What Are Bottom Lines, How Do You Know What They Are and Should You Share Them With Your Partner?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo, Hunter Riley manager of Self Serve Toys and we’re in Self Serve Toys right now filming. Your website is https://HunterRileySexEducation.com/. Matie Fricker from http://SelfServeToys.com/.
Cathy: So, we’re just shooting a video about how to clean up messes and maybe brought up bottom line so we wanted to talk more about that. What are bottom lines? How do you know what they are and should you share them with your partner? This is Hunter Riley manager of Self Serve Toys and we’re in Self Serve Toys right now filming. Your website is https://HunterRileySexEducation.com/. Matie Fricker from http://SelfServeToys.com/. Don’t go to self-service, is that right?
Matie: Nope, no sex toys there only http://SelfServeToys.com/ for the best sex toys in the world.
Cathy: Yeah, amazing. And all tested?
Matie: Yes. Body safe, tested by staff making sure that we really love them.
Cathy: Such a tough job.
Matie: It’s really hard. We do take one for the team. Sometimes, it’s terrible.
Cathy: And I am Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com and Matie can you explain what bottom line is?
Matie: Yeah. Like for me their deal breakers and there are things where they’re actually totally unacceptable like I do not consent to ever be treated this way and because we come from different backgrounds, different experiences together, it’s really easy to in a relationship accidentally like cross a boundary. Deal breaker if we don’t talk about it.
Cathy: My bottom line can be totally different from yours to yours.
Matie: And people think that everyone should know that and it’s like No.
Cathy: In my family, everybody knows that’s a deal breaker. You have a different family, different experiences.
Matie: Yeah and so like for me I can’t actually handle being yelled at. I grew up in a house where there was some yelling. It was scary, there was alcohol involved. I just don’t need to be yelled at in a relationship and so if you screamed at me, I’m actually going to end a relationship like that’s you know. As I’ve been in long-term relationship, there might be some flexibility around those boundaries but really big picture I don’t want to be yelled at and that one for a lot of people is very surprising.
Cathy: You present someone who’s very strong together so if I got upset if I didn’t know that I might raise my voice.
Matie: Yeah and if you yell at me I might Bye, this was fun but-
Cathy: I’m so sorry, come back.
Matie: Yeah and that was really surprising one for people. Just an outright lie is actually a deal-breaker for me and I’m kind of hard on my boundaries about that. People are really shocked by that. What are yours?
Hunter: Some of mine are same thing, people lying to me. I’ve been lied to a lot and in past relationships and I’ve been cheated on past relationships so even and it’s hard to because there are reasons why people might lie or not super bad, right? They might be like Oh yeah I think you made was delicious. But I’m really honestly, the pain for me will be so much less intense in my life if I can deal with pain if something being like Yeah, that food you made it just wasn’t really my flavor and I’ll be like Oh okay, good to know. Bummer. Not a big deal versus finding out like hearing you talking about how shitty that food was to somebody else when you told me that you liked it. That pain sticks with me and then I start to get resentful. Even if its little lies that are seemingly fairly like not a big deal, I’m just like please, if you’re going to lie about little things I don’t know maybe you lie about big things. Maybe you don’t. I don’t know but for me even small little lies, they are big deal breaker. Also, like sexual health and safety is a really big deal for me too. If the condom breaks, please for the love of God tell me and don’t just disregard our boundaries because you’re getting hot and heavy with somebody and you want to get your butt’s wet. Please maintain, you’re pretty my sexual health risk as well too.
Cathy: You’re both very articulate and I know some of my bottom lines but sometimes I’m in a relationship with someone new and all of a sudden, I realized they hit a bottom line that I didn’t know to tell them about, how do you handle that? Because I kind of feel shitty sometimes like oh that was my bottom line. Goodbye but you never told me that wearing purple would make me do that.
Matie: I think that I especially like the one around yelling I definitely give people an opportunity.
Cathy: But what if they hit one you didn’t know about until they hit it.
Matie: Well, I think there are certain things that are non-negotiable that are my integrity with myself and it’s not about them, it’s about me.
Cathy: Right. There’s nothing right or wrong-
Matie: Yeah. So like if somebody was to be physically violent about me..
Cathy: I don’t need to tell you that.
Matie: I’m not going to give you a second shot to hit me again but something like raise their voice at me when they are angry that I would probably remove myself from the situation for a period of time. Maybe journal, maybe talk to a friend. Maybe figure out why I triggered. I would be rational, I would be like this lady sitting on the couch and like this is what is important to me. I’m like losing my mind and crying. Remove myself from the situation. Figure out what self-care looks like in that moment and then bring back an opportunity to work it out. I haven’t always been that practical, I’m not always that practical. I might like have a vulnerable moment with somebody and I think that the moments when things go terribly wrong or sometimes where we find our right. If somebody cross a boundary that they didn’t know about but then they understood and supported and did everything in their power to make sure that this space felt safe in the future then you can be closer. Actually like move through that and where you feel even better.
Cathy: Even though hitting the bottom line once, they might be able to clean it up but hitting it a couple times like it’s there’s no way to go forward.
Matie: Yeah, I think for me. What about you?
Cathy: Yeah, I’m curious. Like say people sometimes panic in the moment even people that are different like. If I all of the sudden like you asked me, what do you think of a dinner like oh my God, it was great. Like okay Hunter, an hour later I have to come clean with you. Hey, I actually like.. Hey make way for tomorrow night and I’m like crap. Hunter actually I don’t like that kind of flavor seasoning I just had to think I’m so sorry I lied to you. Sometimes you’re like why did I lie. Why I done that? Why am I saying this? Stop, stop and we have to clean it up. How would you feel with that?
Hunter: For me it really just comes down to having a conversation with somebody about why they lie because oftentimes they do have valid reasons it’s like I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, maybe you got a fight with your mom that day and need piling that on top wasn’t going to be good. I’ve had people who are very close to me who have told me little lies and then I find out about them and I’m like wait, why did you lie to me and they’re like why I lied to you because you are already having a really hard day and I didn’t want to pile this on top and I’m like I mean it’s annoying but I also like I get why you did it and I appreciate you for thinking about me in that way and for trying to keep an eye out for me but let’s try not to do that in the future. Just saying being understanding and being compassionate is important, I think. You get to decide how much compassion you give. You get to decide if you have five times worth of compassion or four times or three times or two times. But for me just having a conversation about why did you do this thing? What were your reasons because I think if you’re close to somebody and you’re in a relationship with them, they’re not trying to hurt you. They’re not I lied to you because I hate you, I think you’re stupid. They’re like I lie to you because I did it to save your feelings.
Cathy: I think sometimes it depends on like if I have a really good relationship with someone and they hut my bottom like and much more likely to say in the general scheme of my relationship, I really want to clean this up where on someone who I haven’t invested very much or they’ve hit some other bottom lines, yeah I don’t think I want to continue investing in this.
Matie: Sometimes our trauma bumps up with somebody else’s drama so it’s really I think important to have a team and if it’s like a coach, it’s a therapist or counselors something just happened but something to help you work through your trauma instead of throwing away all of your relationships. About recognizing this is not a safe place for me right now. I need to go get some support.
Cathy: Love to hear from you. What do you think about bottom lines and then what do you do if somebody hits one of yours? Comment below.