When do you label a person as undateable?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Is there anyone undateable? This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vatuli from the http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: And BBC did a documentary called the Undateables, people that no ones dating and the person wrote in just find that people were just too older, too ugly for anyone to ever want to date. That bothered me so we’ll talk about it.
Reid: Okay. What was bothering about it to you?
Cathy: Well, I don’t like defining anyone that way. Undateable means just like end of story
Reid: inaudible [00:00:30]
Cathy: They have some good stuff.
Reid: Doctor. Right, back on track.
Cathy: Sorry. Doctor scares me. I can’t watch it.
Reid: It scared for a lot of reason and is awesome for those who like it.
Cathy: Yes. So, defining someone as undateable is like ‘this is what you are, this will never change’ and I do really believe that people can recover and be amazing no matter what they are. A good friend who is working with a gentleman who was burnt in a fire and he is like 80% of his body was badly scarred and he’s on a wheelchair but he is very dynamic person. He had to get through like all the shame, all the stuff he had but he had like everyone will consider conventionally pretty girlfriends with him. Every time she met him, he will have a different girlfriend. She’s like, what’s going on? People just seem to like me. He have gotten pass his shame and his fears that held him back and he is just an awesome person. People were like, yes, I want to date you. So, I think defining anyone as being too old or too fat or too ugly which is a very subjective term and say they’re undateable just feels very wrong and very bad to me.
Reid: And it’s kind of human traits that human beings tend to do that kind of thing or raised in cultures where they tend to do that kind of thing. And then that kind of groove that thinking over lifetime and surround yourself with people and other culture that says do this do that. It would be hard if you don’t geek out and it would be hard for you to notice that cultures are having its way with you.
Cathy: Yeah. One way to look at the culture, I love just doing this. I flip on the TV and go a popular sitcom and I’ll just put it in a silent in a few minutes and watch it. And you’ll see that anyone who is slender and young is having the good time, things are generally having a good time and things are going pretty well for them. They are perceived as funny, powerful, whatever. If you have someone who is larger or older, or someone who doesn’t look conventionally pretty on the shell, they are cranky or bad things happen. They portray them badly. Without the sound, you can just see, for me, it makes them really standout like how much they stereotype that. The problem is, we are seeing that over and over again and kind of engraves it. Most ads have these, too. Brene Brown just reported that the average person since 2-3 years of advertising in their lifetime, which is basically brainwashing. So when you’re shown over and over again that someone has to look size 2, blond hair, blue eyes, certain height to be dateable, then that’s all you’re going to look for. And we’re kind of pushing all, like M&Ms you have all these colors but most people are like reds are to this, browns are to this, like we’re pushing the colors away. We’re just left with greens like maybe I’m not a green how can I get a green? Then there’s not enough people to date. Maybe it’s a [inaudible 00:03:54] I’ll do but..
Reid: There’s 2 for you? Ohhhhh! We’re back to the 2 game. That’s 2 oh oh. Yeah, alright. We already have a video talking about self-expression versus attraction and my geeking out doing the math as somewhat conventionally good looking people tell me, extroverted geeky guy who was highly insecure and uber self-aware about that insecurity, my advice even though I prefer saying people think I look handsome and your [inaudible 00:04:32] and your opinion may vary. I think what I would do, my advice is do the things that make you happy because you being yourself and being happier which means you need the emotional tools to work through all the shame and unhappiness that will often continue coming back for you. Once you get the hang of that those waves of shame or waves of I don’t deserve this are just normal because I still go through them and you have the tools to continue feeling that stuff as you move forward and be yourself. You being yourself is what I think the best use of your time and energy because you get to go be to you that’s making you happy and then when you’re happy and you’re doing the things that make you happy, you tend to run to people who also enjoyed doing those things, who enjoyed that you’re so happy. Doesn’t mean that you it’s easy but life often isn’t easy and as much as we feel like you know, the world that owes us something. I think that is probably as wrestling as with some unfinished younger kids stuff. For ourselves, maybe some parental things so I also recommend go find a good therapist and professional listener to do some talking too because your friends and your family probably aren’t super adept at the fact that culture is having its way with them.
Cathy: Most people are like fish in a fish bowl. You don’t know that you’re in water because you’re always there.
Reid: But the view’s pretty. So, if you’re staying in a fish bowl, don’t be cool. Don’t jump out of the fish bowl. And if there’s a sheet paw coming in, trying to pat you, watch out. Stay in the bowl. Hit subscribe.