If desire goes away, can you revive it?
With Elizabeth Wood and Dan Powers from http://www.BeyondTheBedroom.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: What happens when your love life dies and withers? Can you ever bring it back? I’m here with Elizabeth Wood and Dan Powers from http://www.BeyondTheBedroomEvents.com/ and I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/.
Elizabeth: Great question. Do you want to talk personal experience, or do you want to just talk practically and let the viewers know?
Dan: Go for it.
Elizabeth: Okay. For anyone who, well, we women, we fluctuate so often. If there’s something that’s really on your mind emotionally or something that you’re not feeling well medically, you can always just simply touch to reconnect, even if you’re not feeling in the mood or you feel like things have dried up. Starting that by just simple touch, even if it’s just nurturing and comforting touch, that seems to always get the juices going.
Dan: I think also, doing unique and different things. When you’re in a rut and you’re doing the same stuff over and over and over again, if you reach out and even just going to a movie if you haven’t done that in a really long time or going to a really nice dinner or something more provocative than that.
Elizabeth: We’ve actually changed it up in the room that we usually are intimate in. We’ve gone into a guest bedroom in our house or even the downstairs room where we typically have house guests that come from far and wide. We actually changed the atmosphere, as well.
Dan: Well, and we have a room that really is specifically for, well, I shouldn’t say completely specifically, but very specifically for, it’s for sex and that kind of entertainment.
Cathy: When you go in there, there’s not all the worries, the day-to-day stuff, the bills and stuff that’s going. That’s nice.
Dan: Yeah, because we found that if you’re using your bedroom all the time for sex, for me, that’s where I go to sleep. As soon as I’m laying on the bed, especially in the evening …
Elizabeth: That’s the truth.
Dan: I drop out, yeah. Ask past acquaintances of mine.
Elizabeth: 9: 01, curfew. No more play time.
Cathy: Whereas if you go in the other room, your body goes, “Oh, this is where …”
Dan: Yeah, it’s particularly geared for that.
Cathy: I’ve found it’s also really useful sometimes to get clear on why you want to have that connection. Sometimes, people are like, maybe they’re doubting the relationship. When there’s trouble in the bedroom, it can make, “Are we compatible? Is there still a connection here?” Getting clear on what we’re both getting out of the relationship and having the sexual touch, how it strengthens the relationship, getting clear on that can help us both be focused in the same direction and really clear that we do want to be there or maybe we don’t. Maybe we should think about not being together.
Elizabeth: Yeah, in any given situation, if one of the two partners isn’t in the right frame of mind, if it’s you’re not in the right relationship with the right person, even if you’re like, “I’m not in the right frame of mind,” that’s a time to then not go into being sexual or intimate and saying, “Hey, can it just be a back rub tonight?” Not all touch is sexual.
Dan: We’ve also found that being sexual when you’re not in the right frame of mind works, as well. I’ve had times where Elizabeth hasn’t really been in the mood. She’s a little upset and I push the issue. Now, not just to get my own gratification …
Cathy: Right, and not just non-consensually.
Dan: Right, oh yeah, of course not. Yeah. When it’s not just for me and all about me, I’m focusing attention on her, then it really brings her back into that space.
Cathy: If I’m not in the mood but I cuddle, so this is when we cuddle, usually after about 15-20 minutes, I start feeling a little bit like, “Hmm. Maybe I want to do something more.” Sometimes, I’m just too tired or just not in the space.
Elizabeth: I can imagine, Cathy, if someone wanted to play, run through your hair …
Cathy: I love my hair played with.
Dan: That’s why I’ve separated these two.
Elizabeth: So I can’t reach her.
Cathy: We’d love to know what you think. Would you leave your comments below? Do you think you can resurrect a love life that’s withered?