Been Hanging out with someone and want to not spend the same amount of time and intimacy with them? What do you do?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Andi: That’s really interesting, but then what happens if say you have had a connection with someone in the past, but right now you’re just totally overbooked? You have so many amazing things happening in your life that you’re saying, “I don’t think that’s the best use of my time right now”? Then what do you do?
Cathy: That’s a great question. Again, Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Andi: Andi Cortland from http://www.LevelUpSex.com.
Cathy: These are great questions because when people have them answered, they feel like they can move forward and be out there. Thank you. What I do is I try to let them know directly and as soon as possible. If I’ve been hanging out with someone … I’ve actually had this happen. I was actually dating someone and he’d come to some of my events. I wasn’t really feeling the connection any more. It was a difficult conversation. I love Reid’s formula, difficult conversation formula. I’ll leave the link below. I had to tell him, “Hey, I’m sorry. I have to talk to you about something. I really respect who you are. I’m afraid that you’re going to be angry at me or never come to the events anymore. I want you to know that I’ll be clear with you about what my needs are and where I’m at so that you’re not feeling like I’m leading you on.”
Andi: Right, or so they’re not guessing.
Cathy: Yes because they’re guessing, “They seem to push me away, but they keep telling me to come to the events. What is going on?” What I’d really like you to know is I’ve had a great time with you, but I’m not interested in dating you anymore and I’d like you to come to the events for you if that’s what you like, but please don’t come because you want to see me because I’m not available for that.” If someone continues to push it, one of the lines I learned as an engineer that I really love is, “That’s unacceptable.” You don’t have to discuss it. You don’t have to give them reasons why something is unacceptable because that gives them avenues to … If you’re open to it, great, discuss it, but if you don’t want to, just like, “Okay, this is unacceptable. I’m not open to discussing it any more. I don’t have to give you reasons. I’m not available. This behavior, this specific behavior is unacceptable. You need to stop.”
Andi: Excellent.
Cathy: We’d love to know what you think. Where have you run into this and what have you done? Please leave comments below.
Andi: Thank you.
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