What do you do when you’re straight and gay people hit on you? With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: What do you do when you’re straight and gay people hit on you? I’m Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: This is a great question, so whoever left this comment, I just want to say thank you because … Thank you all of you who leave comments because you’re inspiring a lot of the conversation and what we talk about next.
Cathy: It’s so fun to read through them. This topic also applies if you’re homosexual or bisexual and someone hits on you … In general.
Reid: Straight people hit on you? That was funny.
Cathy: Yeah, it was. What do you do?
Reid: What do I do? I thank people. I’m just like, “Thank you so much for the attention, the compliment. I am flattered.” If you can get to a place … Again, there may be people watching the video. You may be somebody who is like, “Um, I’m offended or grossed out or super uncomfortable.” For you, personally, just notice your feelings and take a breath. Own that.
Also understand that 2 situations: even if somebody is being creepy, there’s a way to see like, “Oh wow, that’s flattering. Thank you so much.” The creepy people, you need to tell them that they’re being creepy or pushy. What I like to do is use an appreciation sandwich for people who hit on me or who come onto me and I’m not interested.
Cathy: You’re not interested?
Reid: Are you …
Cathy: I was role modeling for you.
Reid: You’re role modeling? Oh, yeah, what?
Cathy: So, do you want to go out?
Reid: Absolutely. Are you buying?
Cathy: That totally failed.
Reid: Back to the thing. I use an appreciation sandwich, which I think we have a video on, where I compliment them. I acknowledge and compliment the person. Then I state what my need is. Then I thank them again. 2 compliments, 2 appreciations and my request or my need. “Oh, you’re so sweet-
Cathy: They’re saying they’re attracted to you. “You’re so sweet.”
Reid: “You’re so sweet for hitting on me. I’m straight or I’m not interested or thank you so much, but no thanks, and good for you for …
Cathy: Speaking up and asking.
Reid: “For speaking up and asking,” or, “Thanks again for that,” or, “Nice shoes by the way.”
Cathy: If you can remember how uncomfortable it is for you to ask people out when you don’t know them, it can be easier to appreciate them for having the courage.
Reid: The one thing I will say, because I do believe this was a cisgendered straight guy who wrote in … Cisgendered means you were born male, you were assigned male gender at birth, and that gender works for you. If you’re a cisgendered female, which I believe you are-
Cathy: Yes, I am.
Reid: They said, “Cathy, she’s a girl,” and you were like, “That works for me.” If you’re a cisgendered straight dude … This has happened to me where I’ve had a gay man or a bisexual man hit on me, and then I’m like, “Thank you so much … Do my whole little appreciation sandwich. Then they’re like, “Ah, come on. Come on.”
Cathy: You just haven’t had the right dude. I’ve had that, “You haven’t had the right …
Reid: Which is usually the, “You just haven’t let me suck your dick. I will change you over to our side.” Here’s my advice for that. I’m like, “Well, if you can change me, then you just haven’t had the right pussy then. Let’s not go there because that’s rude and offensive. However, if you really want … I’m teasing these people at this point … If you really want me to go find you the right pussy, and you want to be made straight, come with me.”
I do have a bone about this. A pet peeve is when people pressure me in that … This happens in the BDSM world too.
Cathy: Yeah, I get that all the time, “You just haven’t been hurt by the right person.” I’m like, “That’s not my thing.”
Reid: “You haven’t been spanked,” “You haven’t been tied up,” or whatever like that. Again, “Thank you so much. That’s not my kink. Go you. Good luck on finding that person.” If somebody is like, “Well, you just haven’t been tied up by the right person,” then you’ll be like, “Sir … Or ma’am or madam or master, whatever … That is creepy. Now you’re being pushy, and that’s a-holish. Please stop. Nice boots by the way.”
You can still do the compliment thing. I really do … My heart goes out to those of you who get hit on in pushy ways. Straight people, especially guys, who are well meaning, be really careful when you’re pushy with women-
Cathy: We’re going to do another video about that.
Reid: Now, you’re the one who is being a-holish. Check in that video too. I hope this was useful for you. Leave your comments below.
Cathy: Thanks for writing in.
Reid: What did you think about this video? Bye.
More articles on improving your communication and relationship skills: