Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from discuss how mindfulness can increase connection and enjoyment in relationships.

Reid: Why are you pushing me? Quit hogging the camera.

Cathy: Your big shoulder is on the way.

Reid: That’s not very mindful of you. So we stopped at mindfulness.

Cathy: Yes. This is Cathy Vartuli from

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from I’m Reid Mihalko from

Cathy: No.

Reid: No.

Cathy: We’re talking about mindfulness.

Reid: Yes.

Cathy: How does that make connection better? Why is it important? Why do we even care?

Reid: I’m such a jackass. I’m like, “You tell us, you’re the mindful one.” It makes connection better because — for the most part, some people get challenged by people being present.

Cathy: It can be frightening. It can be very intense.

Reid: Especially if you’ve never had it before, and then you’re, “Why are you staring at me?” And again, mindfulness and presence doesn’t have to be this tantra, Northern California, “Let’s eye gaze. I’m being present with you. Eyes are the gateway to the soul.” It can be that, but sometimes that is just creepy. What mindfulness is for me, is my intention is to connect with you, to be present, and I’m kind of like in a mediation way, for those of you who meditate, you just notice your thoughts and then you just try to gently steer yourself back onto what you’re focusing on. So my focus is you, we’re creating some sort of experience with you, and then when I get distracted, I just kind of notice that and then come back.

Cathy: Yes, it’s not about getting beaten and beating yourself up, it’s just, “Okay, now we’re back here.”

Reid: Yes. Where that works in for presence and touch is taking mindfulness and combining it with presence and touch and really just slowing down. We talk about this in the energetic sex videos, slowing down enough to be able to feel what you’re touching, which will often be the speed for your partner to be able to feel you touching, versus just going so fast and there’s a time and place for that, but it’s a different thing.

Cathy: I’m much more likely to get out of here and now if I have expectations or, “I will be a success if I do this.” If I’m aiming for something rather than just being in the experience, in the moment. If I can push, like okay, “It doesn’t matter what place you get to, it doesn’t matter what you accomplish, it’s what you experience in the moment.”

Reid: It’s like non-attachment applied in the bedroom and there’s a joke there about non-attachment to bras and having them fly off, but that being said, if you have an agenda, like let’s say I want to take your bra off, I can do that in a mindful and present way and create more sensation by going slower and traveling at a speed that we can both pick up the depth of the experience. It’s like eating a peach really quickly is not necessarily mindful, versus you’re eating slow enough to feel your gums cut through the flesh of the peach, feel the juice, what’s the temperature — it sounds kind of dirty, but being mindful with touch and with sex will often make it much richer.

Cathy: Yes. It’s the old clich√© being present with the journey rather than looking at the destination.

Reid: You can start with the destination, “I’m going to get that person’s bra off” and then, “All right, now how can I make this more erotic?

Cathy: Yes. So, we’d love to hear your comments and try it and let us know.

Reid: It works with underwear too.


More articles on improving communication and relationship skills:

Mindful Touching

How Saying No Can Create Connection