I’m INCEL Because I Only Want to Date Women Who Can Reach My Very High Standards
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, I’m 20 and I’m InCel, Involuntary Celibate because I’m only into girls that I’m attracted to and I can’t see myself with girls I’m not attracted to and goes on to add I have very stellar standards and I don’t want to lower my standards even though it is shallow I can’t help it, I’m a, I have social anxiety and I don’t feel like I’m very attractive so I’m very lonely and I only want to date women that are really like 10’s, what do I do? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ This is a really really good one just letting everybody know, the reason why I’m wearing a tux. My airline this morning lost my other bag so all I had was my tux with me, so you’re getting tux treatment today. Well this is a good one, but first let people know what InCel means.
Cathy: InCel means Involuntary Celibate meaning they’re not finding people that wants to have sex with them that they want to have sex with.
Reid: So, first off, I’m going to say, for people who are in situations where they are really struggling and again we’ll assume that this is a struggling situation right, we’re not hearing necessarily the emotion although it’s a very serious email, when you feel like there is no choice available in life and you are starting to get resigned, I’m going to say that that is a good clue, dashboard light that you might want to go talk to a professional listener and you you know find a therapist or counselor, somebody you can talk to who’s not you’re friends who probably aren’t trained professionals in listening and holding space and giving advice that might be specified specialized advice and focus, trying to change your life just from watching YouTube videos…
Cathy: It’s a good start but it’s not..
Reid: Well it’s like there it’s more three dimensional right? So get somebody that you can talk to and really start diving deeper. The reason I’m bringing this up, we can’t really know the whole situation or dive super deep or give you the witnessing and the ability to use your voice when we’re just answering their question, right? You use your voice by typing it but very different when working with somebody who’s got years of experience working with people who you know, that’s what I want to say about that, if you are starting to feel resigned, go start building a support team. Therapy is really good, I’m very pro-therapy. Find a good therapist and maybe we can shoot a video on that or YouTube how to find a good therapist, there’s probably some amazing advice, get lots of advice find what works for you. That being said, do you want to take a swipe at this first?
Cathy: Well, yeah. I do. I think that a lot of times what happens is our society’s so looks-focused we actually get brainwashed and we see status as equal to very conventionally pretty or beautiful looks. We are taught over and over again by TV, by media, magazines that someone looks a certain way is more valuable than someone who doesn’t look like the model in the front cover of the magazine and that’s reinforced by everything we see in media, there’s very rarely people that are less conventionally pretty shown as having status or being valuable, funny or attractive, so we associate it with that then we also, social anxiety could partly come from feeling insecure and feeling that we don’t have status or value to people so if we’re into that story that unless I look like the cover of Vogue or Cosmopolitan, and by the way those models don’t actually look like that, they are very often very heavily photoshopped to look like the way they look like on the covers of those magazines.
Reid: Yeah, you just Google like “airbrushed magazine covers” and there might be some fake ones but there will also be some before and afters just so you start to realize that what you’re seeing in the magazine covers is often not real or not a 100% free range organic photograph
Cathy: Yeah. There’s huge parts of our brain that are associated with status and wanting to be valuable and have someone who’s valuable in our lives because we feel like it raises us up and it makes us safer in our tribe and when we are caught up in that story, if we feel like we are low value and people would not see us as valuable, we naturally want to have someone who is high value as a partner because that makes us feel like we’re not going to be two low value people walking around, so there’s a huge stigma around that and that’s all media because it helps us them sell us stuff if you feel low value, if we feel like we’re not matching up we’re much more likely to buy whatever it will that will make us smell lesser and be more glamorous.
Reid: Happy people only but toilet paper, basically.
Cathy: And chocolate.
Reid: Well yeah, that makes us smart.
Cathy: Yeah, so if you can start looking at different ways to value people, notice kindness, intelligence, thoughtfulness and different experiences and also start noticing some things about you. Social anxiety gets much worse if we’re like, oh my god, I’m the ugliest person in this room. No one’s going to want to talk to me, and those are all things I thought on my head and it does, it makes it harder to connect and I start feeling like people don’t want to connect with me because I’m not conventionally pretty and it’s *inaudible* and there are certainly people who don’t want to connect with me or even talk with me because I’m not conventionally pretty but I found that 90% of people in the room are looking for some kind of connection anyway because most people are lonely and if I can let go of that negative self-talk and just be present with people and actually share who I am, people get pass the you know, oh she’s a bigger person, she’s not really conventionally pretty, they start getting to know me and I start building relationship, maybe not quite as quickly as some very conventionally pretty, there are certain advantages to that and there are certain disadvantages but if you can start getting past that, retraining your brain, it’s not about lowering your standards, it’s about having additional standards to compare things to.
Reid: Yeah, you might want to look at having more things to be measuring as far as standards and making sure you haven’t collapsed standards and status stuff and also acknowledging some people are attracted like physically or erotically attracted to certain things, right? You know, there are people who are erotically attracted to people of size and then there are people that are erotically attracted to 6 foot 2 supermodels, the problem with any of those things is like, love that you have erotic attraction to things but realize there’s more to life and living and having healthy relationships and healthy community and friends than just trying to stock it with one crayon. Right? You know like if you you you love celery and you’re fridge is only filled with celery and all you eat is only celery, like I’m glad you’re enjoying the celery but when can you start looking at having your life more diverse and looking at people as opportunities for more diverse experience doesn’t mean you have to date everybody, it doesn’t mean that you have to somehow there’s something wrong with your erotic desire and turn on for 6 foot supermodels but like start questioning where those beliefs came from and where things might be collapsed on each other that actually aren’t serving you and you know going back to incel, you know I that’s not something I struggle with so I’m also, I just want to take responsibility, you know you are getting advice incel-ness and insecurity from a dude who wearing a tux on a YouTube channel, so you know, I don’t want my advice to feel flippant and make you those of you listening feel like you’re invisible. You’re not and I hope that some of what we shared today is useful for you so, if you want to share, share in the comments what was useful to you, what was a take away and then if the comments feel too public, please email us and let us know further questions.
Cathy: You can message through YouTube or email us directly. And I, I also like to, you talking about eroticism which I think is really important, we all have our own, own individual sexual self-expression, different things we find erotic and then there’s also the overlay of what society says we think should be erotic and that we should not be attracted to anyone that has more than a few ounces of body fat on them, and we’re taught that over and over again. What society says maybe different from what you actually desire and and maybe different not just body size, but body type, or intelligence, or whatever so I think it’s really important if you can distinguish the difference between what society says and what’s true for you.
Reid: So question those things and where the origins of them are and then, let me know how it goes. Play detective, on yourself and no need to wear tux to do that. But hey!
Cathy: Yes. If you want.
Reid: Or if that’s all you got to wear.