Sexual Invitation: When Is It Wanted, When Is It Not?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo and Reid Mihalko and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: How do you know when sexual invitation is welcomed and when it would feel intrusive? This Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: And I think we all have times whether we did this or someone else did this were they were kinda hinting it or asking for sexual connection when it wasn’t even in the cards. And I can feel really weird and awkward and I’d like to avoid that if I can help it.
Reid: The weird and awkward?
Cathy: I don’t like to ask people for something that is like, they’re like no. I like to be in tuned and I have people asked me for something that so out left field that it didn’t feel like, it felt very uncomfortable to me.
Cathy: So, I’m curious how can you tell when you’re you and other people are lying about something? And particular around sexual expression?
Reid: Well in my experience is that you can’t tell. So, even when you think you can tell, you may be wrong. There been plenty of times when people are flirting with me and I thought there were making sexual advances and my protocols is to ask for clarity coz I just assumed I’m making a wrong call and I misinterpreting the situation.
Cathy: What if there are people that are not totally not flirting with you and you think that you’re not tuned it to that and then you talk about negotiating sex with them, in a way that implies that you just assumed that they’re aligned for that.
Reid: Well, again my advice in all this stuff is gonna be counter what probably most everything culture telling you to do coz my principles or foundation of believes are that culture shifted enough the “old advice” like he’s not that into you or the rules. Those books aren’t that’s old advice in the same way that you wouldn’t use, you wouldn’t try to fix your computer the same way you would fix the steam engine, if that makes sense. The societal dynamics have shifted and no one is giving you the new manual so it gets weird that’s the purpose for what am about to say. When in doubt and even when not in doubt ask, be explicit and be like “hey, I would like to move this in the sexual place, is that okay with you? Yes or no? Would you like that as well, yes or no? And I’m always trying to practice for me I’m not perfect always about this but I’m always trying to practice like asking people, yes or no at the end of it.
Cathy: I have a question about this and I’m trying like something that I noticed and get more articular about it. I may not always be super good but say if you’re just talking to someone and there’s been no obvious touch or flirtation would you just come out and say “hey, would like to go this in sexual direction?” like you’re talk…
Reid: You can but so…
Cathy: To me it’s not always appropriate like if you’re talking to the grocery clerk you probably wouldn’t just…
Reid: Well you need a certain kind of relatedness, right?
Cathy: How do you tell when you reach that relatedness?
Reid: You ask. This is why it sounds so weird but for me as cisgendered extroverted slutty white guy, for me to do ever assume by the laws and rules of feminism, it’s dicey. And if I scared the other personal way by speaking what’s going on if you become so awkward as to ruin the moment. That is the best thing I could have done compassionately and kindly because it wasn’t supposed to happen.
Cathy: So you’re amazingly good at building relatedness with people and I think subconsciously you may have certain signals you’re looking for before you would asked that kind of a question. And so I’m trying to dig deeper a little bit like how do we know when to bring like I was just in a, I know you’re laughing but I think there is coz I’ve seen you’re actually very suave about this.
Reid: I tell you, I can answer the questions it’s gonna similar to the same answer. I’m gonna keep giving.
Cathy: There is something more, Okay. I was just in a event were completely out of the blue someone talked about negotiating sex with me in another person.
Reid: Yeah, with you and another person.
Cathy: Right and were both like. It was just incredibly awkward because there been no flirtation, there have been no I think like partly because we’re both sex educators. This person is kinda assumed were available for sex and it’s just there’s no relatedness and it just felt very uncomfortable. And I think when you do it there are science or things you look for that indicate a relatedness and I’m curious how you do that.
Reid: So this is a question of relatedness then you’re legoing it to not lego last, habit guy.