You’re In A Mono/Poly Relationship And The Poly Partner Is In Love with Someone Else, What To Do?
Cathy: So someone wrote in and said, we’re in a mono/poly relationship, the woman is monogamous and her partner is poly and he’s just starting out to date other people, they just opened up the relationship for him and he’s had a couple of dates but the dates didn’t really work out but now he met someone he really likes and he’s really happy, she’s poly and she wants to be really happy but he’s really in the new relationship energy, he’s hyperfocused on this new girl and she wants to they want to meet but she’s also feeling really jealous and she doesn’t want to meet this other person until this other woman until she feels a little less like she’s feeling really jealous about the hyperfocus her boyfriend is putting on this other person and she’s wanting to know how, if there are ways to handle that. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.Reidaboutsex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http:// www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and..
Cathy: It’s a great question.
Reid: It’s a great question. And it was such a great question, I put on a tux coz it demanded that kind of penache.
Cathy: And coz Southwest lost your luggage.
Reid: Because my airline’s lost. I didn’t want to say Southwest
Reid: Because I fly them a lot, and I love them and I think this is the first time they have lost anything of mine but I luckily was traveling with my suit bag with me, so now you’re getting the tux treatment and this is a great question and I love that you send us questions. Alright what do you you want to first shot here?
Cathy: Well first of all, realize that new relationship energy the hyperfocus is really common for a lot of people and it is an issue that a lot of like I’ve even have friends that are hyperfocused on a new friend, and it can feel like, what am I? Chopped liver? And so being one aware that it does happen to other people and maybe helping your partner be aware that he is doing it so he can make a conscious effort to be attentive to you might be helpful. Just being to talk about it and say, hey I know this is a thing, and I can use some appreciation and some focused time as well, asking for what you want might be helpful and you don’t have to meet the other person until you are ready to at any point, like it’s great, I’d really like to, I think it’s a great thing to do if you can but don’t make yourself do something you don’t feel ready for, if that’s going to make you like feel really uncomfortable or like you’re not taking care of yourself.
Reid: Yeah and and when they wrote in, I didn’t remember this piece. They’re new to opening their relationship.
Reid: And is the person feeling jealous, have they been poly before?
Cathy: Nope, they’ve both been monogamous before. She is monogamous and it says, it goes on saying that his hyperfocus is making her feel insecure and it’s shaking the relationship a little
Reid: Got it. So it’s the first time that it happened? Yeah, alright. Here’s my advice. Take it or leave it. Cathy’s advice might be better suited for this. My hunch is that meeting the person will help faster or help sooner even though it might create kick up more anxiety. The person might be fucking fabulous and you’re like, oh shit, I can’t compete with this. Allison and I, my primary partner deal with this sometimes coz I will, I tend to date people who are more slutty than Allison is, and Allison is like, oh my goodness you’re going to leave me for somebody who is more like you in bed and and I understand the logic but I’ve been with Allison for almost 10 years now at the time of this recording and it’s like, I’m poly so why can’t I just have both? So like, understanding that you, don’t push yourself before you’re ready but also if you’ve never done this before, you might want to beta-test meeting that person sooner because that actually might shift everything way faster than you waiting for your partner who’s in love energy right? Who has the love blinders on to calm down enough for you to start to feel more secured.
Cathy: If often takes up to 6 month for the new relationship energy to kind of settle in.
Reid: So that can be 6 months of agony whereas you could, you know, summon up the courage to meet them and then maybe like kind of catapult yourself over that anxiety? I would also recommend you go out and meet them for coffee solo without your partner coz if your partner is like..
Cathy: Yeah, that’s horrible feeling..
Reid: Yeah, while you’re at lunch, you just want to stick butter knives in people. So don’t do that. Never stick butter knives on people.
Cathy: Forks work much better.
Reid: Spoons. Use spoons. Spooning before forking, forking before knifing, who knows? Well that was *inaudible*. So the idea here is like you’re experimenting because this is new. I have some products on my website around jealousy.
Cathy: Really good ones.
Reid: And understanding jealousy. We’ve already shoot videos on jealousy so you just might on this channel, look, type in “jealousy” and see what other videos we have, so this is a great learning experience for both of you and be gentle on yourself but also know that, you know, that waiting for the right time might not be the right choice and again we don’t know yet coz you’re just discovering this about yourself.
Cathy: Yeah, and I would encourage you to use your words with your partner, at least ask for what you want if he is you know in the past more attentive, you can say hey, I’m noticing that you’re talking a lot about this new person, I’d like to talk about us, can we have a time when we’re talking, focusing on us rather than, you know, I know this is new and exciting, acknowledging that but asking, I really need some time to know that I’m important to you too.
Reid: Yeah and any other thing I would take to look at, and this is tricky to do is how much is their behavior really changed? If they’re doing all of the same stuff that was making you happy before they were poly, like if you are getting actually pretty much the same kind of attention and you are happy then, and what is triggering you is they have things that you are seeing them do to another person. Like if there is not really a big drop in the amount of time and things that you are doing with each other, have a conversation about that too coz what I’ve noticed happen in my relationship with Allison is you know, there’s a piece that’s triggering because Allison’s seeing me behave in the way I behave with Allison with a lover of mine and then we think because, then again these is all dependent on people and Allison may even watch this video and be like, dude, you got it completely wrong so, but the thing is when as somebody who makes people jealous sometimes, I’ve actually been doing my due diligence to make sure everyone’s tanks are full but they get upset because my focus is on somebody else. Whereas if your partner had picked up golf and was spending time and energy on golf because it’s not a lover, you don’t have the same reaction and again it’s a I don’t get jealous in the normal ways so I am saying it with those filters but also appreciate your partners for how they do show up even when they are in love with somebody else and I understand that that can be frightening.
Cathy: Yeah. Let’s come back and do another, I want to ask another question on the same topic.
Reid: Yeah sure! Awesome.
Cathy: Leave comments below.