When Desire Goes Away… What Do You Do?
If you’ve been enjoying sex and sensuality… what do you do when all of sudden the passion and wanting go away?
Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: What if you’ve been pretty sexual, pretty sensual and all of the sudden the desire goes away? It can be really hard and really confusing. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. What do you do? Is it because people are taking medication? Is it somebody just had a baby and you’re all sleep deprived? What’s going on?
Cathy: I think it’s really important to rule out medical conditions, like hormone imbalances, or illness, medication …
Reid: Stress at work.
Cathy: Yeah. If you had a child, whatever it is. But if none of those things are the cause it can be very confusing. It feels kind of like your body isn’t working right anymore. And it can be hard if you have relationships too. What do you suggest to people?
Reid: The big thing that I always talk about is talking about it. Understanding that sometimes people don’t talk or share things that are going on right away because they’re trying to get clarity. If there’s stress on the job, their mind is in other places. It wouldn’t occur to them to talk about it.
Most people I’m finding … when I work with people in coaching, they’re not talking about it because they either don’t know what to talk about yet, there’s just no clarity. They’re afraid to talk about it, or a combination of both. Then every once in a while you’ll get people who are just clueless, they just haven’t noticed what’s going on. That’s why they’re not talking about it.
Then, there are people that just refuse to talk about it. Which kind of usually loops back to fear and stuff like that.
Cathy: I think knowing that there is probably nothing… It’s easy to feel like you’re broken, like there’s something wrong. Realizing that a lot of people go through periods where they don’t feel sexy. They don’t feel turned on by people. Letting your partners know that it’s something that’s going on, so they don’t feel like “what happened, usually that feels really good and you’re not responding”, and hope that they have some patience, can be useful. Also, exploring what does turn you on. Is there something new or something different that your body wants? Maybe being patient with yourself.
Reid: Other things to understand is that especially in American culture… with these videos people can be watching from all over the world and from different cultures. Especially with American culture there is this overachieving-ness in the bedroom, and if you’re not horny all the time, or having sex all the time, or having sex where the orgasms are knocking end tables over from the bed…
Cathy: Tearing walls…
Reid: Then somehow you’re broken, something’s wrong. You’re missing out on the opportunity. What has happened in this overachieving-ness in our society right now, is that people have forgotten that things have evident flows, and that sometimes for whatever reason… it could be all kinds of different reasons none of them necessarily wrong. You’re just not feeling it, or you’re feeling disconnected. Not panicking is really a great first step. Then, if you can, starting to notice what your thoughts are doing to you about these things. What are you making things mean? If you knew it was just a phase, or that it was normal, then everything’s fine. We talk about peoples sudden returns. It’s okay that you’re struggling, because it’s a 7 year cycle.
Whether you believe in that stuff or not…or that Mercury’s in retrograde. Then all the sudden you’re like, “oh, okay” and you give yourself permission for things to be off. We don’t do that in American culture around sexuality, not nowadays. Giving yourself permission to not panic is a really great place to start. Then, start talking to people who can listen. If you have family members or any relationship where people can’t have these kinds of conversations, then please go see a therapist. Have somebody who is a trained listener, so that you can get the experience of being witnessed while you find your voice to start putting words to these things.
Cathy: One thing to also notice is… the study was only done on women but they found that if a woman wasn’t turned on her disgust level was much higher. Realize that if things that you normally love to do… it could be that if you’re going through a phase like this, it could be harder to do things that you would have normally loved to do. If your body is not turned on, things like someone orgasm cumming in your mouth or bodily fluids might seem repulsive. Actually, they’ve done some medical studies on women only and that was part of the response they found. If you can, let your partner know that you’re less open to doing certain things. Honor what you need. Don’t try to make yourself do it because it’s not…
Reid: It’s usually not helpful.
Cathy: Just if you can, realize that your responses are related to the hormones that are going through your body and your level of turn on. Whether …
Reid: Those hormones, like we said in the beginning of the video, might be being affected by a bunch of different variables, medication, stress at work, just having had a child, or your partner having had a child. Again, this isn’t just a female body thing. This can happen for us penis owners as well.
Cathy: We’d love to know what you think. Have you ever run into this and what did you do to help yourself? Thanks very much, and we’ll talk to you soon.
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