Is there a difference in being sexual with a bigger person? Can you talk about it?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: So, what if you have never slept with a bigger person? And, you want to? How do you talk to them about what’s going on and how to play with them?
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: So, why don’t you start because people might identify you as a larger person that me, although I have been working on it! Coming on nice!
Cathy: Part of it is, letting someone know … Like I really like it, I’ve had a couple partners who the first time we slept together or started fooling around, they were like, “Wow, you have such beautiful skin. I love that there is so much of it.” They were kind of letting me know they liked who I was, and that it wasn’t a shameful thing.
Reid: And how did it land on you when people are that upfront with you?
Cathy: Well, I have a lot less shame then a lot of people about my size. Certainly comes up at times; We get so many messages about fat is bad in our society that when I can feel the genuineness of it and I can feel like they were present with me and not just objectifying my body, just like “Wow you’re really cool.”, that helped me to have any kind of conversation going forward be easier.
I also like to acknowledge, as a bigger person, I often in conversations, whether I’m at work or social situations or on a date, I at some point pretty early on in the conversation, say something that indicates that I know I am a bigger person. Because a lot of people are all pretending, and there are a lot of people that will say, “Oh no, no, no, no, you’re not fat.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I am.”
You know, I’m a big person, and it’s okay. Letting them know that I am not ashamed of it, and that we both don’t have to pretend that I’m not – because that’s just so awkward. So if you can get to the point where you do that … You know it took me so work. There was a lot of shame built up. I felt like I was wrong, I didn’t have the right to exist.
I think in a lot of ways people of size are treated the way Irish people were treated 80 years ago, or something like that. It’s okay to pick on them, it’s okay to shame them. But it’s not. We are who we are, and we are where we are. But just normalizing the conversation, and saying, “hey” … If you’re a bigger person you can let the other person know that you know you’re bigger, that we don’t have to pretend.
Reid: I do have a question about the objectification. How was it, or how does it feel when people do objectify your size? Like that is a turn on for them and maybe they are so caught up in the moment that they are forgetting about Cathy, and they’re into the thing that maybe they thought they would never get to have or don’t get a lot of.
Cathy: I’ve had a couple people come up to me that really were in to big people, I tend not to date people that that’s their biggest erotic turn-on. It’s fine if it’s a turn-on but if that’s their thing, and they’re just going after me for my size, I don’t find that sexy at all. And it doesn’t feel connected to me. It feels like they’re just wanting to have my body, or that experience, and not the person that’s involved in it. So for me, it’s not sexy. For some people it might be. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong.
Reid: Well and I would imagine that … If you’re into people getting turned-on by something about you or just yourself, then someone being turned on could work. When does objectification … like what’s a healthy balance with that? Have you ever experienced that?
Cathy: I think it’s a lot about listening to your own body and paying attention to what works for you, and being self-expressed about it. So I have had someone come up and say, “You are really hot, you should show off more skin, I want to fuck you.” And I’m like, “You don’t know who I am, like you don’t have any connection to me.” And I didn’t really feel like he wanted to, so I was just like, “No, not interested.”
I’ve had other people that are like I kind of like big women, and I would like to get to know you to see if we are a good fit. And I’m like, “Let’s talk.” But in general, I like people that are connected to who I am and big isn’t a deterrent. I don’t want someone to sleep with me who doesn’t like that. What is erotic and what is essential to us is not PC, we don’t have to do it PC.
Reid: For people in general.
Cathy: So if someone is not turned on by bigger women, I don’t want them to date me, I don’t want to go to bed with them. But if I can, I’m happy no normalize it, I am a bigger woman so that’s helping on that one side. And if the person who is wanting to talk about it can let me know that it’s not a bad thing or a shameful thing that I’m bigger, that really helps. Like, “Hey, I really like your body, I want to play with your body, I haven’t really played with someone your size before and I’m really curious. I’d like to connect with you and have a hot time, can we talk a little bit about … Are there any things you specially need? Are there any positions you especially like or that don’t work for you? I would like to know this ahead of time so that we have a really hot time together.” Something like that would go over really easy for me.
Reid: Okay. If you would like to share with our audience, is there something … If somebody was objectifying you for being a woman of size, is there a thing about people that you objectify and that if they were that person then you would kind of have an objectification-off and it would be a good fit? Is that possible?
Cathy: I think it’s possible. I tend to be someone that needs an emotional connection if I want to feel sexy. I don’t tend to … And there’s nothing wrong with people that just feel, “That’s hot, I want to fuck you.” There’s nothing wrong with that. That just doesn’t tend to work for my body.
Reid: Got it.
Cathy: My body tends to … There’s something about someone’s back, if they have really broad shoulders, you know, bigger shoulders – there’s something in that for me that would be kind of … Like I don’t think … I’m not going to sleep with someone just because they have that, but it catches my brain. My brain …
Reid: So if someone has a Thor-like back, and they want to hit on you, they should approach you backwards?
Cathy: Backwards with no shirt on.
Reid: Perfect, there you go! There you have it right there folks! That’s gold! That’s gold! What about … Let me ask another question, this is fun. What about somebody who falls in love with your mind, with your personality, but is turned off by people of size? How would you handle that?
Cathy: I’ve actually gone out with some people I met online, and I said I was bigger but I think they thought like size eight or twelve, as opposed to size 20 – and I had pictures up when we met – we’d already had a connection, but there wasn’t … He was kinda of like, “Oh!”.
I invited him to discuss cultural programming versus actual erotic … You can’t control what’s erotic to you. You can’t control what is sensual to you, but you certainly can control the culture programming that says “Big people are disgusting and shameful and probably smell.” I’m like, “Do I smell? No, I actually just took a shower, I’m clean.” The smell is not about size. And I’m like, “Do you want to touch my skin? It’s actually really soft, a lot of people have had fun playing with it.” So I invited him to deconstruct that with him.
I think it opened … It removed some of that but I really thought we figured out it wasn’t a good fit, it wasn’t something he wanted to go forward with. Which was cool, let’s figure this out now rather than later. So, again, if you can realize that … And it can be really hard sometimes when you like someone and they’re like, “I don’t like that”, it’s like, “But I want you to like it, and you should like it.” It’s really hard to be like, “You get to like what you want.” So realize you can have some grief about it. It can bring up some old shame in the past for me, but I really love it when someone talks to me about my body because most of my body is pretty flexible and it’s really strong. There’s not a lot going on but there are certain parts, like where my belly is big, if someone’s really rough shoving my stomach out of the way, it can actually hurt. Especially if someone is not sure, I love talking about it. It makes me feel really safe and cared about.
Reid: Well, and your actually talking about something that kind of becomes the elephant in the room, no pun intended, for so many people like you just afraid to talk about it at all.
Cathy: Yeah, and there’s not much modeling. I mean, there’s fetish porn, but usually there’s … The ones I have seen have pretty much mocked … Usually bigger women but it’s bigger men too. There’s not really a role model with a respectful loving touch. How do you handle it when someone’s stomach is over the area you want to go? Or, if their thighs are together what do you do? How do you respectfully and sensually do that? If we aren’t role modeled it becomes scary, and then it’s really easy to say, “Oh that’s bad, I don’t want to play with that.”, because it’s unknown.
Reid: Then people who actually want to be playing feels shutdown and then they don’t get to be with the people that they want to be with and it’s all weird.
Cathy: Yeah, so I think talking about it and if both people bring something to the table, like, “Hey, I am willing to talk about this. Not everybody’s played with bigger people, do you want to talk about it?” Or the other person can say, “Hey, I haven’t played with someone who is bigger and it’s cool, you are who you are, I don’t have a problem but I just want to talk about it so I feel a little more secure about it. I know I’m supposed to be a stud and know how to do this, but can we talk about the different things your body might need?” I think that’s nice anyway. Whether someone’s a size 2 or a size 20, to talk about the different needs we have around our bodies.
Reid: That’s called intimacy, folks. Leave your comments below! What do you think?
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