Taking the Confusion Out of Giving Intimacy: With Betty Martin
Cathy: Hi everyone. I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Here with Betty Martin fromhttp://www.BettyMartin.org. We’re talking about giving. Now, have you ever been confused about giving and felt a little awkward about it? Betty is going to show us some ways to make it more clear and easy. Thanks, Betty.
Betty: Thank you. First I want to define giving, because it can be thought of in a lot of ways. In our context here, what we’re talking about is I’m touching you. It’s for your pleasure. It’s not because I necessarily want to get something out of this, but it’s for you. It’s also possible to touch for my pleasure, but that’s a different video. In this one it’s all about, touching you for your pleasure. If it’s for you, then the one thing that I need before I start is to know what you want. Without that, I can’t give it.
Cathy: That’s true, if you really love … if you really cared about me, you would know what that is.
Betty: Yeah, I didn’t to lie. If I really love you, I would know.
Cathy: That’s a good one.
Betty: It’s very easy actually to find out what you want. All I have to do is ask you, “How would you like me touch you right now just for a few minutes?” It’s much easier to start to learn if you start with just a few minutes. Start out when you’re not in the bedroom. That helps you learn how to communicate about it. The communication actually is more important than the actual doing. If I’m going to touch you for you, I need to find out what you like. The difficulty of course is you may not know what you like.
Betty: You may not know what you want. Then what do I need to do?
Cathy: Try to …
Betty: I have a couple of choices. I can experiment. You look doubtful.
Betty: Here’s what I can do. I can guess. I can make a suggestion. Or I can shut up and wait, and that’s very difficult for most people.
Cathy: Yes, it is.
Betty: It is true that many people don’t know what they want, and it can be a little uncomfortable. Really what giving is about is making enough room so that your desire, what you want can show up. That means slowing down. There is no way around time.
Cathy: We have a hard time in our society slowing down.
Betty: We do. We think, “Well, sex means I do this with the other so I better get after and try doing stuff. After …
Cathy: We have an hour.
Betty: Giving actually means getting my own ideas out of the way. What would you like? Then zip it and wait. That waiting, that creating this very generous spaciousness is actually heart of the gift to you.
Cathy: Yes. This is really good when I cut, I’m calling you back and I can splice it if you’ll just say the last subject again. We’re recording. Great.
Betty: Let me see where was I. I can make a suggestion. I can guess. I can just start doing stuff and hope that you don’t object and hope that you like it and also that I’m reading your mind correctly. Or I can ask, and then just wait. The spaciousness that create for your … for what you want to come to your awareness is actually part of the gift. It’s the very potent sign of love. Just wait for what you want to show up.
Cathy: Well for me I have an abused background and for long time I didn’t know I wanted. And for me it was really fun to experiment with someone in a very safe place like sitting in a living room. Like a touch that is gentle or did I want like a firm just exploring that and figuring out what I actually enjoyed. It was a fun experiment too
Betty: You got that. And this kind of experiment makes it clear who your attraction is really for.
Betty: So if I ask you how you’d like to be touch Cathy? And you have to ponder for a while and maybe you don’t know, it’s still best part of [inaudible 00:05:18] for you. And you know, people with abuses [inaudible 00:05:24] most people for some degree.
Cathy: Yes, absolutely.
Betty: What we think is what we are supposed to put up for whatever happens to us.
Betty: And that tendency can be very, very strong.
Cathy: Yeah, for a long time if you weren’t actively hurting me I was really happy
Betty: Exactly yeah.
Betty: So this creates a space that runs completely counter to that. So I am asking you how would you like to be check cause it help to this very short 3 minutes, 5 minutes and its right now in with clothes and not really sexy. That’s how you gain the confidence to begin communicating with him. The other thing that sort of a trap about giving in a fudge and giving you hand job and that’s a thing is very easy to get really excited by your pleasure as if I kind of… if I think that I’m supposed to get you turned on and I think I know what that looks like.
Betty: Then I’m going to do whatever I take to gets that response out of you. It may not get what you actually wants. You go for the gold. And that’s a real big trap of giving some. I have a book on that one but…
Cathy: What about a people that give to get? I mean I’ve been in that space and kind of depleted and I’m giving to someone that I’m hoping that if I give them enough I wanted them to give something back.
Betty: Yeah. We’ll it’s very easy to deal do that and that is not a problem with giving. That’s a problem with asking for a turn for you to receive.
Betty: Because there’s something that you want.
Betty: And if there is something that you want. The only thing to do that has integrity because you asked for it. I believe this is the only thing to do.
Cathy: Yes. That’s beautiful Betty. I love this. Is there anything else you want to add about the giving part?
Betty: You get to have a limit in what can you can give. Then you got to change your mind. I know you say, “Boy, I’d be happy to rub your back and I have about 10 minutes work of energy left in me. Is that works for you?”
Betty: I’d really love giving you but you know my arm is starting to get tired. So I’m going to have to slow down.
Cathy: Yeah. Taking care of yourself while you’re giving…
Betty: You have to take care of yourself or you don’t have anything to give.
Cathy: Yeah and you start resenting it and it’s not a beautiful experience.
Betty: Yup, yup. That is about another minute to work and that is that partly art of giving. You want to invite feedback, you want to answer feedback. There’s something that might feel better. How to pressure, would you like me to slow down and when you actually ask it makes it easier for them to tell you that.
Betty: And the other thing is and this is just a little trick that I like. You may not like it but, when we’re coming to the end of fam massage or something like that. I always say, “Is there anything you would like to little bit more of before we stop.”
Cathy: I like that a lot.
Betty: It’s just… I don’t know, it’s just a little icing on the cake.
Cathy: Well it’s an amazing transition where sometimes I’ve had back rub and all of a sudden I’m done but…
Betty: What? [laughing]
Betty: Yeah. Yeah!
Cathy: I really enjoyed that. That’s great! I can use that on myself.
Cathy: Is there anything else I’m giving. We’ll do another video and a couple other things but…
Betty: I think that’s all for now.
Cathy: Great wonderful. Thanks everyone. Leave comments below and come on back for the next video.
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