Abandonment issues can make it hard to get close. Feeling afraid that your sweetie will leave? What can you do?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said they wanting to, no, “How can you stop freaking out that the amazing guy you just met and then have been in a relationship with the past six months isn’t going to freak out when find the end and just leave you?”
Reid: How do you not freak out that the awesome person that you just met isn’t going to freak out and someday leave you? This is Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: What’s your advice?
Cathy: It’s sometimes hard especially if you’re starting to like someone. You can start having abundant issues. And they said they’ve been together six months. Sometimes sharing a bit of that with someone like, “Hey, I noticed that I’m feeling really afraid.” And being clear that if they’re doing certain things that are triggering it, you can certainly ask them to either not do those or just acknowledge they’re doing them. But if they’re not doing anything, just say, “Hey! I apparently have some abandonment issues coming up.” That doesn’t mean you need to process it all with them. You can get talk to friends and…
Reid: Yeah. I would recommend not processing everything with the person you’re having your relationship.
Cathy: No, but just sharing that, “Hey, you know. I noticed that I’m feeling afraid of this.” Like, not hiding it from them.
Reid: Yeah. Don’t hide it. I mean, the more that you hide your fears from people, they tend to grow. Like the snow ball keeps rolling down the hill. Like ignoring the snow ball rolling down the hill, that doesn’t make the snow ball stop.
Reid: It keeps rolling. It gets bigger.
Cathy: Yeah. So, just sharing with your partner that you’re afraid of this can help. And I love, you have the exit strategies. We have a video on that as well. Actually sitting down six months is certainly long enough to be together to invest in the time to have an exit strategy.
Cathy: And it doesn’t mean that you’re going to use it. It just means that you know that it’s there and that can give you…It makes me feel so much more secured that I know someone is not gonna text me and say, “Oh, sorry. It’s over.” Okay, no. We agreed that even if one of us freaks out, we’re gonna spend the weekend together. We’re gonna talk about things. Depending on what your agreement is. Mine would evolve over time. The longer or more invested we are in the relationship, the deeper the exit strategies are [inaudible 00:02:22] But that may help too, knowing that he’s not gonna just walk out. Like, “Hey, I’ll talk to you if I want to leave and [inaudible 00:02:30].”
Reid: Other thing, there’s a great book called by Gay Hendricks. Is it One Leap? One Giant Leap?
Cathy: The Big Leap
Reid: Big leap, big leap. That’s about abundance issues. And understanding that a lot of people when everything’s going great, start to freak out. So it’s a normal phenomenon. And when you, given if you really want to geek out, I’m going with the Greeks, this whole dramatic arc thing where everything is going great and then tragedy strikes. Yeah, so everything’s going great doesn’t guarantee that trials won’t happen but you may be worrying in advance which I like to call abundance issues. And those are the issues you want to be dealing with.
Cathy: Yeah. And if you have a lot of old childhood stuff which many of us do, get it there, [inaudible 00:03:17] and work through them. It doesn’t mean your partner should know. You can definitely share but processing with your partner is not always the best way to go through it.
Reid: Yeah. I mean, share things with your partner but don’t make your partner a therapist. There you go. Leave a comment. What do you think? Abundance issues! Comments.