Its important to be able to set boundaries with your partner and say no… How do you do that in a way that leaves them cared about?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: We had people writing in. We discussed how you set boundaries when that’s what you need in your relationship. And what if your partner does or doesn’t want to, like, do date your species and just ask for things, and there’s sweet spot or do you ask for what you want and trust their agreement to that.
Reid: That’s the video where we argued.
Cathy: We argued.
Reid: Yeah. People love that. Like this video if you like it when we argue. I’m Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: So, what’s the question?
Cathy: So, they wanted a part two answer to that question. How can you say no to your partner’s request in a way that leaves both people feeling seen, heard and intimate? I think that’s really good because if you can’t say no then you can’t make agreements that are gonna be ones you can keep, if you just saying yes and then struggling and failing, that’s gonna hurt the relationship. So, being able to say no to your partner in a way that makes them feel cared about and they want to be intimate with them is important.
Reid: So, where I start with this is, how can you feel cared and connected when you receive a no?
Cathy: So, you ask them first.
Reid: Well, because if you can figure that one out, then you have more ability in the situation to feel loved, honored and cherished – that’s a phrase I like. And you can figure out your needs around feeling loved, honored and cherished, or you know, seen and respected when somebody else’s no so you can train your partners and train yourself in how to get your needs met which is just a better strategy in life. Because if you don’t have that self-freed out – and it might take you a while or maybe you’ll never figure it out, if you can figure it out and then share that with your partners and share that with yourself so that you can source your own needs. It’s not being so independent that you don’t need other people but without that, you have so much less control over your life. And I think that’s a better use of resource.
Cathy: Right. Well, I think for me, I would go back to love languages. Two highest ones are words of appreciation and touch. So, if someone said, you know honey, I understand that you’d really like to communicate differently about whether I’m gonna spend the night with my girlfriend or not. I really want to find something that will work, and your request that I stay over there or sleep on the couch doesn’t feel good to me. I’m a no, let’s figure something else out. So like, someone touching you gently, letting me know they care, that would help me feel loved and intimate. Different people have different ways of receiving that and the five love languages are the place to start that.
Reid: Yeah. Okay.
Cathy: So, maybe working that and practice saying no, like, I’ve done this a lot with clients, I’ve also done it with friends. Just declare I’m gonna be a no person for the next couple of hours and practice. And everything they ask you say no to and you can change your mind later. But it lets you practice and get that muscle built up, and realize that neither of you are gonna freak out if you say no. If you’re withholding the little no’s, it’s going to be really hard to be with the bigger no’s that things are important.
Reid: Yeah. The other thing is, this is not true for everyone and I could be wrong. Whatever stuff, imagine as a thought exercise, that no one is ever gonna say yes to you in your relationships, you will get no’s from now till you die. This is a happy exercise by the way. That was pretty funny. What does that bring up for you?
Cathy: So, you just say, honey, will you not sleep with me? And they have to say no.
Reid: You can’t use reverse psychology. Okay? So, don’t be a dick like Cathy. But the…a PhD dick. But when you realize that your loved ones might never be a yes and you can track what that kicks up, odds are it goes back to [Inaudible 00:04:17]. No, that’s just odds.
Cathy: But it could also have needs that aren’t get met now.
Reid: Yeah, but what the emotional stuff that comes up around never getting your needs met – for most people, most, is a childhood thing. Track that and go work on that because it will sometimes affect or raise the stakes in a way that’s actually not real anymore but it’s triggering and unleashing a childhood response that is so powerful, that you are no longer living in the present. And then what end up happening is your partner, your loved one, is now a substitute for mom or dad. And that is not, does not a best relationship make. The reason I can say this is I’ve done that work and know that about me. So, when I know that I’m doing that with my partner, I can be like, oh, you’re not my mom or dad.
Cathy: Yes. But sometimes if you’re living with someone or have a deep relationship, you have needs that you’ve agreed to meet for each other.
Reid: We’re gonna go to the next video on this one, coz’ I know what this is about. So leave your comments about this and then we’re coming back with restitution.
Reid: In relationships.