What’s the meaning of INCEL? Are there undateable people?
With Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Do you know what “Incel” means? And how to use it?
Reid: How do you spell it?
Reid: Google it! Google fuckin’ exist. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Before you Google things, If you’re some junior, what’s ‘Incel’? Let’s do, what’s the definition? We goggled it.
Cathy: Yes! We did. So it stand in involuntary celibacy and it indicate someone who is not being sexual, not because they have chosen to be celibate but because they are not getting any. And there are some people use the term to use, people who are blaming others from not having sex.
Reid: It generally a put down. It’s not like “hey yow! My incel brothers! What’s up! Hey!” It’s more of insult and it’s an insult used by men towards other men or is it kids in kindergarten. Who’s using incel?
Cathy: Many use it towards other men and some women use it towards men. One person wherein is said to other, everywhere they’re at the club, they’re at the sex shop, they’re just everywhere.
Reid: They are undatables.
Cathy: Yes! And I don’t think anyone is undatable. I think that a lot of people have things that they could learn to make them datable. Just so you know, Incel, you can be dating and still be considered Incel. It’s just, if you’re not “having sex”.
Reid: But it is in-volunteer. So if I was being celibate then I wouldn’t be Incel.
Cathy: Right. But if you went a lot of dates and you keep asking nor you wanted to have sex and they were saying no you could still be considered.
Reid: That’s knighting. Respect people’s knows. Say thank you for taking care of yourself because you don’t wanna have sex with people who don’t wanna have sex back. And it’s kinda work.
Cathy: Right. And blaming other people for not wanting to have sex with you tends not to make you really attractive to people especially if you’re kinda going in. And I’ve been on dates with somebody who’s kinda angry and expecting and pushing out that. And it didn’t make me feel safe at all.
Reid: What’s the difference between that kind of thing and just having needs?
Cathy: If you have a need that is frustrated over and over and over, and you don’t know how to get that or how to change it, that can create that frustration and anger. It’s not that people, all humans can get that. Like if you went to restaurant after restaurant they’re like “No were not going to feed you” and you’re like really, really hungry and you need to find food and you might start get angry about it. So it’s not that…
Reid: Like hangry. So it’s like a sex version of that hangry.
Reid: When you’re hungry and you start getting angry and cranky. HALT! Which is Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. So it’s a sex version. Figured it out. Put it on a comment what’s the sex version of halt or hungry or whatever that is.
Cathy: And the thing is, were not, we can’t other people are not obligated to fulfill our sex needs but we can learn skills and techniques to help us be feel safer to other people that might help us that process.
Reid: So people who are like “starving”, who are may be socially less adaptor, socially awkward and combining the starvingness …
Cathy: Or just having a bad one for a little while, so you might just don’t need people who don’t wanna connect with for a little bit.
Reid: That’s sounds different in people denying you. Because I don’t think the way they are using the term. And the reasons why we talked about something we wrote in a comment to us about this. I don’t think the term sounds like to me the way it was presented to us that people are saying “Oh, I’m frustrated because I haven’t eaten in a while and I just haven’t met somebody I wanna sleep with. That’s doesn’t sound you’re using Incel.
Cathy: No, it’s more like or somebody owes you sex and you’re the closest person and so you should be doing that one with me. Lot of anger and sometimes…
Reid: And that kind of energy is not, unless it turns you own. It’s not palatable for a lot of people especially in trying to get to know your way. Which would push the sex further away. So what’s solutions?
Cathy: Solutions are, one get your touch needs meet in other ways that are ethical and like get a massage. Go to cuddle party – http://www.cuddleparty.com/. And there’s a great place to learn on how to connect with people in a safe way. Find different ways to fill some of your needs coz when you go out with someone and you’re like “I need to have you”.
Reid: It’s like banging in the restaurant door being like “let me in, let me in I’m hungry”.
Cathy: Yeah, it doesn’t feel like safer or comfortable. And I know that a lot of people it’s really easy to blame weight or looks or age for this kinds of thing. Like I thought, no one would date me, I’m a big woman, and I thought nobody would date me and I felt insult for fourteen years I didn’t date but the truth was it was all my shame. Some people don’t prefer big people but I had as many dates as I wanna fit in my schedule. So, it’s easy to blame something “Oh, I’m too ugly, I’m too old, I’m too fat” whatever it is your “too” thing that often it’s more your approaching your energy around it.
Reid: Or that you’re not getting yourself off it. Because in your situation, you just weren’t dating which makes it…
Cathy: I thought they were gonna parachute in the ceiling and they didn’t so.
Reid: Well, that’s surprise. Because ceilings people were not supposed to be able to parachute. Unless you’re living in a tush cut that and then maybe you don’t have internet right now and you’re not watching this video so, it’s something like smooth.
Cathy: Some people in touch cuts have internet?
Reid: I’m not a Wi-Fi expert. I want as many people who need Wi-Fi to have Wi-Fi as well.
Reid: So, we’re diverting. You leave a comments about what you think about Incel, I-N-C-E-L. And then we’ll see you in the next video and maybe you could subscribe.