Finding out where your venn diagram overlaps with your partner so you might be able to find your yes in an area that’s really juicy for them too.
If you have a hard time tuning into that, and always feel rushed and in a hurry, then join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share ways to slow down, and be more present.
Cathy: Someone asked when…we have a video on Tuning Into Your Partner which basically means finding out where you are yes, and where your venn diagram overlaps with them so you might be able to find your yes, in an area that’s really juicy for them too. The person said I have a hard time tuning into that, I always feel rushed and in a hurry, and they’re asking for a ways to slow down, and be more present.
Reid: She’s talking about tuning in as far as activities or …
Cathy: Tuning into the person … To the mood, the energy of the space. This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the http://TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: I love tuning into my partner, I am someone who loves to collaborate, I much rather do something with someone than by myself.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: It’s really … I found that it’s really delightful for me if I can find my yes, that over laps with my partner, or my friend’s yes. To do that it doesn’t mean I have to slow down and be present with them. Because if I am just kind of caught up in my stuff, it’s really hard to know for example what tune, what might be tune to read. Is he in a quiet mood right now, I can ask him, you know what kind of mood are you in right now.
I can see if that tunes, he’s in a really quiet mood, and I need to burn some energy off, maybe there’s not a tuning right there but I can come back later. If there’s a tuning like he wants to do something that seems really good to me it’s fun to tune my interest in that direction so we can do something together. You do have to slow down to do that, to notice … what the …
Reid: I’m actually confused… When I’m hearing you tune in to figure out where there’s a good fit for what you guys want to do, not necessarily the temper or the mood, like tune in …
Cathy: I think it can be both.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: For me it can be both.
Reid: I do agree that slowing down makes sense for everybody like you need to check in, and try to figure out what’s going on, like who’s where. My suggestion would be you figuring out where you’re at, what you want, and initiating that way, because then it’s practicing, one, on your self-awareness, what you’re trying to create or get. Then by you sharing “Hey, this is where I’m at, and what I’m looking for, where are you at and looking for?”
Which for me I like doing my partners do that, because then what they’re doing is bringing me present “What am I in the mood for.” Then we can figure out where the match is there. I don’t prefer it when people are trying to figure out where I’m at, without speaking up first. That kind of feel like a weird like, Startrek like. I’m like “What are you doing?” I’m like, “I’m trying to figure out, where you’re at, so I can figure out what I want.”
Cathy: Okay, if using your approach, how do you slow down enough to notice where you’re at. Because sometimes we get really busy, we get caught up in all the things we need to do, and our to do list, our laundry list, our grocery list. It’s hard to know where we’re at and what we need right now, or want. How do you slow down?
Reid: You slow down, like realize you are caught up in a whole bunch of stuff, and that you haven’t checked in with yourself, about what do I want, what are my needs. I’m standing in front … It’s like when you’re standing in front of the open refrigerator and you don’t remember how you got there, and you’re like “Why am I here?” Sometimes you’re just there, because you’re bored. But when you’re there in front of the open refrigerator it be like, “Okay, I’m in front of the open refrigerator.”
Hopefully it’s your open refrigerator, you’re not at some stranger’s home. You’re like, “Okay, what do I actually want. Is there a craving, am I hungry, am I thirsty? Then for that you’re … You figure out you want your partners attention, or focus. Why? Okay, I’m sensing a need for something, I’m trying to get a need fulfilled or what is that. I don’t know what that is, Is there something I would like right now that comes to mind.
Then walk yourself through that.
Cathy: I love to break it down, I mean a little further. Because it is sometimes hard to notice what I want and I haven’t, I grew up in a family that there wasn’t a lot of practice or role modeling for that. What I do, what I want to know either what I want, so that I can tune to my partner, and see if it was a mutual yes. I take a nice deep breath, and I like to tune into my body. Olivia Fox Cabane from the The Charisma Myth which is beautiful book, great practical tips.
I recommend you tune into your toes, because when you tune into your toes, you pretty much aware of your body. If you turn in tune into your toes and kind of feel how they feel, in the socks, and the air around them, that kind of pulls you back in your body, and then you can notice what you’re feeling in your body. Are you tense, are you tired, are you … You want energy. Just being present with your body, helps you be here now.
Because you’re feeling things that are here, and now and that will actually slow down your mental thoughts. Then you can kind of say, “What would be the next bright step.” It’s okay to slow down right now, it’s okay to be present and calm, what’s the next step for me, what is what … What would help me helped me feel fulfilled and then you can talk to your partner about it and see if there’s a match.
Okay, I’d really love to go to a restaurant. I’m open to Italian, Mexican, or Chinese.
Reid: Much easier for me, to be like, “Well how do I feel about a restaurant? Italian, Mexican. Yeah.” Then, you standing in front of me like I am a refrigerator, and I don’t know what the heck, why are you in front of me?
Cathy: If he’s in a mood for Mexican, that’s really easy for me to tune, Mexican was on my list. It’s in my venn diagram, let’s do that.
Reid: Leave some comments, let us know what is tuning in to yourself and your partner, and into you. How do you slow things down.
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