What About Consent? With Jet Appling
Cathy: Have you wondered about consent? I’m here with Jet Appling from http://www.JetNoirMuse.com and I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Jet you we’re talking a little earlier about consent and you were talking about how when you’re on stage, how you want consent from people before you don’t scrub them and flip them around, what other things do you have in there that you coz your your shows are so amazing and I never feel intruded upon, I never feel like your sexuality I feel like it’s there for the us to enjoy but I don’t feel like you push it on people and I thinks that just a beautiful dance to pun a little bit that you do with that and I love to hear about how you set that up coz I think all of us want to walk through the world we’re there we’re sexual, if we feel sexual we are who we are, we don’t need other people feeling were kind of sprayed all over them like. Do you use authority or you use it later?
Jet: Well, consent is something that I feel should have happened in all aspect of our lives, it shouldn’t be on an off switch and in my day time I’m a fitness coach and in eleven years of training client I’m very rarely if ever touch my client is that I could correct your form by free my hands near to that person and doing this and then they get it but I never actually touch them so when it I it gets to a point that I have to explain it three times than I have to then I’ll check in and I say may I? And then I put my hands where it needs to be consent is something that also and I see people do this all the time or I hear do it all the time. People don’t check in for a relationship start up consent and here’s what I mean by that. How many times you have heard the story about 2 people dating and then those 2 people go from dating to having sex on a regular basis and then those 2 people are all of sudden sort of referring to each other as significant other. But at no point that they sit down and have to talk hey here’s what I expect from a relationship, here’s what I expect in you as a partner, here’s what I would like to build us together. People don’t have that conversation and I ask them like hey you guys work from dating to practically live together now, did you have the talk? What talk? No one does it. No one have to sit down saying hey here are my expectations and then weeks, months maybe even a year later then there’s so much disappointment during the break up.
Cathy: They never discuss their boundaries, what they wanted that’s really so just even saying hey for me like I’ve been on dates so I didn’t know were dates I’d like to know, I like somewhat would you like to go out on a date with me? Like make it specific and when we do cuddle parties we even say if you think if you’re in a relationship or think you might be and basically if someone on Facebook would be upset if you say you weren’t in a relationship? But I don’t want just to fall into relationships like that it so much cleaner.
Jet: Yeah. You know there’s this fitness aspect and then you know how you feel about consent and then there’s relationship aspect about how you feel about consent and when I get on stage I’m grateful that these people paid their money maybe after I put on the clothes and showed up to see live entertainment if they didn’t then I wouldn’t do what I do and so the last thing I want them to do or to feel is as if I don’t respect them as human beings by just bypassing consent and grabbing, yanking and pulling all of these on people like there’s a human being underneath that, they’re not props.
Cathy: So even with your looks it didn’t feel like you were trying to put your energy on other people it was like you’re staying within like you were feeling it yourself and inviting other people to participate. Is there a certain mindset you have to do that because I’ve been to shows where I just felt like I wanted to take a shower afterwards.
Jet: Right and like I said the mindset there’s just in any performance should have a story behind it and if you have excuse me if you’ve done what you intended to do then the people will either understand the story you were trying to tell with the movement of your body or they’ll pull things out of the story that you even haven’t thought of and just based on their own interpretation but wither way they’re engaged to stay with the story from beginning to end as supposed to getting distracted talking or whatever. And so you know, whether through my looks or through my movements I’m trying to tell that story and that’s what my mindset is just I know the story I want to tell and when I tell that hopefully they get it.
Cathy: Yeah. I think part of it from what you said before at least how I I’m not trying to put things on you but I’m curious it seems like you are okay with your yourself no matter how they respond and you’re not trying to say look how sexy I am if you don’t respond that way either there something wrong with you or I’m going to be devastated about it.
Jet: No that’s weird. No.
Cathy: Yeah. You’re just like this is me you get to be you and I think that’s a very clean way to interact.
Jet: Yeah. That’s one of the things about essentially you use that phrasing you I get to be me, you get to be you because that’s something that since I have embraced polyamory that’s the main things about polyamory that I loved and that in monogamous relationship and I want to be clear I’m not shitting on monogamous relationships they’re just not for me. In monogamous relationship what I’ve found was that this one person has to be my every fucking thing and if they’re not my every fucking thing I’m going to be a super hypocritical about everything that they are not.
Cathy: And beat them up for being not what you need.
Jet: Right. And that’s just not cool nobody wants to feel that, nobody wants to live with that either. And so then what I’ve found in polyamory is I accept you exactly as you are and anything that you’re not then I’ll find that in another partner and I will not beat you up or you know like verbally because of you are not, you’re just going to be who you are and I’ll be who I am and that’s cool. And my best relationship in life had happened when she let me be myself.
Cathy: Yeah, even for my monogamous clients that I work with I encourage them to get the needs met outside, you can have other people go to the movies with or to vent to you and I just think some people are wired really from monogamy and some people are not. I’m poly myself, it’s just a lot better fit for me but even if you’re monogamous it doesn’t mean you get all your needs met. And I see that where they feel like they can’t even go to the movies with another person or they can’t have dinner with another person it’s like no get out of the house your relationship will be better so I appreciate that. Do you ever use sexual looks in your relationships now the relationships you’re in like to kind of signal you’re interested?
Jet: Sexual looks?
Cathy: Yeah. To kind of come here looks like I want to fuck you looks?
Jet: That would be a better question for my lovers because I don’t really is definitely not a conscious thing you know usually the way we manifest is with an embrace or some sort of physical connection but so I can think of a time of the past where the person I was with we we’re about to have a playdate and she was talking but I wasn’t like interrupting what she was saying it was more like she was talking and it kind of trail off we were just talking light fluffy things nothing serious and then I just cover close for a kiss as supposed to a look and waiting on her to respond to a look I just kiss her then it went it from there. And you know but you know again to be clear circling about what I’ve said about consent it was a playdate where we’ve already sort of started kissing anything like that but earlier the night it wasn’t like you know.
Cathy: It wasn’t the first time you grab her which I really appreciate I love that I think it is really savvy to use our words we’re adults, we get to in you know maybe when we were teenagers that was all we had because we were struggling with things but as adults words are so powerful.
Jet: Yes, totally.
Cathy: So, thank you so much and thank you for sharing that because I think that when we own ourselves it is so much easier to be clean versus like I’m trying to be sexy if you don’t respond I’ll be devastated and it’s your fault or something like that and we can try to own that and it’s not always easy but we don’t know ways to get it right, the more we practice the better we’ll get at it.
Jet: Yeah. The To that end one of the things that I find I refuted every time I hear anyone use the phrase you make or you made me feel and I’m just like yeah no let’s not do that own your feelings, you’re entitled to them, they are justified, they are but I didn’t make you feel.
Cathy: It’s good to have your feelings but we all have stories about it and we create all kinds of feelings within ourselves that have nothing to do with the other person what they intended or even were trying to do so yea great point. Thank you. If you have comment or questions please leave them below.