Is there something wrong if one of you is much more sexual than the other in an open relationship?

With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com and Raj.

Cathy: If you’ve opened up your relationship, is there something wrong if one of you isn’t as sexual as the other? Are you sexually inadequate? I’m Catherine Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. 

Andi: I’m Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com. 

Raj: I’m Raj. I’m just a regular guy. I happen to be married to Andi. 

Cathy: Raj and Andi are in an open relationship. 

Andi: Yes. 

Cathy: This is part of the dynamic, where Andi is much more sexual than Raj. Especially in the sex positive community, there is a lot of community connection and mutual support for being very sexual. How has it been for you in terms of if you’re not as engaged? We’ll talk about it in another video. You’re not as into the scene of play parties. 

Raj: First of all, [inaudible 00:00:43] that as a straight guy, I can often be perceived as having a lot of privilege in the world. Some of the stuff that I’m going to say is just my experience and I don’t intend to be offensive to anyone, especially since a lot of us that’s [inaudible 00:01:00] just people who are very queer and identify in many different ways. I was having brunch with a friend the other day, who is very, very much into the sex positive, kinky, all of that stuff. We were talking about some of these challenges. I was talking about some of my challenges with him as a partner to somebody who is very much in the scene, and I said, “Sometimes it feels like you can’t be friends with somebody in the sex positive community unless you are fucking them.” He was like, “No, that’s true at all.” Then he was like, “Wait, you know what? Let me think about this. Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

Cathy: The thing is you can truly be sex positive even if you’re asexual, you’re not having sex or don’t want to have sex with anybody. 

Raj: Yeah, and that’s a very common … You’re right. That’s a very common misconception that I see that being sex positive often gets conflated with having a very high sex drive, having a very spontaneous sex drive. 

Cathy: They can go together, but you can also be positive about sex and think people can be self-expressed when you’re not sleeping with…   

Raj: [crosstalk 00:02:11] 

Andi: Or anyone. 

Raj: Or anyone or you don’t have a very high sexual desire or need for sex or requirement desire for sex. I think it’s really important to know that. It’s very important for partners who are not that into sex to feel accepted in the community and get the support they need from within the community because, trust me, you don’t get that kind of support outside the community. 

Cathy: No, they won’t understand. 

Raj: Exactly. 

Cathy: You were talking about the shame you felt. Could you talk a little bit? 

Raj: Absolutely. The shame comes from many different ways. When you have a partner who is very, very sexual and you don’t feel that way, there automatically is a feeling of, “Oh, is there something wrong with me? Am I supposed to be this way?” That’s compounded by the fact of being a straight guy. 

Cathy: Where all the society pressure… 

Raj: Yeah, because society really believes … The norms of masculinity say that guys are the one who are supposed to have sex all time. They’re supposed to initiate all the time. When you’re not really that into sex or … I’m definitely not asexual. I want to have a lot of sex, but space it out a little bit. As I tell all my friends this, all people in the sex positive community, “I want to fuck all of you, just one person a week.” 

Cathy: And one at a time. 

Raj: And one at a time. When you don’t … There’s all of these cultural norms about men being the initiators, being highly desiring of sex. We’re all subject to … Even in the sex positive community, we’re highly educated, we can’t really get ourselves out of those norms all the time. It’s important to … That can often lead to feelings of sexual inadequacy. It’s like, “Oh, am I not man enough? Is there something wrong with me sexually?” It is an ongoing process, but I am gradually learning to accept that that is just the way I am. I can’t force that to change. I just need to be comfortable with it and not ashamed about it. It’s not a process that is complete yet, but it’s something I’m working through. 

Cathy: Thank you so much for sharing that. 

Raj: No problem. 

Cathy: I love the vulnerability you both bring to this. Where do you feel inadequate or unsupported? What shame do you have? Sometimes just naming it can help defeat it. 

Andi: Exactly. It shrivels up into something sometimes. 

Cathy: Yeah. If you feel courageous enough, feel free to share below or let us know what questions you have. Thanks. 

Andi: Thanks.

 

More articles on improving your communication and relationship skills:

Want To Let Someone Know You’re In An Open Relationship?

Feeling Guilty Even Though You’ve Opened Your Relationship?