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Playing with Touch and Intimacy: with Betty Martin

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There is give and take in every relationship.

Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com interviews Betty Martin from http://www.BettyMartin.org about playing with touch and intimacy.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from www.TheIntimacyDojo.com here with Betty Martin from www.BettyMartin.org. She’s going to share the three-minute game with us. Hey, Betty.

Betty: Hey! (Laugh). My favorite topic.

Cathy: Is it?

Betty: Yes. Pretty much. I’m writing a book on it. We’ve been talking with you here, Cathy, about receiving touch and giving touch and the difference between giving and doing, and the difference between receiving and being done to. We’ve talked about touching for your pleasure, and touching for my pleasure. We will continue in a moment.

Cathy: (Laughs).

Betty: You got to have some editing to do.

Cathy: Yes. I’ll paste them all together. We’re back live.

Betty: We’ve been talking about touching you for your pleasure, touching you for my pleasure. We’ve talked about you touching me for my pleasure; you touching me for your pleasure. All those things. The question that Cathy had was, “Okay, so how do you learn. How do you play with it? What do you do with it? How do you dance with it when you’re in that sensual situation?

Cathy: Leading and following.

Betty: Yes, what? The answer to do that is really simple. This is actually how I learned all of this. I didn’t start out looking for the mysteries of, four different ways to touch. I just learned these two questions that I’m going to give you in a moment. I learned them at a workshop and you were part of the rest of the workshop. Then I took them home and try to play with them with my students and my clients. Then I discovered that there was a lot more to it, and that’s where it all came from. This is taught to me as a three-minute game, and you’ll see why. It consists of two questions. You take turns asking each other those two questions. It’s really simple.

One question is, how would you like me to touch you for three minutes right now? Then you get to answer. You say, “Oh, gee, gosh, I don’t know what you like to blah-blah-blah.” I’d say, “Sure, I’d be happy to do that.” Or I’d say, “Wow, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. How about … will this work or …” There may be a little negotiation, that’s fine. Then we go ahead and do that. You use a clock. Three minutes are up. Then you ask me the same questions. Cathy, go ahead.

Cathy: How would you like me to touch you for the next three minutes?

Betty: Oh, let’s see. Gosh, right now. Oh, I would love you to scratch my head. Would you do that?

Cathy: Oh, absolutely.

Betty: Then we’ll have three minutes of heaven. Then I say, “Thank you.” You say, “You’re welcome.” That’s the first question. It’s simple, obviously. The next question is the one for many people is a little odd and a little tricky, but it’s actually also extremely simple. That is, how would you like to touch me for three minutes?

Cathy: That’s interesting because most people would never think of … I would never think of asking anyone that.

Betty: Exactly. Really, I’m offering you my body here. Cathy, how would you like to touch me for the next three minutes?

Cathy: I’d like to stroke your hair.

Betty: Now I’m going to take a moment. Is that something that I can give with a full heart? You bet, and say, “Would you like me to put my head on your lap or would you sit this way or how would you like that?

Cathy: That’s so much fun. I love that.

Betty: Then we go ahead and do that. In this, what we’ve just set up here, you are in the taking role because it’s for you. You’re taking your pleasure with mine here. I am in the allowing role. I’m giving you myself, my body within the limits of what we’ve agreed on. I can trust you to stay within those limits that I have set. I may say, “Yes, you can play with my hair, but don’t touch my left ear because I have a cut back there, and I expect you to stay within those limits.” Then, you’ll say, “Thank you.” Then I’ll say, “You’re welcome.”

Cathy: How would you like to touch my body in 3 minutes?

Betty: How would you like to touch me in 3 minutes?

Cathy: 3 minutes. Okay

Betty: Let see, I’m looking that nice soft spot there on a side of your neck can I feel that?

Cathy: So I’d say “Is that something that I can give with an open heart or full heart?”

Betty: Cool. That we can’t reach through the video.

Betty: So those are the 2 questions. They are first question: How do you want me to touch you for three minutes?

Cathy: This are so powerful because even the first question most people don’t ask that we’re supposed to know.

Betty: That’s right. The second question is how do you want to touch me in 3 minutes? Both of those questions I’m making an offer. The first question I’m offering, “Here’s my hand what do you want them to do for you?” And the second question I’m offering, “Here’s my body how do you want play with it?”

Cathy: Nice!

Betty: And when you take turn asking both of those question what you find out Is that you have four different interaction. And each of those interaction you have different role different dynamics to play and so that’s where all the other four quadrant. Just playing that for a couple of hundred people actually in my classes.

Cathy: Yeah

Betty: I’ve been doing that few hundred times but begin to notice how things we’re working. So with that little game. What I recommend is the best way to start is to start with 3 minutes. Starts with your clothes on and try outside the bedroom. Let’s start with body parts not particularly sexy and you will off course want to expand the time as you get comfortable in 10 minutes , 20 minutes, an hour whatever as you like.

Cathy: Yeah

Betty: And you don’t have to do them all in the same day we might do… we might take for days, doesn’t matter. But as long as both of you are trusting you get there.

Cathy: How exciting, I love it, I can’t wait for your book to come out so that we can…

Betty: Thank you, Thank you. You will be sure to know I can tell you that. 

Cathy: Yah thank you. Is there anything else you want to add about this before we wrapped up? 

Betty: Yeah, one thing is that, I used this a lot in my practicing coaching people. People who are working through things around their sexuality, couple who want a little kind of help. There’s something interesting that happened when you give people something that they like used to play with. Many people will take it as an exercise. Which means, “Oh my gosh! We have to do our exercises today.” 

Cathy: Of course 

Betty: If we want to get to that goal over there we have to do this hard thing and I’ve never quite… now I do understand the reluctant to do exercising but I don’t quite understand the difficulty with this because well I do actually. I’m on [inaudible 00:08:33] for a moment. Don’t take it as an exercise, it’s a game. 

Cathy: Yeah! 

Betty: If you have 5 minutes everyday to touch however you want and you just ask for like what could be better. Why is that difficult? 

Cathy: Yeah! 

Betty: And if I have 5 minutes today where I can get to feel you up.  “Are you kidding? You know why would I want to do that?” But there’s a reason actually in all fairness. It is not easy to ask what you want it’s vulnerable to receive a gift that’s for you. It’s kind of new territory to be direct, verbal communicate. 

Cathy: It is awkward at first.

Betty: Its tender hearted there’ll be many times you know myself and many other people you know I ask permission to stroke your face and explore your face and suddenly you know my tears filling my eyes touches my heart. Not everyone wants to have that kind of tenderness or feeling or for my shame might come up. I just ask to fill you up and having a grand time all of a sudden bang! I’m embarrassed I’m ashamed, I felt my [inaudible 00:09:58] is terrible. Why Am I doing this? All that you’re going to hit your [inaudible 00:10:05]. And that’s only fair to tell you that. 

Cathy: Yeah! 

Betty: And that’s why you start very slow, very easy, 3 minutes clothes on because you get comfortable with the dynamic of asking of what you want. 

Cathy: As you start sharing this stuff out… 

Betty: And then later it heats up you’ll be more confident 

Cathy: Yeah! Oh that’s beautiful. Thank you so much Betty I really appreciate you’re sharing. 

Betty: You are so welcome. 

Cathy: Please leave comments below. Let us know what you think or if you have any questions for Betty maybe we can invite her to come back and share for more. Thank you so much!

 

More articles on improving your communication and relationship skills:

What Is Intimacy?

Authenticity and Intimacy

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