Cathy: How do you get comfortable enough in your own skin, to start fighting for others and standing up when you see injustice? This is Jimanekia Eborn http://www.facebook.com/JimmyEborn and I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ thanks for sharing this.

Jimanekia: Thank you for having me. Um, being comfortable is something that is never comfortable.

Cathy: Yes.

Jimanekia: It’s something you work on every day, it’s taken me at least three years to get where I am right now and that took a lot of crying, a lot of meditation, a lot of journaling, and a lot of time in my room alone listening to all of my favorite emo songs, and watching sad movies. It’s hard, it’s scary.

Cathy: But I think it’s a journey at least from my experience, like as a big woman speaking up and starting to say “hey this is not okay to treat people that way and you’re human too even if we have more fat or so whatever” for me it was a journey where I had to keep being with a discomfort, but I didn’t have to do it all over night. Was that your experience as well?

Jimanekia: I feel like with me growing up I was raised by my grandparents um and that’s already being raised in a totally different generation I remember I didn’t date a lot um just because I just didn’t feel like it so my mom would always ask me you’re not a lesbian are you? And I feel like no okay so I just don’t want to date anyone little little little forward little queer now.

Cathy: Yeah, right here too yeah.

Jimanekia: But I felt like everything I always had to keep pushed down because I was always worried that I would be questioned for it. And even within my own sexuality, um luckily we oddly I was always given like books that I could read some of the big reader which allowed me to find myself in reading and learning my body and everything and getting into college. When I was like oh I’m comfortable like having sex with people. People like “Oh your slut”. I’m like, “No I don’t, no. I mean no my safe sex checked all the time”. and I knew who I was having sex with, but other people always say it is oh you’re just a slut all right cool fast forward again. So where I’m at today a sex educator that tells people has much sex as you want but I use protection. it’s been a hard transition to finding my own comfort in my own skin, to be able to say you’re allowed to feel aroused, you’re allowed to have sexual pleasure, as a woman of color you’re allowed to do whatever you want and hold your own voice and not be yelled at saying “oh you’re just bitch are you just opinionated” I am opinionated.

Cathy: Yeah, and you’re allowed to have your opinion.

Jimanekia: Yeah Yeah, you are and you’re allowed to take control of your own body and I feel like um for me in this whole election time be very honest and vulnerable it’s been really hard for me dating. Looking back on who our future president will be in some days like 12days, I think there’s been a loud or outcry of racism and so for me, I have dated a lot of Caucasian men and for me I just feel unsafe now. Um as a woman of color I do get fetishize a lot um and I think it’s gotten more heightened, and so I’m just like “oh no I’m good” but just until I can personally find my strength and that now. Now that’s what I’m working on I just unless I already know you and I feel safe with you I’m just not wanting to be bothered. So that’s scary

Cathy: It does seem like more people or as a woman of size I have a lot of videos out there and I’ve always gotten some nasty comments, but it just seemed like a just a number of nasty comments just pure blatant like spiteful means comments have definitely got up in the last few months. And I like it does make

Jimanekia: Yeah, I think I’m good triple for me way too comfortable with this nonsense. It’s harder but it’s feasible and obtainable. If you want it bad enough you find a way to make yourself happy and comfortable in your own skin. you got to find it works meditation worked for me every day hours on top of hours, and it didn’t always work out sometimes I feel like this is stupid I can’t stop talking but it’s feasible you can find comfort in your own skin to be able to help others find comfort.

Cathy: Yeah, I mean it’s okay to do it baby steps and take breaks like you said and take care of yourself and I like to turn to have some really great community you’re part of it it’s like um you know people i can go “oh my god what just happened?” and a guy and then we can rally and say “hey this is not okay” and I think sometimes it’s the quieter voice that just quietly says no no no like or this is what happened and I’ve been trying to be a bigger voice at work to which I’ve always kept very separate my day job versus my you know any activism I do I’ve always kept it very separately and separate. And now it’s like nope if someone says even you know like no do you know that this is what the case is and I’d rather have people if I can say it kindly and you know some days are easier than others okay start educating people more because I think there’s a lot of people that..

Cathy: So Reid, someone just wrote in and said that obviously if it’s a pile of people in a play party or pile of people at a cuddle party you can just join in anytime you want.

Reid: Who wrote that? This Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Bring them to me.

Cathy: So, they were replying me and talked about and said to say how to ask to be part of this, part of something. And I want to emphasize that it’s not okay just to join in any, ever with sex or cuddling or touch. Unless you have blanket permission from people beforehand.

Reid: In which case that means you’ve already negotiated that it’s okay to do that. If you went to a restaurant you saw a table of eight and there was a ninth chair, just because people are together in groups is not an invitation for you to sit down and start eating their food. And again like we live in a culture where how we talk about consent is very weird “culture” gives us really bad information about navigating modern day the modern day world and there are so many now alternative communities from especially around sexuality or even just touching intimacy from cuddle party to swingers and kink BDSM to Polyamory to queer play parties to straight play parties to like there’s a whole gamut and range of alternative cultures or you know subcultures where they might have their own rules.

Cathy: Right, so how do I say no in a play party? If I’m going to play party in someone like the person that wrote in just assumes they can come up and start touching, how do I say no?

Reid: Well, what you shouldn’t do is go ‘Alala” don’t do that because that’s just annoying because that was probably annoying. What you can do is say “excuse me, I didn’t hear you ask for permission”.

Cathy: Looks like hi.

Reid: Hi. So, I like it when people ask and give me space for saying yes or no.

Cathy: Oh, I’m sorry.

Reid: Before they touch me.

Cathy: Okay, What other else can you do? Hey …

Reid: Hi. (removes Cathy’s hand)

Cathy: And what if I don’t have a voice like a lot of people are shyer, and they may have had bad experience.

Reid: Do it again. (removes Cathy’s hand)

Cathy: Okay, what if you have trouble doing that.

Reid: Try again. That’s the cat response. Why are you keep doing this?

Cathy: I thought [Inaudible 00:02:39]. One thing I do is if I feel I’m much better at it now but when I was first going to events I couldn’t always say “no” I was like “ah” so I would excuse myself I have to use the restroom, I have to drink of water, “Oh someone’s looking for me” I would make an excuse because I felt kind of pinned in the corner and ideally we can use our words and saying I don’t remember saying yes to that or I prefer you ask before you touch. And if I couldn’t it’s much better to take care of yourself and get away go talk to someone and say “hey listen” but you often play parties will have either lifeguards on duty or something like that you can go and talk to one of them or the first in organizing,”hey that person was touching me and I didn’t know what to say” and maybe that person knew or then they can get upgraded.

Reid: Yeah, I mean the observation is that it can be tough to learn how to speak up especially if you have a life history where your voice was kind of silenced or taken away from you or you were taught to endure things you didn’t like. A lot of us grow up in families where we had to endure our parents fighting or bullshitty adult behavior and we were young and we’re just trying to like not upset anyone further and you know Betty Martin who’s a great teacher and educator talks about how we’ve all had our diapers changed when we didn’t want to or picked up and put in the shopping cart or the stroller when we didn’t want to. You know so we have to be suspicious about our own well developed ability to tolerate things and kind of not notice them. And when you think about that and realize how many people have gotten really good at tolerating things, one of the biggest things you might arrive at if you do the math is oh me stopping and asking for you to say yes or no me asking for permission before I do anything with you or inviting you to say yes or no to something because it doesn’t always have to be like “hey may I touch you? It can be like you know “would you like to touch me or would you would you like me to rub your shoulder?”

Cathy: Right, or could we just flirt just for a few minutes?

Reid: Yeah, those interactions are so strange, because we were never taught to do that most of us. But when you actually do the math about what people are struggling with.

Cathy: It could make a huge difference.

Reid: Makes a huge difference so ideally in a perfect world the person’s like “oh, ah” or “oh crap, I didn’t ask I’m sorry I’m a touchy feely person. And please accept my apology but I love to connect with you and do it physically may I touch your shoulder?”

Cathy: Oh, Yeah. Just being asked that way is like “cool”.

Reid: It changes it. And bonus points if you can do it in a way that really gives them energetically if you’re woo. The space to say yes or no like I’m really inviting you to say no if you are no. Which again if you do the math meaning encouraging the other person to say “no” even if it stings creates a situation where if they say no to me, even in this world with so many people tolerating things and don’t want to upset anybody. But now that you’ve said no to me that means I can trust your future yes more than if I “please say yes. I don’t want to be disappointed I don’t want to be disappointed”

Cathy: Should you ever follow your intuitive yes, when you’re touching someone? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: My intuitive this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/. Yes, come to me now, right intuitive.

Cathy: So, I was at a play party and I loved going to play parties, just to be reminded of the joy of people touching each other and enjoying sex. And I also get to practice my Yes and No’s and it’s like kind of like doing climbing the Himalayas to me, it’s not always very easy but it’s often very growth inducing.

Reid: And you might lose a finger or toe, I don’t know?

Cathy: No, No it’s challenging.

Reid: Oh, it’s Challenging I thought frostbite is not for it.

Cathy: Generally, not play party I’ve been but, I don’t know what she was saying so.
I was of a play party and this gentleman and I had a nice dialogue earlier in the day. And we felt there was a kinship and our beliefs, and we were at the play party and he asked to cuddle, I said yes. And we’re cuddling and all of a sudden, like we’re cuddly for a few minutes and then it was just this hmm..

Reid: Boob.

Cathy: And I was like that’s not cuddling. And he said “no” but I was going with my intuitive yes with you.

Reid: Hmm, intuitive yes hmmm…

Cathy: Don’t do that.

Reid: Well why not justify I mean again this is a white guy asking a woman justify yourself woman. But why. if I was cuddling with him and I, you know put my finger up against his butthole because my intuitive yes was telling me to, why would that be bad, Cathy? I mean it’s all about love, it’s all about connecting human growth.

Cathy: But the thing was I didn’t I felt very shut down when he did that. I was enjoying the cuddle I was starting to relax I didn’t know him very well but my body was like okay but it was like a minute later we were like he was going well past my boundaries. I shut down I pulled away from emotionally from him, and told him “no” and again getting to practices I think it’s a continuous it’s never just get super easy. I had to like as I felt like we have a good connection and I was disappointed, but I was like this is not cuddling and I think he was very upset that I shut him down.

Reid: Mm-hmm? Is there no such thing as an intuitive yes? I’m only being I’m playing devil’s advocate right now. I have my opinion but this is more for you for everyone’s benefit I hope and please don’t mistake me being playful and Cathy and I, you know, cracking jokes I mean what we’re talking about its very serious. It’s serious and that it’s the consequences and just how it makes people feel is very deep. We’re just trying to be entertaining or educating at least so please if my Cavalier nature seems like I’m disrespecting what we’re talking about it’s not my intention. I’m trying to be playful with the fact that you know some people really believe in an intuitive yes. And I’m going to challenge that.

Cathy: So, I probably. I’m probably more on the intuitive yes side than you are. But…

Reid: Explain.

Cathy: Yes, so if I played with someone a bunch of times I know they’ll speak up. I don’t necessarily check in and we know what we like with each other. The checking in every like, “Can I do this? Can I do this?” I don’t do that as much.

Reid: Okay, that’s somebody you know.

Cathy: That’s somebody I know.

Reid: So, there’s what there a relatedness is, there’s a history, and there’s a some sounds like a history of negotiation and communication.

Cathy: I knowing that person will speak up if they don’t like something or if they do like so please do this and they’ll listen to my “No” that the at that point I tend to be less strict about asking for things just kind of flowing of what feels good to both of us in the moment.

Reid: But if you’ve already negotiated it…

Cathy: We made negotiated sex but later we’re going like once we’re fool around…

Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: but I haven’t negotiated can I touch you here now?

Reid: Okay, this is what’s interesting to me. So, whoever that person is in your life, you’ve got that person, they asked you to cuddle…

Cathy: Uhuh.

Reid: Then they do the boob move.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: What’s your response?

Cathy: Um, if they if I’m relaxed enough that it feels good I probably respond nicely.

Reid: But again does that mean your definition of cuddling shifted?

Cathy: No, we’re going into something different, we’re not cuddling anymore.

Reid: But there was no check-in?

Cathy: But we’ve gone probably down that path a few times.

Reid: So, how does that make it okay?

Cathy: Um, I think..

Reid: Please speak to our audience.

Cathy: Yeah, to me if it’s doing it multiple times it doesn’t give either of us can say no at that moment but definitely to me have to be a verbal checking. Because we’ve had fun down that path before and we’ve gone down the path together before.

Reid: Okay, so what negotiation is has shifted for you?

Cathy: Yeah, there’s a relaxed ease between us and I don’t feel the need to necessarily like may I put my hand on your shoulder now may I stroke your arm now like we’ve kind of gone down the path a few times and we’re like yeah we look like going down the path.

Reid: Hmm what do you think audience about these answers? We’ve got more videos to shoot so please leave a comment. Hmm we’ve gone down this path before it’s not your first video.

Cathy: What if it is?

Reid: Well, then hit subscribe.

Cathy: If you’re merging household and determining compatibility, what are some thoughts about poly styles and goals to talk about with the partners that are merging? We want to have a really peaceful powerful group as we merge our polycules.

Reid: Polycules. Cathy Vartuli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: Reid Mihalko from https://www.ReidAboutSex.com/.

Reid: Hmmm.

Cathy: I mean, can be challenging because you get one polycule and you have the known standards and expectations and he works through the goals and boundaries and then you have another one and might not match, that there might be some flooding ahead.

Reid: Yeah. I mean, my advice I teach this in some of my relationship classes. The idea of getting really care about what’s the purpose of being in a relationship at all. And that you being a poly person who likes to have a several different swirling electrons merging too create your poly molecule, if that’s the right term you’re the chemist here but the idea of have everybody who’s part of the household sit down and get clear about why they’re in a relationship with anyone.

Cathy: And why would they want to join households? What do you want to create?

Reid: Why would you be in a household with anyone like what’s the purpose of household for you? What’s the purpose of relationship for you? And then for everybody who’s merging households, what’s the shared intention for having the household? And when I teach you some relationships around the shared intention for a relationship, it’s the idea of no matter how bad the fight or the upset this is always the place you can meet and will always be in agreement. The best example the one that I use is for people who are parents who may be are getting divorce may be not. One thing the parents can almost always agree on is to be the best parents and co-parents for each other’s children. It is rare but it does happen when you have a parent who is like, “fuck no. No, my purpose in life is to not be the best parent to my children.”

Cathy: Oops!
That’s problematic, but most parents can agree to try to show up and be a good parents and that agreement is still true no matter how much they are upset to each other. That becomes like the base camp that you can always go back to and then build out from a place of agreement as you navigate things. I would imagine in my infinite wisdom in this video only a few minutes in, pulling these answers out of my ass that the same thing could be true for a household if you have different households merging into one. What is the shared household intention that no matter how big the upset, how many times somebody puts the toilet paper on the runway or leaves the toothbrush, toothpaste cap off.

Cathy: Or drinks last of the milk.

Reid: Whose paramour, you know did whatever no matter how big the upset, what’s the one thing at least that you can all agree on that you will almost always agree on. Establish that first and then build out from there about what each other needs are for the household, the people in the household to feel loved, honored and cherished.

Cathy: And make sure that everyone is in agreement. I know sometimes like there may be a new relationship in relationship energy and it’s really exciting and you’re like, I’m going to move my new lover in but your old relationships can be like, “What? We didn’t agree of it”. I think it’s important to talk to everybody and make sure that it’s yes for you.

Reid: And then the last thing that I will drop in again which is stuff that I cover in my relationship seminars is how you are going to handle when somebody realizes there was something that we should have talked about that we didn’t know to talk about. So this is really clever stuff about retro actively like we’re going to create today. This thing that’s going to save our assets years from now, which is the idea of and this is really useful just in Poly and relationships, this is also really useful for monogamy too. We had a need for a boundary that we didn’t anticipate. It never got spoken and the reason we’re finding it out now is it has been violated.

Cathy: Yes and the audience was already upset.

Reid: What’s the protocol? If you have something established then at least you can be like, “Holy shit! It’s happening!” Look how smart we were to predict that we wouldn’t know everything and then you go into whatever your protocol is result.

Cathy: Another thing that makes me feel really safe and timing exit strategies even though you’re like getting into a relationship or going deeper why would we have that but having an exit strategy gives everybody security. Knowing what would be the size of this when we would know to decide that sort of thing and we have a video on that a few exits strategies.

Reid: Cool!

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: What do you think? Was it helpful? Was it not helpful? What did we forget? What worked really well for you? Put it in the comments!

Reid: Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Cathy: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, I’m having a hard time dating because I get really messed up when I’m interested into someone. I’m usually okay for the first couple weeks but then, either I ended up clinging or I want to run away because. I’m afraid they’re going to hurt me and I end up alone and disappointed. I have a kind of clinging pattern going on. Is it something wrong with me? What do I do? How do I get out there and really make connect? Good deep connection.
Reid: Yeah, Thank you for writing this isn’t I think it’s just the one that somebody emailed any so I talked about this in more in depth in a Facebook live video. So if you haven’t been watching. I tried to do Facebook live everyday so you could go to reidaboutsex.facebook.com/reidmihalko and that’s my personal page and you can follow me there. And then you know sometimes I get these questions really quickly because we meet and frequently. What’s your advice because there’s my post on Facebook and I’ll say some more now but I’m curious about your advice.

Cathy: Yeah, I think it’s really easy to get that push-pull like I want to be really close. I’m starving I want to don’t eat and want to consume that and I want to run away because it’s always going to fail. There’s a catch going to …to… These that a lot of people get into so if you can be just gentle with yourself and I think that people are much more stable and they’re getting their needs met in a lot of different ways. So for just relaying on just from pure physics if you’re relying and once point of stability you’re very tippy and if that person isn’t available or they’re having a bad day all of a sudden those fields of the world is kind of walked out. So if you can find other point of stability friends, Jobs, community, that you have different groups that you’re part of. You can start building a much more stable place. Where Wow.. That person is important to me and I want you it’s nice to have a love and just be.. a main part of our lives but they don’t have to be the only thing and if they’re feeling like they’re having a bad day or just not feeling particularly close because people do. they have been to flow there’s like day when I really like Reid, days I just want to just kick him out the door.

Reid: The second one is the more of those days.
Cathy: Um, but now every humans there’s a dance and sometimes were closer and so those are further away and if were only relying on that one person they start pulling away. There’s a feeling like we do need to grab on and cling or run away before we go so we don’t get hurt so much.

Reid: The analogy I use is like going food shopping. When you go food shopping hungry you tend to make poorer more poor food choices. There have been actual studies about that. So can you get your social needs met? Can you smack it with friend’s community you know going out for lunches or joining some meet up group or something like that hanging out with coworkers if you like them. Where can you get some of those social needs met and that way in dating realm you’re not so starving. And then you start like pulling at the person who’s helping you get your needs met rather than you know you kind of having your tanks more full.

Cathy: Yeah so, And just be gentle with yourself part of that a lot of people that have that clingy uhhh wanting to run away response. Might have warned it was very little. We’re trying to deal with something you’re very small child were face with a parent that wasn’t available where was to tuck’s to close. Most people don’t know boundaries. They don’t know how to give them especially to children and so we made meaning about it we made it if I don’t hold on someone’s going to leave or they’re going to suffocate me if they get too close. It’s often about something we decide. Where were very little so you can work through that there’s no therapy coaching generally hazy suggested. And also just having a lot of people in your lives too. Like
“Hey! I need a break from you for you know I don’t want to see you later today I’m just going to take care of myself and go out with my friends or kill myself space”.

Reid: Aha …. And again you can also practice when you do go on dates or hangout with those people who tend to be your main source of nutrients. Try to be intentional and go hang out with in groups with them go do something social together. So that you’re not always just doing things always alone. If doing things always alone and you’re in the situation where things are wobbly just be suspect of that. And like Cathy said if you have a lot of things from childhood that you haven’t dealt with yet. And all this may be going on in its way for the people that you hang out with like if you flip the video and think of the people that you’re dating going through these things to you might want to just have a conversation the two of you about these dynamics like watch this video together. But You I also understand if you know you have a bunch of stuff from childhood that you haven’t dealt with yet, you are unintentionally pulling on this other person with all your childhood stuff. And now that you might know that’s it’s there. I think you owe it to yourself into the word at large to go find resources to handle that because if you don’t. You don’t be perfect about it if you don’t you’re kind of forcing that it’s the other person who has to deal with it. which I think may be why people feel weird because most people don’t want a lot of pulling or to feel responsible for somebody else’s childhood stuff even if that’s not conscious it could be a feeling because again I grew up in a family where I was kind of expected to save my mom and dad. So if this person I’m dating is expecting me to save them. It’s now I’m dealing all of my parent stuff so again like remember everyone’s going through their own version of what we’re talking about how conscious can you make it? And then can you support each other and going and get those resources handled on your own because you end up unconsciously creating a therapy situation with each other which I don’t think is what dating is about.

Cathy: What do you do when you have conflicting needs Like your really tired but you also like to have sex?

Dan: I’d go to sleep

Cathy: This is Dan Powers from http://www.beyondthebedroomevents.com/
Dan: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: And it can be challenging like there I know, there’s time when I’m hungry or tired or I’m horny or tired and tired and it’s like what do I do first? Or how do I take care of myself? And when two people are both in the situation or one partner is there. It can be a conflict for the couple it’s like
“Honey I’ve been waiting for you all day, like come on I just want to go to sleep.”

Dan: Yeah! And I just recently had this issue because I’m at I was at a training workshop. And were really tired were going all day long and its late and we have to get up early to do all things. It’s like
“But we haven’t had sex in a while so let have sex”. It’s like “yeah No…” I can’t do that. Now what I do is try to schedule it and our schedules are just so busy in a way that we really have to try to schedule a time carve it out specifically in order to have sex. And I know a lot of people will say gee that’s not very spontaneous and only fun but you know if you really make it spontaneous or not spontaneous so much but you can use is as foreplay. So you say okay were going to have sex like three days from now at ten o’clock in the morning which is kind work for both of us. We schedule a time schedule that time and make sure that it’s set aside specifically for that. And now I can tease her and say “Oh you know, I think you should wear that nice teddy that you have” and ‘Oh I just got this new vibrator in the mail that I’m going to do a sex toy product review of and I would like to try that on you.”

Cathy: I can’t wait to get you alone. It’s away five more hours, I can build up it can be really fun.

Dan: But it’s something you really have to be steadfast about setting that time and not letting anything push it out because if you do then it starts getting nonsense. I used to put on my calendar like every Tuesday at a certain time we’re going to have sex and after 3 weeks that was great… But then the 4th weeks we blew it off the sun very slow. And that Tuesday never came again.

Cathy: Yeah, Well I think when I … it might be that you want to have date, maybe your date with 8oclock on Friday. And either one of is not feeling well or just really tired. It’s like how do you follow through with that when you’ve agreed but well it’s been such a long week. I really want to connect with you but I’m not. And I think that the person that someone was tired wins but there’s sometimes a way as you can compromise is like I can hold you while you masturbate or maybe I’ll play with you flora vital while you masturbate or let’s set the alarm for an hour earlier tomorrow when I’m awake. And so there’s a ways that people can work through stuff but there are times when was like I can meet both of these needs at the same time. And it’s hard when you’re a couple and your partners like “But honey “having communication can really help that. I like the idea of just setting aside the time for that.

Dan: And sometimes you have to look at the motivations behind it to. Is it you’re really tired or is there something else is going on?

Cathy: Like a resentment between the two of you and you don’t want to be that close.

Dan: And one things that I know we have done is with my wife Elizabeth we, she didn’t want to have sex that’s something I said “no I think you’ll feel better if we do” and she grudgingly agreed. But we did it and it worked great she was amplified her energy was now positive it change her whole attitude from being angry like she was before to being more receptive. You have to look at why you’re doing to.

Cathy: I know it’s a great idea and there are times when someone kind of pushing me a little bit it’s okay I’ll do it because you’re pushy. but we do get to have boundaries and say “No, I don’t want to do that” there’s a difference between me like wow just be resistant it’s okay unlike my friend or my partners pushing me and there’s times like “No, I’m not a yes to this.” So I think that it’s important to talk about it and realize it’s not a rejection of you. If I want to be like I’m just too tired tonight you know maybe tomorrow although there’s. A lot of us who brought up there say if someone rejects sex especially if the man rejects sex in our society there’s something wrong you’re not desirable. There’s is like Yeah, If you were desirable they will want to have a sex ever they are tired.

Dan: Not just think true.

Cathy: Yeah! Human needs to think.

Reid: We need a lot of things, there’s a lot of things that go on for us that can take us out of being in the mood and stress is one of the big killer of sex. You know deadlines for work tax season.

Cathy: Yeah!

Dan: Sorry I don’t mean to bring that up.

Cathy: How do you clear space for sex? This is Dan Powers from http://www.beyondthebedroomevents.com/

Dan: And this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: And when we go in we may have an appointment for like maybe scheduled a sex date or we’re just getting sexy with our partner all of a sudden we have we want to be to be really present and we’re like “oh my god I didn’t take out the trash I forgot to pay the electric bill I have that report to you tomorrow I forget to call my boss and tell him” It’s not very sexy there’s all this noise in the space that we’d really love to clear. And have like connected present time with our partner.

Dan: Yeah, so I’d say one of the things that I do is so I was talking earlier on another video that we actually create a schedule and put it in our calendar.

Cathy: Yeah.

Dan: And for me that tells me that I’ve got this time blocked specifically for this. So I compartmentalize and I push all these things back. And just don’t worry about it. Another thing that I do is, I go through a little bit of sermon so I’ve done a lot of talk through teaching, and a lot of is about sacred sexuality and creating ceremony room. So, I will go through a ceremony will rule ground and as part of that grounding process let go of everything that’s keeping us from being present in the moment. I do this with clients all the time too, you know what. You know that your drive here on the traffic and any worries that you might have. Like let’s let that go let’s breathe in, breathe out just kind of feel yourself letting things go and come grounded.

Cathy: Yeah, that’s beautiful I love doing a lot of books recommend this to and it works for me. Is having a specific space. Where that’s the like this bedroom is for sexy time. It’s not for doing work it’s not for is either for sleep or sex. And not having other things. In there because Pavlov’s dogs were the only ones that could be conditioned. Or if you have put out a certain lingerie or whatever it is to let you get in the space where like this is about this time. Um, and I also some people like to division a chest or above some kind of box, that they can put all the noise in and close the box for an hour and a half or two hours. Or some people write it down like if they don’t get it down on paper it’s spinning around there. and so they write it down and maybe even physically put it a little box or leave it in another room then it’s not in that space.

Dan: Now, I really liked that idea of creating your own special room more sex.

Cathy: If you can yeah.
Dan: We actually have that of my home where we do work in there as well where we see clients. But you know there’s a bed in that room, and lots of good sex happens in there and it’s specifically room for that. So you know it’s decorated nicely, it’s got lube there, it’s got oil with water heater, or heaters so that keeps it nice and warm for us we want that we’ve got toys in there, So yeah.

Cathy: Yeah and if you don’t have a room dedicated it could be that there’s a special bedspread that you put out and some candles when you’re like it transforms the energy of the room. Or that you walk around the room of the candle like the ritual part of it rituals exist because human brain goes “Oh, that’s what this means there’s a.

Dan: Kind of Lothian respond.

Cathy: Yeah, so you can actually create your own.

Dan: I love it.

Cathy: Yeah.

Dan: What ideas do you have?

Cathy: We’d love to know what you think. how you clear space for you to be really present during the sexy time?

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that. I have tons of orgasms when I’m by myself masturbating. But having orgasms with my partner is challenging. I’d love to hear what you have to say about that. And how can I go about having more orgasms with my partners?

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/.

Cathy: We really love when you write in these questions because there’s a rule of thumb for everybody who writes in a question. There’s probably a thousand people that are either dope to write in or afraid to write in and have the same problem. So one of the reasons we do these videos is so someone anywhere in the world at three in the morning can Google and here comes the answer at least some people. I can give them some direction and compassion.

Reid: We’re not alone in the things that we struggle with.

Cathy: So thank you for sharing

Reid: You’re not the only one.

Cathy: Yeah! Thank you, and thank you for opening the door for other people to get this information ,too.

Reid: Good job.. What’s your answer?

Cathy: I was looking to how you’re actually getting stimulated and are you taking care of your own body when you’re having sex. A lot of women are acculturated that were supposed to please their partner take care of them and were not listening to what our bodies need. So I have a lot of friends that are really fast to gate. I need a lot of foreplay, I need cuddling time. I need to feel connected with someone. I won’t usually orgasm if I don’t have those things so and my lovers know that if I’m not in the mood we cuddle usually like 20 minutes later, I’m like okay lets go. But just listening to your body and knowing what your body needs and if you orgasm me on your own. Then you’ve already gotten some ideas of what kind of stimulation will work for you. If you start incorporating it doesn’t have to be penis and vagina for it to be sex with your partner or if you’re loving your Hitachi can you use it while your partner is penetrating you. Or your partner use it on you and you can show them how you like to be touched and where. And start leaving that in so that you’re getting what your body needs met. You’re listening to what your body needs It’s like Wow I need to slow down or this is really hot but I’m not going to orgasm and I’d really like too can we try this thing?

Reid: This is awesome advice, I have to tell you what going on my mind.

Cathy: Okay Please..! Coz you were laughing.

Reid: Because I like, I know, this is like this is how this works in my head. So you are talking about you know using all the advice. Yes to all the advice Cathy just said. So, one of the things I think is most that is not the most challenging but a challenge for penis owners is that culture told us to be real man.

Cathy: You have to fuck her to orgasm..

Reid: You have to fuck her to orgasm… We have a lot of weirdness around our partners getting off as a sign of our own masculinity. and I’m saying this is a cisgendered guy because you could be a trans person and identifying whatever gender and have a penis and maybe the acculturation is there for you or not. Generally speaking whatever your gender most people feel more sexually accomplished when they got their partner off. What we don’t talk about is if you have a lover who only reaches orgasm by using a Hitachi in this example.

Cathy: There are plenty of people if that’s the case.

Reid: Your penis could be blessed by angels and it’s not going to fucking do this trick. So the flip as a sex geek is “Oh how do you like to cum? Like what gets you off really well and how do we take what you’re doing and pair it into, invite it into how we play together. So for me there’s a long story but it’ll be worth it I think so for me it’s like, Oh so if a lover tells me “oh well… I only cum from Hitachi” my immediate responses will” do you want to bring me Hitachi with us?” Let’s have a threesome like you know and then will you show me because I want to know because it will help my creativity.

Cathy: Oh well it’s really geeky to watch someone show you. And then Guys is it right? How about this? Do you like this..?

Reid: the other thing that’s happening is I am imprinting or not imprinting I’m role modeling that it’s okay for you to use Hitachi in bed. Because a lot of people who only get of only using toys feel shame that because the other side of the acculturation is there. If I can’t cum by your penis there’s something wrong with me. So again normalize the shit out of whatever needs to happen, right? If you can only cum by me talking to you in my Batman’s voice, please tell me that! Because my batman voice is amazing and then. I will dirty talk of streak in my batman voice.

Cathy: I want to hear this dirty talk in batman voice.

Reid: That’s another video… Not a problem …But then it’s like you know, So now I’m can fucking you or like … “Oh my god this is so amazing I’m going to bust my [Inaudible 00:05:10]” you know whatever…right? That’s horrible but do you like it like that? Don’t you..? Take it robin … oh now were doing role play. I’d like to do role play all day.. But if that is what you need, I won’t what are the odds I’m going to pull out of the eater’s batman voice, Robin role play plus Hitachi on your clit exactly like this in this position only.

Cathy: But it would probably makes you feel like a rock star if you if someone told you and you could do that.

Reid: Maybe I’m like “Oh.. My fragile masculinity my penis that was blessed be angels is not enough”. But I’m.. I have the emotional IQ to realize oh that’s both that’s culture fucking with me. Let’s get back to that voice and Hitachi. Where this all comes to wear like 3 minutes ago or 5 minutes ago. I was sitting here being like what’s going on? Was the image of I like to lie on my stomach and have people straddle my ship, my neck who have all of us and have them basically hump in reverse cowgirl the little knob on the base of my skull there’s a name for that spot. Somebody tell me what that’s called. I love that it’s hot for me and it feels great. Now I’m like I need somebody to buzz off while they do it. Because I’m like that would probably that vibration on their clit and on my skull would probably feel awesome. so that’s the reason I needed to tell you what was going on. But why that’s such a fun idea for me is normalizing that I can use a vibrator I’m asking for think something I really like. If you cum on my skull I just think that’s fun and cool because who gets to do that? And it doesn’t to be about my penis.

Cathy: It’s harder to hear batman voice when you’re faced total effect..

Reid: I know… it’s harder, harder, dude, harder! So we should probably in this video it’s been going on for way too long.

Leave a comment in your best batman voice.

Cathy: So someone wrote in and said, I just started listening to Everyone Wants to Have Better Sex with Crystal Bergen and I love it especially the threesome episode with Reid. So, cut into a chase, how does a married couple go about finding someone you could to have a threesome with? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/ Well I mean, there’s a lot of advice that we can go through, the main resource I would point at is go to http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/threesomes and

Cathy: It’s a great.

Reid: That that link should bring to a little like workbook and audio where you and your partner can ask yourselves bunch of questions and write down a bunch of answers to get clarity which will help you figure out where you should be looking, I can almost guarantee you that the drunkest person at the bar

Cathy: Is not a good fit.

Reid: Is not the right person and the first questions are should it be somebody you guys already know? Should it be a stranger, should it be a stranger who lives a hundred miles away from here so we don’t run into them at the grocery store or the PTA meeting, there’s a couple of you know questions that will help you start to hone where you’re looking and one of the places that you should think about going is looking for community where people gather who are open to these kinds of ideas.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Not necessarily that you’re scoping out everybody to to sleep with it’s so you don’t feel alone.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: So that you can talk to people about like, what were their mistakes that they made? What were you know things that worked really well for them, you have like a fact-finding mission where you’re also building community and getting to know people which just in case you happen to like each other you already know them and and you’re like hey I think you person that we had delightful conversations with and who has seemed to have a great joy of having threesomes, I think we could use your help, would you like to help us and that would be a particular way to start.

Cathy: Another thing, you could do is if you’ve never gone to a cuddle party together, go together and notice what comes up with your partner’s cuddling with someone else, if you’re cuddling together with someone it could bring up, you can work through a lot of things and get a lot of understanding of what, about what you each need.

Reid: Because it’s a non-sexual situation where the stakes are lower but it might give you some clues as to emotional things you might need to navigate if you’re actually going to make it more sensual.

Cathy: Right and you can also if you there’s meetups near you or you can meet people, massage parties or other things like that where people are getting together and touching. One you’re probably going to meet people that are more likely to, that are touch-friendly and then you can also work through some of the issues like oh I notice that I really need the two of us to live together or like that person to be gone and we have some time together whatever it is.

Reid: Yeah, don’t go to a cuddle party hitting on people.

Cathy: No. No.

Reid: To find somebody for a threesome that’s not what we’re saying. Right?

Cathy: Yeah. Right. No no no, I didn’t mean it that way.

Reid: Just checking, just checking..

Cathy: No, but you can probably find if you go to massage party or a play party, you’re more likely to meet people that are play friendly.

Reid: Well, for a play party.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: I know a lot of massage therapist that go to massage event

Cathy: Just for massage.

Reid: They’re not looking for a threesome.

Cathy: Right. I’m just saying that some people that go to them are more touch friendly and sex-positive, the ones I’ve been to.

Reid: Okay. You should invite me to those.

Cathy: Okay.

Reid: I’m just saying if you want to.

Cathy: Don’t use them to hit on people.

Reid: Yeah. Play parties, you can use them to hit on people because that’s an event where people are coming together to potentially have some sort of sex or sensual encounter and so you know I think cuddle parties, non-sexual massage parties, if you can find those, those are great for you and your partner to dip your toes in and

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And see what it’s like to have somebody else touching you to watch somebody else touching your partner or cuddling with your partner, but I wouldn’t use those to try to find you know, hey we’re here trying to look for a threesome.

Cathy: Yeah, it shouldn’t be your [Inaudible 00:04:16].

Reid: Play party, totally fine to do that.

Cathy: But you can also go to https://www.okcupid.com/ or Plenty Of Fish http://www.pof.com/ Some of those, the dating sites, if you’re looking for dating, be specific, if you’re looking just for a hookup be specific, but you might meet some cool people that way.

Reid: Yeah, yeah. What would you do? Where would you find your people? Check it out, leave comments.

Cathy: If you’re at a play party and someone talks about sharing their mildest and wildest, what does that mean? I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.IntimacyDojo.com/ A play party for those of you who are just tuning in is the newfangled word for an orgy and yes there are orgies happening all over the place. What was the question?

Cathy: If someone asks

Reid: Mildest to wildest!

Cathy: Yeah. I heard you share this.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: And I love it.

Reid: So I have a very particular, I have a lot of ideas and views on how to throw play parties, there are lots of different kinds of designs but the design that I like to use is where you have a welcoming circle, an ice-breaking circle at the beginning of the workshop so that everyone is on the same page so that people feel like they they’ve met each other and one of the ice-breaking exercises, one of the rounds make for the welcome circle is the mildest and wildest which I think I got from Monique Darling

Cathy: Who runs awesome play parties,

Reid: Who runs awesome play parties and maybe it that also the mildest wildest also came from Kamala Devi, so we all steal little things from each other’s play parties because they work really well so if I’m not accrediting it, I apologize, please leave in the comments who I really got that from and it might have existed in other communities as well.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: I’m probably not the first person to ever come up with this ice-breaking exercise which is you share, you go around the circle and you have people share what would be the mildest thing that could happen at the play party that they either do, or watch or help somebody pull off. What’s the mildest thing that as they’re driving home from the evening they’re like wow, that was, this was a good event and then what is the wildest thing, what is the wildest thing that you could watch or participate in or help somebody do and you’re walking home being like or driving home being like whoa this was awesome and then you have people share in a sentence or two what their mildest wildest is and that people could also pass, they don’t have to share, they could just share one but it’s a great way for people to get to know each other and also be like, I didn’t even know you could ask for that. I’m going to copy and paste that into my list of things I want to try to go for tonight or do it in another party, so it’s not about guaranteeing that any of it happens, but it’s about getting people to think about what would what would be really nice for them in either side of the spectrum and getting them to share with each other.

Cathy: Yeah and I love how it tunes people in. I’m actually thinking of about using that for regular parties too just like having go through a circle and share that because it gets people tuned in to what’s important to them and it lets other people help create it.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: And a lot of times for the mildest it’s like great conversation or a cuddle or back massage or..

Reid: Just that everyone gets home safely.

Cathy: Sometimes, but it helps people know, oh that person asked for a massage and I was encouraged like you’ve encouraged people to but be very specific on what they want because if they say, a lot of sex, it’s harder for people to get connected to that.

Reid: Where as you want , I want a foot rub while somebody makes out with me then there might be somebody like oh I love giving foot rubs, you like foot rubs, I can give you a foot rub and then somebody else’s like oh my god I love kissing, we can, I’ll kiss you while you get a foot rub and then when you share those specific things, it helps people figure out if they want to help.

Cathy: And yeah one person asks, he said he wants to practice his hand sex at the last one, that was the wild for him, he wanted to practice hand sex and I think he got 4 to 5 requests during the evening and he had a really good time but people knew what to ask him for and even if you don’t want to do that thing, maybe you’ve already done it or maybe you changed your mind, that’s okay now you have a dialogue going.

Reid: Yeah, if you’re interested in more information about sex parties, I’d go to http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/playparty I’d have more information at that link and that link doesn’t exist yet so…

Cathy: You got to get off here and do that.

Reid: I got to get off my butt. Yeah, so what do you think? How would you what would your mildest or wildest be? Leave a comment.