What should you do if your friend won’t go directly to you to talk about issues and won’t let you know what he wants and instead, he gets passive aggressive?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: What if you have a friend that you really care about who sometimes gets a little passive aggressive.
Cathy: And not so suddenly pulls you down.
Reid: Way to go. Smarty pants, great question.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: And it can be hard especially when you are close to someone. Is it teasing? Are they pulling you down? What would you say to someone who is-?
Reid: If people are passive aggressive it’s because they’re not taking care of themselves so ask them where they’ve stepped over their boundaries they’re not speaking off. That’s usually where their passive aggressiveness comes from. That is a very reductive statement not a psychologist neither do I play on the internet. However, it has been my personal experience when I get passive aggressive is because I cross the boundary of mine usually with good intentions but then I am making everybody else pay for it. So you can call friends out like are you serious or are you just teasing? Is this for all fun? Or are you upset about something that we need to talk about this? Then you gently remind each other that you need to say no to take care of yourself ‘cause you’re way more fun to be around when you do that. I say that in a passive aggressive way.
Cathy: I tend to hang out with people who are kind of goofy and teasing a lot. Sometimes I doubt myself like is this being insensitive or whatever? But to share my truth.. can I role model with you?
Cathy: So, Reid do you have a minute to talk?
Reid: Yes. It’s going to be passive aggressive.
Cathy: I have something I would like to ask but I’m kind of afraid if I ask or talk you about it, you’ll think I’m kind of goofing or too sensitive. What I really would like to happen is to talk about what is bothering me, thinking we can clear things up and have a good connection.
Cathy: What I’ve noticed is that some of your comments lately make me feel kind of bother about myself. I’m not sure if you are joking or am I taking them wrong. I wonder if we can talk about what’s going on. If you’re feeling resentful towards me or kind of jamming or am your jokes are just landing wrong to me.
Cathy: And I would like to figure it out either way. I’d like to fix it so I don’t feel left and a little bit feel bad about myself because I really like hanging out with you.
Reid: Cool. Let’s do that. Get it? She’s using the difficult conversation formula.
Cathy: It’s a good formula. It really works.
Reid: You’ll share what you are afraid of, what you would like to happen and the thing you need to talk them about.
Cathy: I really love having a safe word too. So if you’ve noticed happening like it seems Reid and I are having conversation and I’m like hey can I use a safe word when I notice like we’re seems to be going down that path where you seem to be going passive aggressive. It will stop the conversation and check in. You can pick whatever you want.
Reid: Pick a happy safe word. Don’t pick a passive aggressive safe word.
Cathy: Like asshole.
Reid: That would be funny.
Cathy: It’ll allows you to check in the moment cause sometimes people don’t realize. It could be subconscious, they could be just goofy enough and you’re fine with it. Cleaning this up before it starts to become a big problem will make relationships so much stronger and healthier. It helps you practice taking care of yourself.
Reid: Also, show them this video in a non passive, aggressive way.
Cathy: How do you do that in non-passive aggressive way?
Reid: I don’t know. Use that formula. Leave a comment. What do you think? Bye.