If you’re in the same social circle and keep running into an ex-friend… How do you not get pulled in again?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and http://SexGeekSummerCamp.com.
Cathy: All right. Someone wrote in and said that they watched our video about talking about conflict.
Reid: We love when you write in!
Reid: Keep writing in.
Cathy: She said it actually went really well. She had a friend, they’ve “broken up,” had a fight.
Reid: Our advice was helpful.
Cathy: Yes. She used our discussion about difficult conversations to … I was just trying to make sure we’re even. The conversation actually went really well. They “broke up” but it’s surprisingly normal and easy.
Reid: They broke up as friends.
Cathy: They see each other in social projects. Because there hasn’t been all this animosity, because they had the difficult conversation and they talked about the difficult things, they’re actually cordial when they see each other.
Cathy: This person’s saying, “When I see them it’s really felt weird for me. I’m hard to give up on her as a friend because things are so easy.” She thinks … Part of her is like, “If it’s uneasy why can’t we friends even though we broke up?” This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: What are your thoughts?
Reid: The main thing is, just because things are going well, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be friends. It takes 2 to Tango. You might want to dance with your partner, with your friend, but if they don’t want to dance with you ..
Cathy: But he can. If you have a habit of being friends, and you have a lot of history, things are relatively easy. It’s natural to feel like …
Reid: What I would do is remember why you broke up in the 1st place. Use those feelings of longing, like “Longing,” in a good way like, “Oh, this is so easy. Why can’t we?” Use that to really anchor and appreciate in a really healthy nostalgic way? How awesome your ex-friend is and who they are as a person.
Cathy: I also … I don’t want to interrupt you.
Reid: I would go back to remember why you broke up in the 1st place. There was a reason you had the break up conversation. Just because it went well, and you’re both decent human beings out in your social sphere, and it’s easy, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to get back together as friends.
Cathy: Right. There’s another possibility, it’s that deconstructing what the friendship meant to you. For example, I had a boyfriend, we broke up. We kind of cleaned things up and after a while we’d see each other and it was still really easy. It wasn’t a yes for us to be in a relationship anymore, like romantic relationship, but there were things that were valuable. It might be that maybe she’s not the friend that you’re going to tell every single story to but maybe there’s room for movie buddies, or coffee. My boyfriend and I became good friends, we’d talk to each other and turn to each other. We had all that continued history that we could lean on for that. It wasn’t right for us to be that kind of …
Reid: Being different kinds of friends. This is also really interesting is, if you’ve only ever had break ups with friends, or even with romantic partners go horribly, welcome to having a good break up.
Reid: Because it went well isn’t necessarily a signal you’re destined to be back together as kinds of friends or the romantic relationship that you had. I would say you put more crayons in your friends crayon box about what, and how. What a blessing to live a life where you’re surrounded by people that you care about and you don’t have to banish each other from your social setting. Yeah I would go with the crayons, more crayons in the friend crayon box.
Cathy: If maybe you look at what aspects of it. If, say you were best buddies holding to each other’s front pocket, that may not work. You could still like, “Hey. Let’s get together for the movies,” maybe once a week.
Reid: I would look at what did you get, what needs were you getting met with that particular friend crayon? Your longing might be that you haven’t had a “replace” where you get those needs met from and you’re kind of “starving.” You have a craving and because things are going well, it’s like why can’t we do that together? Look at that too and see if you can get those needs met from other friends. Maybe you need a replacement crayon. Which sounds … Maybe that’s not the right way of saying that. You know what I mean.
Cathy: We hope this helped. We really appreciate you writing in. We’re so glad the video we sent out helped you with that.
Reid: Awesome. Way to go. You’re awesome. Everyone who leaves a comment’s awesome. Even the haters. You’re awesome too.
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