How To Trust Someone Again When They Cheated A Lot In The Past?
Cathy: Someone else wrote in and said they just stared opening up their relationship and her partner just met another girl which he likes which is just great, my only problem is she has a lot of trust issues because he cheated on her in the past and she notices that she did the trust isn’t there and she wants him to kind of prove his words but she’s not going out with the dates with them. And he’s very attentive and focused on this new partner so it’s bringing up a lot of that insecurity and that feeling like how can I trust that he says he wants to be with me or that he’s not going to leave me when he cheated a lot in the past. So this is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: That’s a tough thing to go through.
Reid: Yes, but we have answers they might not be good answers but perhaps I at least entertain you as I have my tux on because the airline I flew this morning lost my bag but I have my seat bag with me which had my tuxes so we’re getting tux treatment here. Obviously if they’re wearing their tux they can be fully trusted.
Reid: Obviously. That’s the simple solution. No that was a joke. The book, The Five Languages of Apology which I think got renamed to When Sorry isn’t Enough. But if you go to www.fivelovelanguages.com there will be a link for the five languages of apology or whatever the new name is by Gary Chapman and Jennifer somebody, Jennifer were so sorry we always forget your name. I look it up in a second. But read the five languages of apology, it’s really useful for rebuilding trust and I recommend that to everybody who works with me for coaching I just think everybody should read it. I also think you should read the five love languages because I thinks that’s really useful for monogamy and polyamory and swinging and all that stuff. What about you?
Cathy: I was trying to look it up cause we always forget the name … The fact, just acknowledging that your feeling like if you can’t trust very well digging in and figuring out what would reassure you we are all reassured by different things. Would that it be he tells you three things he appreciates about you or that you have time alone together and those might time of love languages but it sounds you’re feeling insecure about your relationship and you’re not sure that this new relationship is not going to pull him away from you especially if you’re newer to Poly, you don’t have the track record there’s not a certainty there. But having him remind you about what he values in your relationship making sure you have some time where it’s really easy I know I’ve done this and my friends have done this to me too. Like there’s a new relationship and all they want to do is talk about their new relationship and how wonderful they are and my God she do this thing and he did that thing oh my God and. Maybe have like okay were going to get on date tonight and for three hours were not going to talk about the other thing or the other person, were going to focus on our relationship and what we value or having specific date time might reassure you and help you feel more secure and part of it is we all feel insecure at times and there’s not necessarily anything wrong.
Reid: Yeah, so being able to talk about it and like not hide these talks or hide these feelings that’s always be the beginning, arming yourself with good resources like resourcing yourself with good resources not even arming like it’s a military term but like Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Jennifer were so sorry and also I have a product that talks about jealousy and working through your needs around jealousy.
Cathy: It’s a great talking about being a warning sign that your needs are not getting meet so maybe some of the attention…
Reid: So you can go to www.ReidAboutSex.com/jealousy and a bunch of stuff will come up for you to look at resource wise. But knowing that this is the beginning and that people can rebuild trust that you can start to learn your interior emotional landscape more so that you have more agency not always control but you don’t get paralyzed you have ways of taking action, getting support and really transforming your world.
Cathy: And Jennifer Thomas, Thomas is English muffins I like English muffins as an apology it would make me feel like he cared about me if he brought me an English muffins now I’m probably like…
Reid: You never I never going to forget I Jennifer Thomas because of what just happened there.
Cathy: We hope this helps.
Reid: Leave comments, hit subscribe to get an English muffins.