Find out with Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo and Reid Mihalko and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.

Cathy: Why is it important to wearing your name tag when you’re at business events? This is Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the http://TheIntimacyDojo.com/. And when we got the green shirt on for Sex Geek Summer Camp, this is a business advice video for sex educators, sex-positive entrepreneurs, etc. So why it is important to wear your name tag, Cathy?

Cathy: It is important.

Reid: It is important. Why?

Cathy: Do you remember that tall goofy guy. What was his name? He had a great website.

Reid: The one without the name tag.

Cathy: Yeah. I really want to go to his site but I can’t remember him anymore.

Reid: Yeah. Too bad he wasn’t wearing his name tag.

Cathy: Or might be that someone wants to come up and talk to you and they’re embarrassed coz they’ve asked your name a few times.

Reid: I’m horrible with names. If you haven’t already figured this out internet. And so, name tags save my ass. The only thing that’s embarrassing is always I’m afraid because when you’re wearing it on a lanyard, you think I’m saying that in your boobs.

Cathy: So, part of the reason we go to business work meetings or events is to network and build connection with people. And I know for myself, there’s been many times when I’ve like met someone once and I can’t remember their name and they’re not wearing their name tag and I just don’t go up and talk to them. I go off for over and talk to somebody else. So, there’s a little bit less interaction. And then also I’m talking I can’t remember later or if we take photos together, if the name tag’s in there, I’ve got a nice…

Reid: Yeah. I’ve actually started having people like when we do pictures…

Cathy: Hold them up. Yeah.

Reid: We do one where you hold up your name tag so that I can then have your face and your name. But that’s me. I’m silly like that.

Cathy: Yeah. But it really does help and especially if you’re shy and introverted like I am. Anything that I can do to help people approach me is good and having a name tag helps them like, Hey Cathy! They feel suave and together they don’t feel awkward. Or they’re not trying to talk to you and if you say something really impressive, they can’t like, I’ve done this. Someone says I’ve been really cool and I’m like all of a sudden more, like wow, they got my attention. I look down at their name tag and go, Oh, I need to remember that. It anchors it for me. So, I really think it’s important, it’s important to do this throughout the business event. I see a lot of people, they’re wearing them great the first day and the last day they’re not wearing them or like the third day they stop. And wearing them helps people connect and remember you better and that is a so key. Giving them a business card, they go, oh, put them in their pocket. The name tag wherever you know, wherever it’s hanging is a way for them to associate your face, your words, your energy with who you are and your business. And I always like to put my website on it even if the event runner doesn’t, the person running the event just puts the name, I try to put my website below it to anchor that as well.

Reid: Another thing you might want to do, a little interesting. As somebody who goes to a lot of conferences and events, one is as a facilitator, you might want to consider having you know, little name tags even if it’s just handwritten ones as people come in coz a lot of people they’re kind of they’re silly but they’re playful. And you could also model that they write their name and then ask me about blank. So then it becomes kind of a mingling game. And the other hack that I’ve done and yeah, you can put your pronounce on those as well especially in the Sex Ed world you know. Knowing that you use he and his or she and her, they and them or ze and zey…

Cathy: Zir.

Reid: Zir. That again like, you can use your name tags for good, never for evil. Other hacks, lanyard hacks.

Cathy: Both sides

Reid: Yeah. For a facilitator, if you have the funds to print badges that have names on both sides, you don’t have that annoying…it always flip to the wrong side folks. It always flip.

Cathy: It’s a roll.

Reid: So, what I will sometimes do is I’ll write my name on the other side or I’ll put my business cards on the other side that also have my…my name’s pretty, you can read it from a little bit far away. But again, you know, figure out your own ways of upgrading those systems so that you can take more advantage of the things that you mentioned.

Cathy: Yeah. And if you do have a lanyard with names on both sides, I put my business cards in between so they don’t block one side. Coz the more you can anchor with people because I’m not an extrovert like Reid is, people usually remember him the first time. He’s like this big, bouncy, fun guy. I’m quieter. I need people to get to know me more gradually like I have, I make an impression I think over time more. And the more you can do that, the more can use the time to introduce, you’re introduced to people and help them anchor who you are. The faster you’re gonna get known and the better impact you can have on your business in the world.

Reid: Hope this video is helpful. What are your some interesting name tag hacks you have to suggest?

Cathy: Yes.

Cathy: At camp, Sex Geek Summer Camp which Reid respond amazing event there were lot of talks about people were talking about micro aggressions were and how to make people feel valued and welcomed. I don’t meddle a lot or talked to that really well. And one question we have is what is the difference about micro aggression and genuine expression for instance if one person always says you get to hang out with me which is a minor devaluation versus that’s just how I feel. How do you term the difference between micro aggression and genuine expression? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ I’m curios explain more the example you just gave or define micro aggression to the audience.

Cathy:  Micro aggression means baby put down might not be seen as that by general society some of us not knowing to look for it. But then overtime can wear people down so just small…

Reid: For you as somebody of woman of size ‘oh my goodness those clothes looks amazing on your shape “over and over again. There could be an assumption that what things aren’t supposed to look good on bodies like this or for me I’ve got a lot of wow you’re really smart for a jack back in high school. It’s kind of felt like a compliment but the assumption was jacks aren’t smart.

Cathy: I’ve gotten you’re really smart for a female engineer and there not huge aggression were I felt physically threatened it’s just like wow that’s kind of a put down. One may not be a big deal but if you hear it 3 to 5 days a time over time its start to wear people down. So there’s a lot of discussion about how there’s a lot of micro aggression of our society towards people of colors, people of size.  I’m curious if you have a friend that always feels like they are letting you hang out with them were mutually hang out together or someone feels they’re always saying don’t go off you got to hang out with me. Which feels like a minor devaluation like I’m allowing you to hang out with me I’m not valuing the relationship as much as you do. Is that a micro aggression or a genuine expression of what they feel, how do you define the difference between those two.

Reid: They can be both like you can think somebody is genuinely articulate and the micro aggression is people like me can’t be articulate or smart or this or that. And so I think in some ways is the micro aggression is determined by the person that’s landing on because the other way to think about it again this is just my thoughts. There are people that way smarter about this you do some goggling and find some people smarter than me about micro aggression in their area of expertise. But the idea of If I were to say oh my goodness you’re so smart I loved how you loved Math and I didn’t like land on you…

Cathy: I hope you didn’t say to a woman that wouldn’t land on.

Reid: But a man saying that to a woman. There’s also the other piece that lands to a person, there’s kind of dynamic however specially for me for a cisgender white guy what has been useful is to understand that what a micro aggression is and to have more awareness of what I’m saying and if I feel like genuinely complimenting somebody or it’s more about the weariness on how things land on people and how I was saying, where is this coming from? Because culture rules so much of us, influenced so much of this and then of course there’s also huge power dynamics involved. So back to your question of if somebody feels like they’re letting somebody have access to something that is true to them they can be a micro aggression. In a corporate world or something if a company gives you a job is that a micro aggression?

Cathy: But if a friend tells me we can get to hang out with me sometimes it feels very either passive aggressive or kind of devaluation of who I am that they don’t want to hang out with me as much I want to hang out with them. They’re allowing me or permitting me to spend time with their presence.

Reid: I don’t know that I understand anything example as much probably everyone else does wow were not getting.

Cathy:  No. It could be I’m not explaining well but I just…

Reid: Here’s a good example if you have a little sister or a little brother right?  I know you have siblings and you let them go to the movies with you and your older friends, is that a micro aggression?

Cathy: I think for children not so much.

Reid: And do you have people that you care about that you don’t want them around you all the time?

Cathy: Certainly.

Reid: So when you let them hang out with you, you make an exception or invite you along for something and you have a preference that maybe you didn’t want them near, is that you being or a micro aggressive?

Cathy: I maybe more passive aggressive if I let it out as if they don’t matter to me very much or I’m doing a little favor.

Reid: And what if you, you were doing it a favor?

Cathy: And I think it’s about time to reevaluate the relationship especially if it’s happening a lot.

Reid: That sounds fair.

Cathy: What do you think? Do you understand the concept? What are your thoughts about it? We love to hear.

Reid: Comments. Leave comments.

Cathy: So, where is the boundary between other people’s need to feel special and my consent? This is Reid Mihalko from www.ReidAboutSex.com

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from www.TheIntimacyDojo.com

Cathy: You do remember who I am?

Reid: Yes I do but this is a good question, read the question again.

Cathy: Some people have a very strong need to feel special and where is the boundary between their need to feel special and my consent when they want to feel special from me?

Reid: If their need to feel special is something they can’t get met? Like just in general whoever that is or however that is, right? Coz lots of ways to make somebody feels special. Like I have a huge need to    feel special so in ironic twist I tend to date women when I date women who don’t date men. So if you’re dating me I must be special oh my god that is so simple, so sub consciousness simple.

Cathy: So where this came up was someone who’s coming to an event I was part of I was helping run very articulately and insightfully recognize that they had the need to feel special and they were asking for a lot of special accommodations and exceptions and I’m looking for where the boundary is like I do like people to feel special but I’m not always feeling consensual and were …

Reid: They were trying to get well is not so but it was really a question of you wanting to be kind but also not taking care giving good no.

Cathy: Right. When I run an event I very much care about everyone feeling special and well taking care of but when one person is asking for a lot more exceptions and accommodations sometimes they’re pulling energy that I would have spent to the event and it’s not always consensual.

Reid: Okay. So there need for attention…

Cathy: And special exceptions was beyond what I was willing to do and they’re acknowledging that they need to feel special.

Reid: And in this situation when did you stop being good in giving good no? 

Cathy: I think that for me when I’m running an event I want to make everybody feel safe and I don’t k now where the no, where I, where it’s…

 Reid: Well the way I will handle is and again this is just my advice take it or leave it is most people, my belief is that most people wants to be seen and heard first. And we could talk about systems of power structure and institutionalize system of where things are not cool but somebody can ask for a special treatment and you can thank them for speaking up coz you realize in a world how important it is for people to use their words and you can still be kind and compassionate no. Now that may not leave them feeling special coz they didn’t get the yes that would prove that you’ll go out with me so I am special coz you don’t date men but you can be present with them which leaves them feeling seen. Then for an event organizer perspective you’re juggling bandwidth and spinning plates and try to keep it falling apart which is in an event organizer, party runner or whatever it is that your job on Thanksgiving dinner and everything is going to hell that bandwidth situation is just a bandwidth situation but if you try to be kind to people and make a lot of exceptions rather than being kind and saying no and you’re a no. I think that’s what we all get tricky coz I do it too. We teach these stuff and I still I stretch the rubber bands too much and it snaps.

Cathy: it was challenging for me coz I don’t want to disperse when I feel very safe cared about I want it everyone out there in the event to feel that way and the request is not always request they were like this was happened or I need this.

Reid: Well I think that is this must happened sometimes to people coming from a fear place and it has a certain kind of energy versus I could x line and see and be okay with it but I just not gonna needs for being special meet. Or if you have the bandwidth and you notice what’s going on this person is one of the reasons is that person said they haven’t need of feeling special.

Cathy: That was really insightful and brilliant…

Reid: Did you think to ask them and again when we’re running event you’ll have the bandwidth to be creative as always but ask them if there’s anything else that you could do that will leave them feeling special.

Cathy: But I also felt that I wasn’t at that point I was already feeling a little bit drained by that person and so I didn’t feel like it was my job to make them feel that special like above the other people. So it didn’t feel consensual I already feeling that it crossed my boundaries somewhat but I wasn’t really sure how to…

Reid: So here’s the rub when we coz I’ve done this as facilitators I’m like oh please I welcome anyone to ask. You can always make your request and that’s when we get fucked. Why keep you making request? So maybe what’s more accurate is you’re all welcome I invite you all to make no more than 5 request.

Cathy: I do loved when people make request it just felt like someone is trying to get something from me that we have the scoop of running the events and I wasn’t the yes of what they were requiring at considering you’re the vent organizer you must do this.

Reid: Did you talk a therapist about this issue? You can see her face, she’s like. But this is like, this is s a human thing we are all have family members that makes request so many of people in our lives that needs  to feel special. We wanted to encourage to speak up but then you say that and then there are people that just won’t shut up and then how do we navigate?

Cathy: I was just bringing the discussion coz I thought it was a good thing.

Reid: No what do you think? We don’t always have the answers. What do you think? Is that a good way to handle that kind of situation or dynamic?

Cathy: That leaves people feeling special and respective but also as a person…

Reid: A lot of tricks to take care of your boundaries which also train other people what can they expect.  Teach us [in audible] Leave comments please.

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, we talked how not to fall in love but how we extricate yourself when you realize you’re not with your species really bad fit but those cocaine addiction chemicals is still happily trapping through the system. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: It’s a great question!

Reid: Wooh!  You know you have a drug problem but you can’t seem to quit.

Cathy: What is very addictive? It’s a lovely feeling when you find someone do that, when you connecting to you broken through the social fears when you’re right there. And you’re like bad fit but I want that high feeling though convenient.

Reid: Well there’s also things for further complex for a lot of people. We don’t know their situation but maybe they’re already moved in. I lived in New York City for 20 years and it’s like people fall in love and move immediately just to save or cut down their living expenses because the city is so expensive. There could be financial situation or kids involved. I had some amazing friend of mine, single moms and single dads who didn’t want to break up because the relationship the child was having with other adults was what the kid needed. Right, so I’m just saying. Things are often sometimes way more complex than just the chemical high. And one of the, we take that into account because sometimes my advice don’t speak for yours, it’s very simplified. But we need to acknowledge and try to be kind and compassionate as much as we can for how the chemistry can also be having well of a system well situation is complex. That being said my biggest piece for the healthiness of the relationship even when you’re stoned is can we talk about this? Do you have your exercise your muscles in that relationship to be able to talk about what you are afraid to talk about and can you have those conversations in a pretty emotionally high IQ, treat people kindly even when you’re having the feels. If you can have those kind of conversations and navigate them that’s the most important thing coz eventually the high will wear off and you at least both be able to have conversations sober about the bad fit and then what to do next.

Cathy: And I’m curious too when you say it’s really a bad fit are you looking at it.. what’s your concept about the relationship looks like because they may be wonderful fit for friends with benefits or you can redefine what you’re looking for you might actually be able to keep you out just night in the good parts still fit and it may go to somebody’s expectation of the things that don’t fit. If you decide that this is just somebody who should not have in your life handling it off and not re-experiencing that high with them is really important as well as trying to get some dopamine, some chemicals to your system and other ways when you go to massages, invite friends that can drag you in the host to have a good times but that will help offset a little bit of the chemical responses is very strong. Re-experiencing with them just increases the bonding where you reminding your body you can get some of the oxytocin from other ways can really help alleviate it doesn’t go away unfortunately but it can alleviate some of them drop.

Reid: A transition or a break up is going to impact you and the biggest thing is to just understand that a lot of people rather than handle the hangover have a rebound relationship so be mindful that get your  monkey needs in your dopamine and serotonin fixes from your friends and from social activity. Start a new hobby that a social hobby that will probably not computer coding but like dance partner dance or something like that and hang out with your friends and that will ease often the feels and the withdrawals and be up on your grieving protocols. Like how can you grief and do better self-care for yourself coz my parents didn’t teach me how to grieve and American culture is horrible about it. So making up on those things, is it Brené Brown?

Cathy: Yeah, she’s great.

Reid: Maybe distract yourself by reading and learning and be tough on those the information and tools that will help you get through things that’s really useful for me.

Cathy: And recommend in bad relationship program not seeing that person, you’re not going to see each other for 3 to 6 months.

Reid: And I will tell you right now it’s 3 to 6 months I really tell people at least a year, don’t see each other for year that is the best advice I can give you.

Cathy: Which is harder if you’re in the same social community.

Reid: And most people can’t agree to a year so I tend to say 3 to 6 months but I’m telling you it’s a year just trust my advice. And under no circumstances supposed to be breaking up try to have sex with that person. I’m trying to quit this drug but I will just a little, no don’t be like that, don’t do that. Culture key is often the hardest it’s like do go back to the dentist 4x to pull you wisdom teeth without half each way pull the whole thing. Usually, if it’s truly you are destined to not be living in lovers and partners but fuck buddies forever you can transition that but it’s a little bit tricky but it can be done and which in that case probably just can’t remember some advice or even a coaching session or something that’s a little bit more than we could talk about.

Cathy: And one thing I really want to encourage you loved that you have the consciousness that is a bad fit now a lot of people are lost in the chemical they don’t notice those things. Sadly a lot of people wait enough blood and resembles between the two of them and then push them a part that’s a big waste of time and energy for both people and you’re not interacting with other people during that time. So if it’s not a good fit it’s better to pull the bandaid out.

Reid: You don’t have to crash and burn and walk away and do something and sort of respect and you can do it earlier and consciously and still going to suck sometimes. And that’s being grown up. Comments, leave some comments.

Cathy: Do we entail your question or did this help?

Reid: Subscribe show this video you your friends.

Cathy: We have new comment. Hey peeps, running for a dear friend who had a classic narcissistic partner with who have been lying to her for years. A lot something major, it’s a long story. I’m looking for advice about psychological response to experiencing betrayal and the loss of abusive addictive relationship. How can someone flame of bad relationships of their self-talks than can find strength to pick up and move forward. Tough question I realized. Love you, I love your channel so much. I’m always sad when there’s part two and not post yet. You’re so thoughtful.

Reid: Thank you for saying nice things about us.

Cathy: Yes, of course you will answer the question. We do really appreciate people writing in. I love that you care about your friend and you pretty much thought into this and there’s definitely some things you can do to help and I also want to suggest that if someone’s been in an abusive relationship or a controlling relationship for a number of years, there’s going to be a period of grieving and a period of just kind of feeling the feels. Sometimes we want to fix things as opposed to just be there with them and encouraging them to take the steps to help them not repeat the pattern is wonderful and it’s also okay just to give space if they asked to feel a little.

Reid: This is Cathy Vartulli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/.

Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from https://ReidAboutSex.com/.

Reid: That was a really good question that we forgot to do our little intro.

Cathy: No wonder you were smiling on me.

Reid: We forgot. First off, if this person can avail themselves of therapy, please get a therapist or advise your friend to get a therapist so they have somebody else to talk to. So you as their friend get to cheer them on and support them as well.

Cathy: I’m just saying not necessarily trying to fix them.

Reid: Oh no, not at all. And that grieving and having feelings going to happen when you have find out about betrayal or lying. Sometimes people lie for reasons that they think are perfectly legitimate reasons. So you have feelings whether it’s a relationship with narcissistic or not. If your friend is geeky enough to go and look for resources and type in narcissist in amazon and there’s a lot of books there and the ones that have great reviews. I’m not an expert in this particular area so I don’t have a book that I read that I can recommend but there’s a lot of resources out there to orient yourself to what’s happening and get better resources and tools so that you or your friend so that we can feel more empowered and less shameful being in a f*cked up situation.

Cathy: When I have clients that gone through some betrayals in relationships, I realized that if you can give them a little space to want to check on things if they’ve been really disappointed someone’s really gone bad that way, it’s harder to trust people and for them to need to check in and reassured especially if you can do it in a way that makes them feel empowered like that can be really healing. It’s like if you encouraged them to ask for what they need rather than ask you directly. Because sometimes if someone has been intrude, they won’t want to ask for needs, they want to hint them. If you say, it sounds like you’re asking for reassurance to be clear about what kind of reassurance you like.

Reid: The way that occurs to me is that I often ask people in a conversation like what hat you want me wearing right now. Do I have my fixing hat, am I your cheerleader? Do you want somebody who’s on your side being how dare them? Let’s go find them and kick them in the sheens. Like what role do you want me playing right now in this dynamic? That can be really helpful because then you’re helping the other person figure out what they need and ideally, you don’t have the wrong hat on cause when I mistake somebody needs fixing Reid and I’m trying to fix it that’s not what they need, that just makes it worse and people who are in pain then shut down. That approach to me is really, really helpful and empowering others to find their words.

Cathy: I found emotional freedom techniques or people taught tapping your EFT was very powerful for me to release all the drama I had. There’s different techniques out there, different ways to release some of the energetic trauma.

Reid: Hope this was helpful. Let us know how it goes if that feel appropriate. Leave comments. Other people resources if you had experience like this would help you get through it. Hit subscribe.

Cathy: What’s the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship? This is Yoni Alkan from http://www.ElementsOfSexuality.com/.

Yoni: And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ and we’re here today to talk about different types of relationships.

Cathy: And it’s so fun to dig into and see what other people think. Figure out where you might fit.

Yoni: Yeah because every person has their own rules and what they do and what they don’t do. You ask what’s the difference between open relationship and polyamory but I think that in order to talk about that let’s talk for a second about monogamy which is the standard, the default in our society nowadays. Basically, monogamy says that you are with one person and you are only with them both body and soul if you want to talk about it that way and that means that you don’t have sexual contact with other people and you don’t plan on having deep relationships with other people.

Cathy: And different people have fence. Some people are okay to have emotionally deep relationships and some people like no that’s mine.

Yoni: Yeah. As always what you define as a relationship changes from person to person so that also changes. That’s monogamy. When you keep a monogamy but you do have sexual contact to whatever degree with other people that is called an open relationship. You have one partner that is your main partner but you do have sexual contact, again to whatever extent with other people and that’s an open relationship. As opposed to polyamory that means that you have multiple relationships with a few people. You can have sex with those people, you can only have relationship with those people, you can have sex with people outside of that poly relationship or you can keep the sex only inside your, what’s called a polycule. Only the people who are polyamorous with one another that is called poly-fidelity. That means you’re poly but not open. Think about it.

Cathy: No. it’s great. I really like talking about this because the community I was hanging out with, they talked about open meaning of the non-monogamous kind of an umbrella term for monogamous. Where we’re using as a, your group using it as a definition different from poly ot non-monogamous. It’s not an umbrella term.

Yoni: Right and usually a lot of people use poly as an umbrella term and that’s not exact and I want to be exact and say there’s a difference between polyamory and sexually open relationships and using Poly as an umbrella term, I don’t like to do that. I usually use CNM which is consensual non-monogamy but each person I’ve heard ethical non-monogamy or alternative relationships. Each person finds their own.

Cathy: Dossie Easton’s book, The Ethical Slut is a great one for that. I think it’s important for you if you are listening, notice what resonates for you. Like oh yeah, I want to have one partner that I’m in love with and I’m planning retirement. We’re just the two of us working plan where we live and what jobs we take but we can sleep with other people versus U want to plan without several people I want to have in my life for the rest of my life and we’re going to plan together as either as a group or individual connections. We’re going to plan things together and more deep relationships.

Yoni: Right and each one of them can take so many different ways and forms and each person finds their own way, each relationship sorry, finds their own way. It’s just very so much, we might say that Poly and open are umbrella terms of themselves.

Cathy: Yeah and as it becomes more popular, some people are more comfortable with it. We can talk about it more. There might be some shifts in the languaging but just part of this having a dialogue about it, I think is powerful. I wish I knew about some of this stuffs when I was younger, some relationships that concluded very badly would probably been very healthy and loving if I have some other definitions of how I could but I just had you must marry and  have kids, both be heterosexual and it was I love being less limited.

Yoni: Yeah and these subjects are so huge, we talk about them and we talked about them extensively and how to do it because it’s not simple but it’s definitely doable.

Cathy: So we’d love to know what you think. Can you leave some comments below or any question you have? What’s coming up for you when you hear these definitions?

Yoni: Yeah. What makes you cringe or what makes you excited about it? Thank you

Cathy: What is relationship anarchy? And how do you use it in your life if you want to? This is Yoni Alkan from http://www.ElementsOfSexuality.com.

Yoni: And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/.

Cathy: So, we are having dinner and we’re talking about this and I find really fascinating. We’re talking about a definition of types of relationships. What’s relationship anarchist?

Yoni: Right. So, relationship anarchy is basically people who don’t want to define the relationship by the standard…

Cathy: Picket fence to nap kids, two-car garage.

Yoni: Right that’s one definition but even people who define themselves as non-monogamous as open relationship or swingers or polyamorous or even this is boyfriend, this is my partner, they just want to define each person and the relationship between them in its own unique way.

Cathy: I get that. My best friend Rick and I have a very romantic relationship. People go out, people think we’re married, we think it’s cute like we don’t get that. It’s fun but we’re not sexual but we have a very deep and loving relationship. I don’t have a word for it.

Yoni: And that’s the thing with relationship anarchy, you don’t have to have a word for it because you define for each person and you can also just not define at all but you define for each person that particular relationship and this is a good question for everyone, what is a relationship? What constitutes a relationship for you? What constitutes as a sexual relationship? What constitutes as emotional? As lifelong relationship? It really differs from person to person. Relationship anarchy is a relatively new term and I don’t define myself as a relationship anarchist so I can’t delve deeper but please Google it and read about it. There’s ask Google. Search online, you will get a lot of information from different places so please go ahead.

Cathy: And if you’re watching this knows a great resource, a good place to look, please leave your comments below. We love that. Or questions you have. Thanks so much for sharing. I love new words. It’s like so geeky.

Yoni: Thank you, Cathy.

Cathy: Bye.

Cathy: I’m here today with Yoni Alkan from http://www.ElementsOfSexuality.com/ and we just had this amazing dinner where we’re talking about the types of non-monogamous relationships and we wanted to share some of the ideas that you and I shared. This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Yoni: I’m Yoni Alkan from http://www.ElementsOfSexuality.com/ and we were taking about different types of non-monogamy and there are endless types because you basically do whatever you want but I usually break it down into four different types; swinging, sexually open relationships, polyamorous relationships and relationship anarchy.

Cathy: I’m very curious about the relationship anarchy but first can you give a little bit of a detail about each of the 4?

Yoni: Yeah sure. And again this is a breakdown, this is not 100% each person does it their own way but basically this is what we’re talking about.

Cathy: There’s fireworks in the background.

Yoni: Yeah and a running cat. So, basically, swinging is usually done in a couple with other people either switching or adding more people and it’s an activity done as a couple usually.

Cathy: I know some swingers that are single and participate in the community.

Yoni: True, true and that’s the important part that there’s a community. It’s a whole social thing and it’s a big thing. It’s more popular than you think. Sexually open relationships are basically on monogamy just a partnership just like any other but they have or may have sexual relations with other people outside of the relationship as supposed to polyamory which is multiple relationships at the same time, might be. When you’re polyamorous that means that you can have different partners from different sexes or genders or orientations or what not..

Cathy: Depth of relationship.

Yoni: Depth of relationship and it really there’s an endless amount of variations and each person does it their own way but basically, the idea is more than one partner is possible real relationship not just sexual relationship and relationship anarchy is the fourth kind in my point of view which is basically people who don’t want to define what kind of relationship they have like having a boyfriend. What does that mean? I don’t even know what boyfriend, girlfriend means. Wife is a social construct. Lover, they don’t want to talk about it that way. They’d rather say oh this is this kind of person that I see once a month and I don’t have sex with but we are so close and we talk about deep emotional stuffs. This is another per person that I live with and they’re my roommates and we have sex every now and then but they’re not close enough emotionally to be what other people considered to be a partner. Each relationship is define by its own rules and sometimes no rules at all. No definition at all. They just want to do what they want.

Cathy: I think definitions are really useful because one they let us explore what we want if we understand what other people are but they can be restricting because you’re trying to fit into bins just like male, female, binary like we all get to be who we are and like what we like. It doesn’t have to fit into bin to be okay. I was really interesting hearing your examples because I used to find swinger more as I don’t have to know your name to fuck you and polayamory as someone when I have a heart connection with you to fuck you. So it’s interesting hearing your additions.

Yoni: And a great question for you guys to ask yourselves is, what is a relationship? How do I define a relationship? I’ve asked this question so many people and each person gives different definition and that’s quite.

Cathy: Maybe we’ll shoot a video?

Yoni: Yeah maybe. That’s a good idea. If you’d like to see a video, please leave it in the comments and we’ll look at it.

Cathy: How about we come back and talk a little about Poly versus open cause I’d like to get little and maybe another video on anarchy cause I..

Yoni: Hmm, really spunky. Yeah, we can do that.

Cathy: We’re not anarchy. We’re not blowing anything up.

Yoni: Yeah, yeah, no.

Cathy: Please leave comments below. Let us know what you think? How do you define the different types of non-monogamy?

Yoni: Yeah, great. Thank you!

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said what do I do with my eroticism and my personal politics collide such as feminists who likes to be called girl by her lovers or black American who likes to be tied up and help captive for a little while. Am I broken? This is Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com/.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com/. Who wrote this in, you awesome person for writing in questions?

Cathy: We love it when you’re writing questions and you’re always welcome to leave them in a private messages.

Reid: Good lord! They’re going to be writing in questions like what’s going on with his hair in this video.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: Alright. Question, answer. Go!

Cathy: So, realize that because you find something erotic doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your politics. You can definitely deserve to be treated equally and as important as a female or a person of color and still enjoy different things in the bedroom. It’s okay to explore different experiences or find different things erotic, doesn’t mean that you’re violating politics.

Reid: What is erotic is often bad which is taboo or verboten or forbidden or off-kilter or maybe not even politically correct or any of those things. What turns you on is simply what turns you on and your brain is one of your biggest sexual organs. You’re allowed to have all of your politics and then have “transgressive” stuff be a turn-on in bed and you’re allowed to like that it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

Cathy: I also personally think I was abused as a child and sometimes exploring some of those energies consciously in a container, lets us understand them better. It doesn’t mean that we want to be abused, it just means that understanding the energies of that can be really intriguing.

Reid: Or an active reclamation. You’re intentionally playing with those energies as a choice rather than having stop forces.

Cathy: Yeah or you can stop it or change it or influence how it goes.

Reid: So, while we’re not psychologist or doctors nor we play ones on the internet, you are not broken. We have concluded our diagnosis that you are completely human and awesome. Please leave more comments and questions.

Cathy: Thanks so much for asking these kind of questions. I know they are very vulnerable and they’re tough to look at but when you ask it, thousands of people, other people get to hear the answer and maybe those are too shy to ask or some don’t have the clarity to tell that question right now.

Reid: What do you think? Food for thought. Share your opinions internet.

Cathy: Another question from the viewer. If I pull out is it okay if I cum on the pussy and just stick it back in. This is Reid from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Oh, Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/.

Reid: Yeah, we did this on the last video. It’s okay. You all know that I’m Reid, you know that’s Cathy. Ei, we’re good. What’s not good is ejaculating on somebody’s vulva if what is important to you is not getting pregnant or exposing them more to STI risks. The real quick thing, we have a lots of videos about safe sex and whatnot, one of the great things about using condoms, usually when they’re working properly, they’re a really great sperm catcher and a really great body fluids catcher. What is happening is you are lowering your risks of exposure to certain STIs and STDs because the fluid isn’t coming in contact with the mucous membranes and whatnot of the next person. You’re also when wearing a condom not allowing any of their fluids to enter your urethra for those penis owners out there.  When you pull out, we’re assuming this person’s not wearing condom because you could have sex with condom, pullout and take the condom off and then cum on somebody that is a move. Very complex and complicated, that’s a lot to do. But let’s assume here in this question, we’re assuming they’re not wearing a condom. So you’re now exposed skin to skin, fluid to fluid contact.

Cathy: I’m pretty sure this is on the one where you’re talking about..

Reid: Okay so this more about not getting somebody pregnant. Human ejaculate anywhere there the vulva increases your risk of getting sperm inside the vagina and to where it could reach.

Cathy: And having small child.

Reid: And having one of the most common, a common sexually transmitted infection which is pregnancy.

Cathy: We’re going to get comments for that!

Reid: This is an 18-year, those who are not readers this is an 18-year sexual.. So unintended pregnancy basically just want to keep the semen away from the vagina and zygote as you can. When you come on a vulva while that is can be erotic and really hot for a lot of people, it’s still possible for semen to get into the vagina. That’s the real thing.

Cathy: In terms of reducing chances of pregnancy, orgasm, cumming in her stomach. If she is yes for her face.

Reid: Or their, or if you are sleeping with somebody who’s Trans, who is as a man doesn’t have vulva, still be cool. So I think that’s it.

Cathy: Not safe for avoiding pregnancies. Hope this helps, please leave comments below.