Do you compare yourself to others? Who doesn’t! Especially when it comes to intimacy and relationships. 
Our primitive brain is constantly evaluating how we “stack up” to others. There is a prevailing sense of LACK of love and connection that drives people to grab on and cling to their partner and guard against any “threats” to their love needs getting met.
We’re conditioned by glossy magazines, advertising, fashion models, sports, and high pressure workplaces to compare ourselves to others… and to figure out where we stand.
The trap comes when our primitive brain sees someone who is better at something we value. The subconscious then generalizes and may conclude: “Oh, she’s better at THAT… therefore she’s better than me.”

It’s hard to form mutual loving connection when you’re competing. You aren’t  focusing so much on the connection you have with your loved one… you’re sending most of your attention to the person you’re “competing” with.

What if Love and Connection aren’t so very rare as we think? What if there are just some skills missing to bring it to light?

If you look at a rough diamond, it looks like a lump of rock. It’s hard to see the abundance and beauty. Some polishing can help it shine bright.

Could you learn some new skills and suddenly be able to see the diamonds all around you?

In the old paradigm, I have to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, and most talented… and make the most money… to deserve any love or attention. I have to be at the top of the heap for everything, or I feel like crap.

A lot of us are taught that game as children. You could have just won the Nobel Prize and someone else makes everyone laugh… and you feel like you’re not good enough. We’re taught to look at life that way, as a competition, and it can get in the way of being close and loving.

In our emotional world, it is not really about who is the smartest, prettiest, or who has the quickest comeback. Those things are great. But they’re not enough.

Have you ever hung out with a beautiful person you didn’t connect with? It might be fun for a bit. And then, after awhile, you just didn’t feel heard or seen. It started to feel flat. You might even have blamed yourself.

The funniest person in the world is obnoxious to hang out with if he doesn’t see you, if you don’t feel connected and aligned.

You don’t have to be funny. You don’t have to be gorgeous. You don’t have to this tall or this skinny or that… PERFECT. You get to be YOU. When you are being self-expressed and present, the people who match with you will light up and shine like that diamond!

In a world where so many people are upset and not noticing each other, who doesn’t want someone around who can help them shine?

So many of us are caught up in our own stories, and evaluating ourselves and others, we’re not even present with each other. And we may not have the skills (or feel confident using the ones we have).

Making the transition from one set of Life Rules based on competition and perfectionism… to Connection and Freedom…takes some practical exercises,  and experienced guidance on how to open up while feeling safe and confident. If that sounds like what you are looking for, we’d recommend getting our Breaking Out of Your Shell program as a next step.

Warm smiles,
Cathy Vartuli, Rick Wilkes, and Reid Mihalko