When do you make amends and when is okay to let things go?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Restitution should you do it and is it good? Start, if you don’t like the I way, start. Don’t you laugh?
Reid: I just want to say, I love people stay and watching videos.
Cathy: They‘re already tolerating you so much.
Reid: In this video, Cathy from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and I Ried Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com we will fight to the death over restitution. Tell them.
Cathy: Tell them, yes. So, there are if you haven’t read the five languages of apology or saying I’m sorry or sorry isn’t enough something like that.
Reid: By Gary Chapman.
Cathy: Gary Chapman, great book. There are different ways to say you’re sorry. I am someone if it’s a bigger thing, I like restitution. If someone lets me down and Reid is not a restitution person.
Reid: Actually, that’s is one of my languages of my apology. I just have more enlighten view of restitution. So here’s the situation, how do you clean up the situation where restitution is not possible? That is really the question, it’s not that restitution is bad but there are situations where people promised things, can’t deliver and they mispromised. Like, and it’s not and Cathy believes that I absorbed people with responsibility. I’m actually looking at what is possible.
Cathy: So it may not be possible for them to do the exact things they promised.
Reid: They can’t do the thing they were wrong.
Cathy: Right. But it doesn’t mean that they can’t make up in another way. So, if I promised I’ll take my friend in to a Maroon 5 concert and I can’t get tickets, I try everything I can, I tried to scout.
Reid: They were wrong. They can never regain your trust coz they promised, they committed to the Maroon concert tickets.
Cathy: But it doesn’t mean… I can’t.
Reid: The band hasn’t broken up, let’s go, get those tickets.
Cathy: Right. Would you like to finish what I’m saying or…
Reid: I’m waiting for my tickets. Till, I’m not interested to what you say until I get my tickets. Do you have the tickets? I love Maroon 5.
Cathy: Do you? It might be that they’re not coming back to the city anytime soon so you can’t get tickets to it. But there might be other ways to make it up maybe they loved different band even more and you could say “no promises hold on okay I have tickets we’re gonna go see Chicago”.
Reid: You promise Maroon 5, that’s what you promised. You got my hopes up.
Cathy: So for me, if someone says restitution, I want what they promised or something better.
Reid: But there’s nothing better than Maroon 5 that’s what you don’t understand Cathy and you promised me Maroon 5. What’s better than Maroon 5?
Cathy: Ahh… Chicago!
Reid: No. So, you don’t understand music?
Cathy: Probably not. I don’t claim to be a musician. So is there a band you already experienced?
Reid: No, Maroon 5. You know how important Maroon 5 is to me. Why don’t you understand this? How could you let me down? There is nothing more important to me, I need Maroon 5 for this friendship to work. You promised Maroon 5, you committed to Maroon 5, so.
Cathy: Yeah, I failed.
Reid: Yeah, no. It’s not that you failed, you have not succeeded yet.
Cathy: By the way, I did not actually promised you tickets to Maroon 5 just so you don’t care and it’s over. Everybody’s like, how could you let him down?
Reid: I know. It’s not that you failed, you have not fulfilled yet on your commitment. We’re role playing, by the way. You’ve made a commitment, fulfill it.
Cathy: So, if it was something more than I could potentially get tickets next time they come around on tour, it might be that someone promised to do something in a day like were gonna have this fun day of…
Reid: You promised me Maroon 5 as a reward for these things that I did for you and now Maroon 5, please.
Cathy: But we’re saying, there’s no way to get Maroon 5 ticket.
Reid: Not my problem. You…
Cathy: The band broke up and they didn’t break up.
Reid: Not my problem, I did my work.
Cathy: That way, they can never be absolved to that but you might do restitution in a different way.
Reid: Nothing better than Maroon 5.
Cathy: Actually there are things that might be better than Maroon 5.
Reid: I don’t. Tell me.
Cathy: Are you willing to consider things?
Reid: I’ll consider but if you cannot come up something better than Maroon 5 and I can’t come up something better than Maroon 5, the dynamics is fucked. And that you may be working your ass off to come up in something better and show up or something to restore what I would have been able in good faith to feel level the plain field even if I did this other thing and you were rewarding me with Maroon 5.
Cathy: What about trip to Paris with Hugh Jackman?
Reid: I don’t think so.
Cathy: And he should be shirtless most of the time.
Reid: So here’s the deal. If you can’t deliver that.
Cathy: I’m trying to be funny.
Reid: I know, so we’re being funny with something a lot of people serious, serious stuff. Right? Because if you try to do that and then you can’t pull that off I can never trust you now.
Cathy: Right. He’s like, I’m willing to be shirtless one day.
Reid: I can’t trust you. So what do you do? Now you’re untrustworthy and you cannot restore.
Cathy: I’m thinking most cases. There are things, like the, it may have been passed. So the chance to restore things may…
Reid: I want to have somebody who’s gonna do stuff that have a deadline, the deadline passed, I had to do it myself and again that’s okay that happens. But I ended up holding a grudge because this was the beginning with me looking into the languages of apology. This is how I start getting into this because I realized there’s no way for me to forgive them because the window for them to fulfill passed the window that was taken away. There was no way for them to restore, the thing that I was counting on them for and so then they were fucked and I have to figured out well why can’t I forgive them? Then it lead to this. This is gonna be a longer video no matter what folks so make a cup of tea were going forward.
Cathy: I do thinks there are times that person let you down, the window just passed, they can’t do restitution on that there are something else they could do like, there might be something else they could do to restore your trust with them. It doesn’t have to be always the Maroon 5 tickets, there might be that “I’m so sorry I let you down I know you really wanted to go to the Big Sur. I’m gonna get a really nice, look I’m online I’m reserving a really nice cabin on the woods for a long weekend and were going to do these things without making…”
Reid: Well, so how would you handle the fact if I’m like I put on the work, I build up all my expectations around Maroon 5. I see what you’re doing but it doesn’t fix it. And the Hugh Jackman thing, that I appreciate you trying that he only wore his shirt off once.
Cathy: It would be half the weekend.
Reid: I can’t trust you now. Like, you failed me twice.
Cathy: Would he cuddle shirtless with you?
Reid: It’s done. He’s not gonna go to Paris with me again, we’re done. So now, like for me the challenges, like now is an issue of dissatisfaction and that’s assuming we could go come up with a scenario better than Maroon 5. How do you handle dissatisfaction? When you can’t restore the things that they us disappointment in.
Cathy: To me, there is a distinction, I said I was gonna do this, I did my best I failed I’m really sorry. Or I agreed to pay you so much in your activities or money. We had an exchange I’m gonna do A, I was gonna do B, B got done, A did not happen. There still something owed there. So we have to figure out what is equal or greater value that I feel satisfied.
Reid: What if the thing that owed, there is nothing that can be of greater value for that person?
Cathy: Well, I think for myself anyway, it would be if they gave me as much as they could. So if someone owes me a thousand dollars and then I do not have a thousand dollars, I will never have a thousand dollars, Maroon 5 has broken up there’s no ways to get tickets, give me 900 dollars of your 900 dollars or get me tickets to this spin off bands so to speak. Oh no, inseparable nothings gets Maroon 5.
Reid: I’m just nothing if Maroon 5 is watching this video.
Cathy: Or Hugh, Hi Hugh! I think it may not be the equivalent. You may want to try giving me a grader, you want to restore as much as you can and…
Reid: And if it’s still doesn’t satisfy the person?
Cathy: Lies sometimes happens and it doesn’t mean, they’re not gonna be resent for an anger.
Reid: So they keep saying not good enough, I put it all these stuff and that I appreciate you showing and trying to that but it doesn’t meet it. How do you handle it?
Cathy: I think again, I’m someone who ties to pay some stuff back.
Reid: I get that but I’m not satisfied. How do you handle somebody’s dissatisfaction when they’re claiming restitution?
Cathy: If I really haven’t trying to show up and hear them coz if I really can’t ever get Maroon 5 tickets and that’s really sad.
Reid: And what if they’re like, but you, how dare you promise me Maroon 5 tickets, you promised me Maroon 5 tickets and you shouldn’t made that promises at all.
Cathy: I can acknowledge. I shouldn’t make those promises and I can acknowledge that hurt and their feelings about it and I don’t get to feel absolved, I don’t get complete about it. It something that’s there, it didn’t get done. So if I owe somebody money then I don’t pay them, the money is not paid and the money does not go away. We don’t absolved responsibility for some.
Reid: So basically, you’re letting the person who is not complete the strategy or the tactic is to just let them be incomplete.
Cathy: Doesn’t mean I don’t show up and can’t do what I can do support them but they’re not complete. They didn’t get what they need it.
Reid: So next video, how to handle mispromises. Leave comments. Go! Bye Hugh!