There is give and take in every relationship.

Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com interviews Betty Martin from http://www.BettyMartin.org about Allowing.

Cathy: Hi, everyone. I’m Cathy Vartuli from www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. You’re with Betty Martin from www.BettyMartin.org. We’re going to be talking about ‘allowing’ now. Betty, why is that important? Why do we need to talk about this?

Betty: Because it is so fun. That’s why.

Cathy: (Laughing). I love talking about fun things.

Betty: (Laughing). This is in the context we talked about giving, in which I’m touching you for you. We’ve talked about taking, in which I’m touching you for me, the way I want to. We’ve talked about receiving, which is you’re touching me the way I want, like giving you a massage or something and I’m receiving that. Now we’re talking about allowing. If you are … have asked to touch me in a way that you want, say you said, “Betty, can I play with your hair? Betty, can I feel you up? Betty, can I hold you this way? Betty, can I bite your ear?” Then, I have a choice. I can say, “Yes.” I can say, “No.” I can say, “Yes,” and set a limit, which is actually what you need to do. The act of allowing is a gift to you, like saying, “Here’s my body. It’s your playground.”

Cathy: That’s really sexy when you say it that way. It’s like, “Oh, wow.”

Betty: (Laughs). Yes, it’s very fun. Then what I need to remember as the … if I’m in the allowing role is that I get to choose what my limits are. In fact, I have to choose what my limits are or I cannot relax. It won’t be any fun for me. If I say …

Cathy: If you said yes to biting ears. If you’re going to bite them off, I’m not going to. (Laughs)

Betty: Or somebody is often have … get that better off. I’m totally knocked up. The thing that’s important for me is I’m going to be the allowing person. I have to choose what my limits are. What am I happy to give you of me and what am I not willing to give you? When I am clear about that, this is true of giving any kind of gift, when I’m clear about that then I can relax. I become very generous because I’m not worried about you sneaking over into some territory that I don’t want or if I say …

Cathy: better to the person receiving it when it’s a willing gift, when everybody’s aligned with it.

Betty: Absolutely. If you say, “Betty, can I feel you up.” Then I say, “Yes, anywhere except my butt.” Or, “Yes, you can feel up this arm, but not this arm.” Or, “Yes, from the waist up, help yourself.”

Cathy: (Laughs).

Betty: Then I don’t have to worry about, “Oh, gosh, is she going to go this place?” Or, “Gosh, is she going to go that place?” Then I’m tensed. I’m like, “I got my little guardians up with their spears on the perimeter.” If I have already told you what I’m not willing to give and assuming that you are abiding by that, then I can relax. Then it’s a lot of fun.

Cathy: Like you said, a playground.

Betty: It’s a playground. When I’m in the allowing mode, how I would prefer you to touch me doesn’t … is not really applicable here. What I’m willing to give you, and I give you is very applicable and very important.

Cathy: It’s a great distinction. It wouldn’t be relaxing just to say you can do whatever you want, and not know what they’re going to do.

Betty: Yes. Then you have this don’t-know-what-our-limits-are sometimes until we hit them.

Cathy: Yes, that’s true.

Betty: I’ve had many people come into my studio and say, “Well, I don’t have any limits I think.” “Oh, yeah?”

Cathy: (Laughing) 

Betty: Well let me get off the knives and chains and see if we have limits. No, no, no don’t do that. We’ll you do have limits don’t you. Yes you do. We just have to hit in the axe that’s why you think you don’t have any but we can hit them I know how to hit them. So part of that is just having some experiences with you and your [inaudible 00:04:40]. Somebody you may know already and that change by the date, change by the hour. That’s perfect. 

Cathy: Depending on how arouse they are and the more they touch it changes yah.. 

Betty: Yup! Absolutely, absolutely 

Cathy: So someone has trouble allowing it besides setting clear boundaries. Are there other ways to help them, help people because like I know when I first started being sexually again because of all my past experiences with abused it was very hard for me to allow. It’s much easier for me to be an active doer than just receive something 

Betty: Yeah, so that’s a great question because all of us as children has been touch in ways that we didn’t… 

Cathy: Okay, we’re back. 

Betty: You have some editing to do. 

Cathy: Yeah, keep me out of trouble. 

Betty: Yeah, that’s a great question because all of us as children has been touch in ways that we didn’t want without exceptions. Even on a depth of circumstances. So for those people who has been abused it’s even more self. It’s the same dynamic it’s just more of it. So it’s easy to have the tendency to just go along to whatever is done to you and you just you know what’s going to happen. 

Cathy: Yeah 

Betty: So how do you work around that? How do you start again to learn to enjoy it? And the key is that you have to have experiences that make it clear to you that you get to choose what happens to you and you can’t do it by thinking about it. You have to do it by experiencing it. You have to know it all the way in to your bone that you have a choice about what happens to you.   

Cathy: Yes, so much traumatic I didn’t talk therapy for years. My body was still afraid. 

Betty: Absolutely, absolutely, your body needs to find out you that “Oh I do have a choice in here.” And the main way to do that is to… if you’re playing with your partner or you’re working with somebody like your fellow or your supporting each other and running each other for example. I would say “Okay here I’m your toy how would you like to touch me” and you’d say “I’d like to bla bla bla” and pause for a minute huh! Is that a gift that I can give with a full heart?

Cathy: Oh, that’s beautiful 

Betty: And hmm… and that’s a no or might say a little yes you can but only up to here or yes you can but only put my shirt on. And people who are really struggling with it you need to have even more control so you need to be able to say something like this on you may touch me right here on this finger for 30 seconds and then have them stop. You may touch me on this 2 fingers for 30 seconds and then have them stop. And then come back the another day so you are absolutely in control of what happens to you. 

Cathy: Yah! 

Betty: We could talk for days. 

Cathy: I think that’s a great place for people to start 

Betty: I think that’s a place to start. The way you find out that you have a choice of what had happened to you is that you must slow down. It’s very, very difficult when you have heat of passion when you suddenly realized you’ve crossed the limit and you don’t know what to do. You just can’t talk at that point. 

Cathy: yah! 

Betty: That’s why it’s really, really helpful to play this not in a bedroom and with your clothes on. 

Cathy: Yes that makes so much sense. If you don’t have choice and you don’t feel like you’re in control you can’t allow. You’re not allow your being slipped away. Thank you so much Betty I really appreciate you’re sharing.

Please leave comments below. Let us know what you think. What did this bring up for you and have you tried it? Thank you very much.

 

More articles on improving your communication and relationship skills:

Playing with Touch and Intimacy: with Betty Martin

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