If you have casual sex, how do you keep the connection… casual?
Cathy: So we just answered the question about how to have casual sex and leave your partner feeling great but someone else wrote in said I’ve noticed that whenever I have sex with people even if we have agreed on casual sex after I first time I have casual sex with them they start calling me like their girlfriend and I’m not really sure how to have a conversation without hurting their feelings or making them feel like I’m rejecting them.
Reid: Good. This is Cathy Vartuli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from https://Reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Okay so casual sex, for those of you who have been tuning in to these videos or who Google stalk me a little bit. I’m quite promiscuous. I don’t hide it. I’m not bragging. I’m just letting people know, hey if you happen to hear that I’m pretty slutty like that’s true and one of the things that’s really important to me is leaving the campsite better than you found it like just a decent human being and having sexual experiences even if they’re super casual to like leave everybody feeling great. So a lot of the things that I’ve learned over the years as being somebody who’s really promiscuous who’s trying not to leave a wake of destruction and upset people is like how do you figure out if somebody is a good fit to have a casual encounter whatever that needs to look like for you cause sometimes a one night stand is just the beginning of a friendship and for people I’ve found that there are people out there whu just more palatable and more fun and joyful making to have casual sex and for some people there’s more enjoyment, enjoy and fun in having relationships.
Cathy: Or the mixture of the two.
Reid: Or Mixture of the two. Where it gets tricky with the mixture is if you don’t know how you operate in that world it kind of gets all, it can become confusing and I recommend that you check out some of the resources on my website and go to https://Reidaboutsex.com/slutprotocols and that’s my pity little catchy name for a bunch of things that you can do around casual sex to not have it be so casual but also not trigger everyone’s I’m falling in love and we’re dating.
Cathy: and I want to have you always.
Reid: Yeah, which is natural for lot of people.
Cathy: Well if you have a great time it’s like human’s want to repeat good times.
Reid: Yeah, so it’s really just how you start the conversation with people to assess whether they’re good fit or not which means you really need to have conversations and talk to people which means you’re starting to establish expectations, Hey if we’re going to have this casual hookup just know that I’m not interested in dating or I’m not interested in dating you so like we can be casual, be fuck buddies or friends with benefits but I’m not interested being your boyfriend or your girlfriend, how do you feel about that and if we were to have a casual hookup like, is that going to leave your campsite better than you found it which isn’t always easy to start talking about these things but the more you practice it the easier it becomes over time.
Cathy: Yeah and to most people make mistakes like they might I like to listen to people’s words and trust that they’re adults and most they give me signs that they’re not but if someone says yes of course I can handle it, it’s gonna be great they may have thought that at the time and it doesn’t make them a horrible person and to a liar if they find out later that maybe they aren’t handling this as well.
Reid: And they got attached to you or they want to date you it’s okay for things to change.
Cathy: or just clean up the mess that happens.
Reid: You want to be establishing that it’s okay to talk about the stuff, it’s what we don’t talk about things and things are festering or things were left unspoken or hoping that you’re going to change.
Cathy: I want you to sleep with me it will be all better and you’re be like
Reid: yeah and that’s romantic comedy stuff and most romantic comedy is based on people not being truthful to each other as quickly as possible and while romantic comedy is fun to watch they are often horrible to be trapped in, do not be trap into that romantic comedy.
Cathy: You did a very good job with that yelling.
Reid: That was good. I’m trying not to yell because we have a new microphone which you can see right there. We need to lower that in the next video. My microphone is showing.
Cathy: So the person that wrote in, we really appreciate your question. You said had, you know I have sex with them for the first time and we agreed it’s casual and they start calling you girlfriend. One thing you could say right upfront of is Hey I have this happened in the past were we’ve discussed that it’s casual sex and I just want to be upfront because people have been confused about it, if we sleep together I am not your girlfriend. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person and just means that’s not what I’m looking for with you right now.
Reid: And check out this slut protocols even if you don’t like the word slut. I just use that word as a means of reclaiming the power around it because it’s so negative. I want to make it more positive thing. It could be the other thing that’s happening is the way you’re having the casual sex with these people is triggering their dating and imprinting responses so there are things that can help around casual sex where you are not sleeping with people too often that they started to feel like they’re dating, you’re not staying in touch and connecting with people too often which is really just giving each other dopamine hits which can trigger your imprinting, trip wires were all of a sudden you’re like…
Reid: Yes we’re dating and that’s okay but that works best when you both were like “Hey do you want to date? And you’re like yes let’s date“.
Cathy: I think about logically.
Reid: And then you can just like you know dopamine hit each other like crazy and be like you’re dreamy. We’re dating you like we are dating. This is dreamy rather than Oh my goodness they’re calling me their boyfriend or their girlfriend. So leave your comments what do you think? How do you handle casual sex and make it clean and leave the campsites better than you found it.