Reid: How do you handle situations where when you ask for something, the person is a no but if it’s their idea, they’re yes? This is Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: And this is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/.
Reid: We’re building off of a previous video and so I had this insight now, and I want to flip these scales on Cathy Vartuli and be like okay, so how do you handle situations where if you make the request, the person is no but if it’s their idea, they are yes. Like, how, advice, advise these amazing viewers on how to navigate them.
Cathy: Well, I might talk to that person about that. Just to make sure we, that you know, I might notice a trend. I might write down a couple of times that has happened recently that we can just kind of give them context. It was shared in the other video, it is part of our family that we are taught how to hint and hope. And that’s not really a good way, it’s kind of manipulative where, I do a lot for someone and then hint about things I want to do and hope that they’ll figure out what I want.
Reid: No, is that, does that work? Because then it becomes their idea to take you to the movies because you hinted out or subliminally planted the idea.
Cathy: It can work and I’ve actually had a lot of, I’ve got, I’ve tried a lot of different coaches and read a lot of books. And gone to different relationship programs just to understand as much as I could. And there’s a number of people out there that say women need to do that in order to have a good relationship that it’s wrong to be direct about what you want which I did that for 44 years and it was not, like it was just difficult and challenging. It works often enough, that…
Reid: The hinting part works often enough?
Cathy: It works, like…
Reid: I just want to make sure what you’re talking about.
Cathy: The hinting part, the hint and hope part works often enough to get random reinforcement which is a very powerful reinforcement.
Reid: Random positive reinforcement is only seconded by a random negative reinforcement for my skinarian behaviorist out there. Gotcha.
Cathy: It was really challenging and I felt like my partner really loved me when here she got what my hint was and did it the right way. Even though I gave details, not enough details of my hints. And they didn’t love me if I didn’t get it. And sometimes I would try telling a mutual friend and hope it get back to them. So that might work with somebody who really hates to be asked what to do. But you know, like maybe talking to that person and say “Hey, I noticed this has happened. If you want some examples I’d be glad to share, could you give me your feedback on it and is there a way I could talk to you in a way that wouldn’t make you feel trapped.
Reid: Well, in that situation that you would be creating a conscious hinting game, which I think they would be okay with it because…
Reid: Well, yeah because it’s now role playing. So you’re acknowledging that oh, when I ask for things directly, you get defensive or reactive. I know this is about you, I still love you. I would like to get what I want when you’re yes. What is the fun way, can we make this a game? How do I make this a thing so you feel seen and heard and loved and cherished? And how do I support you in us being able to ask for things directly? Which I get is like an “advanced” adult thing because there are people out there who are in relationships – I’ve coached them, who are like, oh my god! I want to ask for things directly but my partner- sometimes a man, sometimes woman, sometimes a Trans person, like they don’t handle it well. And the question there is, I’m always like well can you have this conversation, like a Meta conversation? And then like, what’s going on in their life? Usually they’re over-stressed, overwork, you all just had a baby or something, like there is so much going on that the person that you’re in a relationship with has just lost it, and lost it a while ago.
Cathy: Well I did have a good friend that when I first was working with you and learning like how to talk directly to people and say what I wanted, he felt very triggered by it because let’s say, he made great margaritas and I would say hey, are you up to making your famous margaritas? Because I would love one.
Reid: Who is this person and where are those margaritas right now?
Cathy: They’re in Dallas.
Reid: Quickly, to the car!
Cathy: And he shared that his mother had always phrase things, like a request but it was really demand.
Cathy: So he felt very, he felt trapped as soon as I was more direct versus like, you know, it’s really a hot day, kind of…
Reid: Oh, like painting the picture.
Reid: Yeah, I’m just not like that. If you are listening to this, and you are one of those when you like it when somebody paint, “Oh, like it’s so hot. You know what when it’s hot and I’m just so grateful that you [inaudible 00:04:59] in my world.
Cathy: It inspired me…
Reid: I just sometimes think about the next time I’m going to raise a glass that you poured one of your delicious margaritas.
Cathy: Did you get that new blender you’re talking about?
Reid: I actually bought you a new blender. If you’re one of those people, leave some comments. Because I want to understand in this more and my question to you as we wrap up this video is now that you’ve been asking things directly for several years versus having grown up in your hinting world, are you getting more of what you want than you did when you hinted?
Cathy: I absolutely am. There’s a couple of people I’ve noticed in my life that kind of don’t really comfortable with the direct even though I do phrase it as a request like would you be interested. I would love to do this with you if it feels like yes and I’m okay if they say no. I’ve also been a little concerned because in our society in general people aren’t face with people asking directly what they want. I’m wondering if some of my shier, less articulate, people that aren’t as vocal or not willing to push back as much, I wonder sometimes if they go along with what I suggest. I suggested Chinese but Japanese would be fine and Italian. Maybe they’re not speaking up. I do say, this would be fun for me do you want to do that or even with them I try to tone or is there some place else? I sometimes feel like they might be swept away.
Reid: Another video coming up, this is a good topic. We’re going to keep it until we’re exhausted. We beat the horse to death. Leave a comment, what do you think?
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Cathy: Ask questions.
Reid: Share this on Facebook. Just go crazy. Go crazy now.