What Do You Do When One Partner Wants Something and The Other Doesn’t?
How do you deal with the shame and social pressure and choose what’s right for you?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com and Raj.
Cathy: How do you deal with it when one partner wants something and the other partner doesn’t? I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Andi: I’m Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Raj: I’m Raj, I’m married to Andi.
Cathy: It is a challenge when … We’re kind of taught that if you are in a relationship, you’re supposed to have sex, or you’re supposed to support each … Like there’s things we are supposed to do. A lot that is actually negotiable. In our society we don’t talk about it. We get emails a lot people saying, my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me, how do I make them want to have sex with me? How do I make this happen, because they feel like they have to get it in a relationship? There could be a lot of shame and discomfort when one person wants something and the other person doesn’t. You are in a relationship, a wonderful relationship where you don’t want to have sex right now, you would like to?
How did you deal with that? Especially on sex there’s so much shame and pressure from our society and I love that you both seem so relaxed and cool about it. How did you deal with that? I think a lot of people could benefit from … like would like to hear. How did you get to the place where, you can be so loving and supportive of each other and have this disconnect where I want this, I don’t want this.
Andi: First a lot of help, a lot of talking to friends, a lot of books, a lot of work with coaches. I remember this moment, do you remember this where … the narrative had been that I don’t want sex and he does. We realized that I actually do want sex with you, it’s just not the kind that you want. I’ll say, “How will I peg you?” Look at his face, he’s just not … I love pegging it’s one of my favorite-
Cathy: Can you define pegging for the audience?
Andi: Oh yes, so pegging is fucking a guy in the ass with a strap-on. It’s just my most favorite activity and Raj is just not into it. So, actually I do want sex with my husband, it’s just not the kind of sex that he wants. The kind of sex that he wants with me where it’s like, loving, caressing, let’s stay together forever. I’m like, can’t we just talk about staying together forever and like make plans at the table without all the cuddlyship. It’s not so much that we don’t want sex with each other, we find each other super attractive. I think you’re super hot, you think I’m super hot?
Raj: Yep, I do.
Andi: It’s that he wants different things. Whenever coaches talk to us and saying, you have different movies playing in your head. My movie is like pushing him down and fucking him in the ass, and his movie is like, loving and caressing. Things that don’t sound good to me anymore.
Raj: We found that has to do with all the other transitions we’ve been going through particularly around gender.
Cathy: Yeah, and we are talking about that in another …
Raj: We need to talk about that a lot. As one partner or more partners in their relationship as their identities start changing, their needs start changing too. That might cause a disconnect in sex. Just like many of you, when that started to happen initially, I was in the place where I was like, how can I make this change, how can-
Cathy: It’s easy to want because you feel like you have to get it from your partner. It’s like, that’s a need I have, how come you’re not giving it to me?
Raj: That’s the first thing and secondly as a partner sometimes you might feel inadequate. You might feel like, oh, this is something that is my fault that if I were better at sex then this might not have happened. It’s important to realize that that’s not always the case. It’s not always something that’s under your control, and it’s not your fault most of the time. It’s just sometimes that people change and their needs change accordingly.
Andi: He’s really awesome in bed and I highly recommend him. We’re just not compatible of each other.
Cathy: I think that’s beautiful, so there was a reframe and it’s not that I’m rejecting, we just don’t like the same, same expression?
Cathy: That’s really powerful, and then just like we’re still okay, and we can still love each other and be cool even if we don’t want the same thing. We’ll be talking in another video about opening up a relationship, when we don’t think we have to get it from that one person which then makes us feel desperate. If I can only get air from you, I’m going to be like, “Dude, give me air,” but if I can have this amazing connection and in love with someone, and still get some needs outside the relationship makes us feel powerful and a lot more free in that relationship.
Raj: Yeah, and one thing I’m going to say which is something that I’ll probably repeat in other videos too is that, it’s okay to feel sad about what was-
Cathy: We can grieve for that.
Raj: Yeah. I feel sad for the fact that we had a sex life once which was really amazing and that changed over time, we don’t, we are not compatible anymore. That doesn’t mean that I don’t support this, I don’t want the relationship. It’s okay to have those feelings even though they might seem a little bit contradictory to each other.
Andi: Being sad doesn’t mean that you’re not being supportive.
Cathy: Yes. That’s beautiful, thank you guys, I really appreciate your sharing. If you feel like sharing, tell us what your disconnects are with your partner, and what you’d like to see happen with them, or how we can help.
Andi: Let us know in the comments.
Cathy: Yeah, thanks very much.
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