learn it myself and constantly think about oh if I move this way they might think x of me.
Cathy: So you’re looking inward rather than outward.
Jet: Say again?
Cathy: You’re looking inward rather than outward? You’re looking at what you want to do rather than how they might perceive you?
Jet: Right, yeah and this person who I’m no longer friends with because of what she said, she said to me are you ever worried that someone will see you perform and think you’re gay and then go home and jack off to you? This is what she said to me and I was blown away and I was just like that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard for starters and it there are other problems with that with that relationship but still her saying that is that it made me realize that number one score, somebody went home and jack off of my performers, I’m finally winning.
Cathy: If someone is enjoying it so much they got sexual pleasure, that’s wonderful!
Jet: Yeah right and number two, going back to what I’ve said on the previous video I have no control on what other people think, how they perceive what I do I only know what I want to present and they kind of perceive what they perceive and again fuck it right.
Cathy: Yeah. That’s great. I need to remind myself I’m thinking I’m always trying to protect other people from what I’m afraid they might feel if I am a certain way in the world and I know for a lot of shyer people that’s part of my dialogue all the time. So what about, even when you dance like your looks are very sexual they’re not like I really love how you dance because I’ve been I’ve watched some shows were it kind of felt invasive when the people are looking at me it didn’t feel like it feels like you own your sexuality without putting it on somebody else. And I was wondering what your thought cross like how do you do that?
Jet: Well, I saw the show I’m not going to name it the dancer were very talented but what they were doing was extremely stereotypical for male strippers. They basically pulling it over the audience and flipping them upside down and putting faces in crouches and humping and all of these stuff and my number one thought was where is the consent in this? And then aside from the consent it was just then I started thinking about liability I was like what happens when you drop somebody in their head? What the fuck going it do?
Cathy: Or in the bad back and you just flipped them over upside down?
Jet: Right. Yeah and so I was like sitting here and yeah I never ever want to be that on stage, I never want to you know just start humping on people like a rabbit dog and so when it comes to the looks that I give where those looks come from a a personal rule in my own stage and my rule is never try to be sexy. And it’s kind of like the improv rule, and the improv rule is never try to be funny coz you won’t be funny, right?
Cathy: If you try, yeah.
Jet: Right and this is the same thing with being sexy and every time in the past when I’m trying to be sexy when I got off stage without fail there were some friend of mine and the audience that knows me for years and they’re like oh me that was hilarious.
Cathy: That was opposite of what you were trying to do.
Jet: Yeah. That was, okay that was their perception I can’t fight them on it. Right? But still I am that was when I learned and I never tried to be sexy just get up there and do you know tell the story that you tried to create when you choreographed this, that was I told myself, get up there and tell the story and in telling that story that [Inaudible 00:06:26] in my head the look that you see I’m just telling you the story, I’m not trying to be sexy if I were trying to be sexy then I start humping people at the audience.
Cathy: Wow. Wow, I guess I was impressed how powerful your acting is when you’re up there and the emotions so that’s interesting. So what, if you’re not on stage and you see someone you’re interested in, do you use that kind of look as well or how do you approach people?
Jet: Oh I don’t, I don’t approach people and that’s because for a lot of reason but I often joke with a friends of mine about pickup lines but I don’t have a pickup line that I never used a pickup lines nor do I to expect pickup lines to ever work. I’m sure they work for other people good for them but as far as seeing an attractive person and then jumping off from there no thanks. And it’s usually because I’ve been dating for a really long time and I had my first date when I was eleven so, in all of those years of dating I have I found that the people that either come up to me or that I’m introduced to mutual friends to at a party or something like that there’s going to be a much better foundation of easy conversation as opposed to oh that woman is attractive, let me go and say hi. Every time I’ve done that and when I say every time were talking about I count in one hand I say 3 out of 5 times and she didn’t speak English. And I was like see, that’s exactly why I told you at home and this is not let’s not do this.
Cathy: So you don’t, do you ever use? Say you’re hanging out with some friends that your that you some mutual friends and you’re interested in being sexual with them? Do you ever use looks or body language to say No [Inaudible 00:08:23] or always a discussion?
Jet: I use discussion, I mean because I believed let’s just talk and there so many people have this mentality I hear them talk about it and they’re like oh well isn’t that a bit of a the buzzkill and you don’t want to talk about it as if it was a business meeting and I’m like well if you think that’s the buzzkill and then the buzz wasn’t really there.
Cathy: That’s a good point.
Jet: So I think, there been and I also I’ll never forget this is something I feel like this simple permission is time I always believe that asking a woman before I kiss her for the first time and I remember a woman I dated like this is probably 20 years ago and she kind of reprimanded me and she said don’t ask and she kind of roll her eyes as if me asking was some sort of ridiculous thing and I was like yeah but I don’t really when it comes to that sort of thing like me connecting with your body physically vibes are not going to cut out fot me, I need to know.
Cathy: Yeah. I sometimes think there’s something there but if I ask they’re like no or I’ll think it isn’t there and people are like I’ve been hitting I’ve had dates where I didn’t realize they were dates till a couple of years later. People have to use their words with me coz I don’t always get it, no I love that. Can we come back and talk a little bit more about consent?
Jet: Yeah, totally.
Cathy: If you have questions or comments, please leave them below we’d love to hear.