Feeling jealous but not sure you have a right to be?
Find out more with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: So how do you handle being jealous when you’re not part of a couple but you’re a casual partner to someone who is poly.
Reid: How do you avoid being jealous?
Cathy: Or how do you handle being jealous?
Reid: That sounds like envy maybe.
Cathy: Or it could be jealousy.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: Okay, so what would you do?
Cathy: First of all, I don’t think jealousy or envy.. Oh well, we have videos in a different split. I don’t think they’re limited to I’m in a deep relationship therefore I can be jealous or I’m in a causal relationship then I shouldn’t be jealous. I’ve been envious or jealous of things that I have no right like I have no agreement that I was gonna be part of. I still just like, oh I want that. We get to want what we want. Jealousy can [Inaudible 00:00:52] its ugly heads one in a rightly places.
Reid: [Inaudible 00:00:56] envy and jealousy, envy is I want that, jealousy tends to be I want that person removed and I want to be in that person’s shoes. Envy can be really useful you can be like “oh, I don’t need to go to a movie with John, I just want to go to movies with somebody who cares about me or whatever versus Sally must be removed so that I can go to the movies with John and John should never go to a movies with Sally ever. That would be more jealousy. And again…
Cathy: That sounds actually creepy.
Reid: For John, but John take them both to the movie separately and you’re good. Go, go, go John! Go! Good luck!
Cathy: Or also I can go to a movies with, sometimes I wanna be included. So…
Reid: But that was not jealousy or envy.
Cathy: I define that as envy but she kinda ever, a little bit kinda say no.
Reid: You wanna be included so that threesome.
Cathy: You’re going to an in ice-cream with Sally, I wanna go too…
Reid: I wanna go both of you.
Cathy: I want the experience, it doesn’t. Sally doesn’t have to get off for me to be okay about it. For Sally.
Reid: I’m not touching that one.
Cathy: Sally can come too.
Reid: [Inaudible 00:02:15] Sally can get off with?
Cathy: We can all have ice-cream together but I want to be included in the experience which I define as envy.
Reid: Interesting. Inclusions meets envy. I’ll think about this, I’ll ponder on this. Back to John and Sally’s problem.
Cathy: And also, jealousy is a sign that our needs are not getting met.
Reid: It is great dashboard light in your car of yourself. So jealousy Kamala Devi had said is basically dashboard light, it’s blinking because something’s up.
Cathy: So what need are you not getting met, do you seek really wanna be more than a peripheral person in this relationship. Or do you wanna, or do you need more connection, more romantic connection in your life in general maybe with those person or with somebody else? What are your needs that are not getting meet here and speaking up and sharing. I used to hide jealousy which is came across weird coz I was trying to pretend everything was good and I just like to fix loud. It was too awkward and too scary, so I try to when it feel safe, I tell someone “hey I noticed that I feeling really jealous about that and if someone I close to I might say “are you willing to talk about it maybe we can figure out a way together that might good feel or sometimes I deal with it myself”.
Reid: Yeah, I mean first thing is just to figure out what’s going on and a lot of people when they’re having a lot of emotions can get a loud of clarity. So in those cases, wait until you don’t have the emotions and then try to think about it which is tough form some people coz they don’t wanna think about it coz it’s then it brings back into the reality. Having a therapist or somebody to talk to who’s a trained listener can be helpful and you really wanna, in my opinion you really wanna figure out to the best of your ability “oh, this is what’s happening”. I have a Jealousy course in http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/jealousy or http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/Store so you could be flop your skills at around understanding that thing called jealousy and then the needs underneath it and do you need those needs met by these actual people and how can you get those source in other ways so you have, you can diversify your needs in getting portfolio. So, it’s not just focus on one person because in intention in base of what you’re doing is you’re making it that person’s job to meet that need and even if they explicated agreed to that it’s still not a smart idea because they may just go through something in their life where they can’t take you to in the movies and now you feel you’re awed the movie by that person. It’s not the best way for you how to set up how your needs meet. So this is why community and friends and group activities are so useful and make sure your monkey needs meet as best as you can from your friends and family and community.
Cathy: And just remember, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a casual relationships when we all get hit by jealousy sometimes…
Reid: Even in friendship, this is not a poly thing only.
Cathy: So be gentle with yourself and get the support you need.
Reid: Awesome. Leave comments.