How Do You Work With People Who Can’t Handle Rejection?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo and Reid Mihalko and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Video number 4 here in a series because we’re on a roll. How to handle or how to work with people who when they make a request in this case around sex, you feel like they can’t take a no gracefully or that they’re going to get weird about it or the no’s going to crush them. You’re picking up they can’t handle rejection. This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheintimacyDojo.com/.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com/ and it does feel awkward and I definitely felt I’ve been in that position when I felt like it mattered so much for the other person to say yes but it does not necessarily make the person comfortable or safe. As adults, we’re responsible for getting our own needs met then ask another people to participate if they want to. As a small child, we do have needs we can’t get them in our way.
Reid: So, for you having both sides of the situations, what’s your advice for people who feel that rejection might crush that person or that they have those tendrils trying to get you please, please, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.
Cathy: One, we have a bunch of videos handling disappointment. I encouraged you to go thru them because we being able to handle disappointment is something that could actually give you power in the world and make it easier for people to say yes to you. If you approach someone like hey, I’m interested in this with you but if you say NO, I’ll be okay. They’re much more likely to be open than if you’re like, oh my god I need this for me. I’d probably need it for my entire life, I really need this and if you don’t do it, I’m going to be crashed. People often try to put their distance between themselves or if we approach people from that way, if they start dating us or interacting with us, it’s not too equal, it is just someone who’s doing favor for someone or caretaking for someone. That’s not what I want to create in my life anyway. So learning how to handle disappointment and doing the things you can to get your needs met as much as possible, where much more needy when our tanks are low, we have a lot of stuffs going on. And I love having this circle of people that I can ask for help because Reid might be traveling or busy or another friend might be going thru their own stuff. If I have circle of friends that I can call and hey I’m having a rough time right now, are you willing to be there to support me? That makes me feel less needy than if oh my god, you’re the only person I can turn to right now. I’m more likely pulling needy about that.
Reid: To understand that kind of dynamic because most people haven’t been watching these videos so they don’t know how to handle disappointment. That needy energy tends to be in my working with lots of people I kind of seen people at my workshops and stuffs, there’s this starvation kind of needy which is somebody who’s dying of thirst or hunger, who’s at the free buffet and they can’t wait in line. You’re sensing, their system is going like Ahhh! They’re in starvation mode and they, I need this now.. I need this now.
Cathy: Like someone who doesn’t get to conference or events a lot. Wasn’t around in a lot of sex geeks, I think they have felt to grab the opportunity while they could.
Reid: There’s that piece, right? Like I need it or it scares. Scares is every different than starvation. So there’s like two different settings on the fazer of neediness. And again, it is okay to have needs and most people are just very sloppy or uncoordinated with understanding the energy that they’re giving off or taking ownership of it, right? You could be in line at the buffet and telling people in front of you, excuse me may I cut? I haven’t eaten in actually 3 days and I’m starving. May I skip the line? Like there’s a way of being transparent or what you are noticing about yourself with that. It means you know things about yourself and confined your words. The other situation is scarcity because my own opportunity and scarcity is often woven with meaning. What me make it mean? If you don’t sleep with me then I’m not cool.
Cathy: Yeah, this felt more status related really.
Reid: Welcome to the cool kids club, Cathy Vartulli. Now you know what it’s like a little bit or a lot.
Cathy: People wanting to get status by sleeping with you and kind of pulling that at you for that.
Reid: Yeah. And they’re like Oh my god if you say no to me, what does it mean about myself? So a lot of people again have taken workshops and done the work to realize that we all do this. Like I get that I make things mean things and I can handle my disappointment around what I’m making it mean and I often tell people like oh just so you know I can handle my own disappointment but I’m a star fucker and you’re a star. My ego wants this and I can handle that. I can sit inside of the container that is me and own it. Keep it from gushing out on to you…