Cleaning up lies or mistakes can be tough enough with close friends. What if your new to a group and really want to fit in?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “I love all your videos about if you tell a lie and I really want to come up front about things but I’m new in this group and I’m feeling really shy and I promised my new friends that I’ll get something for them and I can’t do it. What do I do?”
Reid: You tell them that you lied!
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: It can be hard like, you’re wanting to fit in. You have a new tribe that you’re trying to be part of and really like, “Oh, yeah! I can get that.” And you’re like, “Oops! I can’t.”
Reid: So, here’s the big thing. I think most people don’t need people to be perfect. They need people to be honest which also you don’t need to be perfect about. It’s that you tell them as quickly as you can what’s going on which is the important part. So when somebody tells me that they can do something and then tells me that they can’t, that’s better and actually has me trust them over time because I might be disappointed, I might be like, man, you tend to say that you’re gonna do stuff but then not be able to fulfill on it. Like if you have a pattern, then I just adjust my expectations but if you tell me you’re gonna do something and then you tell me like “Oh, that thing I told you that I thought I could do, I can’t.” Even if you do that over time, that for me usually occurs “Oh, that person is really enthusiastic” and I ideally, you’re trying to get the thing that you said you’re gonna get. But then if it didn’t work out, I feel like you keep me up to date and you know, you don’t have to be perfect about that. But like, you keep me up to date and you’re trying. Most people, that’s what they’re looking for – is people who can be honest, keep them up to date and you try and you care, right? And then, trust me, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t care about. What I mean by that is that it doesn’t bother me. It’s not worth my time to get bothered by it so I really don’t care. Like, that’s on the next video. But when you keep people up to date, you’re honest and you try, that’s like people are starving to be surrounded by people like that.
Cathy: Yeah. And if you have a group of people that you’re kind of like you’re sitting around for [inaudible 00:02:18] “Okay, I can get that.”, and you felt really good with all their appreciation, it can be really hard in any group to tell the group again. You might want to start with one person that you feel especially safe with and say, “Hey, I’m really embarrassed this happened.” You know, you don’t have to jump off the cliff, you can start with someone you feel safe with. Explain what happened and it just come clean and then you may be sharing individually with each of them.
Reid: Now, if the group demands that because you said it, you have to get it, you might want to reconsider your group. Coz that could be weird if they’re like, “Oh, no. You said that. Got to do it.” I don’t know what… are they hazing you? Is this a sorority? Like, what’s going on with that?
Cathy: Well, some people like if you’re part of you’re getting something done for some a deadline or something and you said you’ll get it, there could be putting people in a bad place. It’s not just like, “Oh, cool! Get tickets to that”. It was like, “Oh, we needed that.”
Reid: If you’re clear like you tried to get it and you’re clear that you cannot, telling them sooner that later is always better.
Cathy: Absolutely. That doesn’t mean you’re automatically…like if you made a commitment. I wasn’t clear from the question if it was something, “Oh, yeah. I can get tickets to that. That’s no problem.”, versus “I’m committing to taking care of this part of the project.”
Reid: And then…okay, so let’s go with that. The committing of taking care of this part of the project and they cannot. Well, what do they do?
Cathy: I think that…You have this tendency to not absolve people of responsibility but that ends up piling on another people sometimes. Like, how do you balance that? I think that people do if they make a commitment sometimes they do need to follow through.
Reid: But they can’t follow through on it.
Cathy: In that particular way, maybe they have to [inaudible 00:04:08] else.
Reid: Like, as a project manager, I’m like, if they can’t do it and the project needs that done, we have to move to the next level of project management which is how do we get that thing done.
Cathy: Yeah. And telling the group right away is important.
Cathy: That doesn’t necessarily means dissolve your any responsibility you have if you’ve made a commitment.
Reid: If they can’t do it, this is just my opinion. I also had [inaudible 00:04:37] family so you know, there a lot of things that people couldn’t coz they’re passed out. What’s the next thing is that, the important thing that needs to get done, how do we get it done? And then, once that as it’s getting done or once it’s done, we can talk about commitment.
Cathy: Or making restitution for the people that had to pick up extra stuff or…
Reid: Well, yeah. I mean restitution’s strictly too because if the project needs…if somebody commits all the time and fails all the time, that’s a project management issue.
Cathy: [inaudible 00:05:19]
Reid: Yeah. So, restitution. If you keep letting the same person commit over and over again and they keep not being able to fulfill, that’s a management issue because they can pile up restitution. Basically, the group’s not gonna get what they need. Like, it just not gonna happen and life’s not always gonna be fair. But what’s the intention, what are you trying to fulfill on and is it being fulfilled on. That is where I would focus energies and start. And none of that can happen if you’re withholding from them that they need, that you can’t do the thing.
Cathy: Yeah. So share, you don’t have to share with the whole group but once you can share with each individual, if that feels easier or sometimes I’ve written a letter because it’s hard to get the words out coz I felt so embarrassed.
Reid: And in a difficult conversation formula will help. You walk through that. And for group dynamics, people you can count on that keep you up to date.
Cathy: That matters a lot.
Reid: Who are trying, that makes you really valuable to the group. And also, don’t be afraid to lead the group if they can’t handle, that sometimes shit falls apart coz that’s not a very…you know, the group needs to be adulting as well. Good luck!
Cathy: Hope this helped.