As A Ciswoman, How Do You Flirt With Other Women Easily?
Cathy: We have something from one of our….our fans out there and I love that they write in
Reid: We have fans?
Cathy: Yeah. No, they said they’re our fan
Reid: Oh my, they’re still our fan?
Cathy: Yeah. First of all, congratulations I’ve been watching all of your videos and I love them and especially it’s like I’d love to see how Cathy gets more and more confident with time. You’re awesome, thank you. And it was like my first ones are like “oh”.
Second, I have a question I’m a ciswoman in a long-term relationship with a guy who is more than okay with me hooking up with other women. However, I have a hard time not coming under the radar because everyone sees me as straight not blaming them I do have a boyfriend and once I decided girls attracts me I feel creepy….creepy going to a lesbian mode and trying to flirt with her. How can I signal? I also like women and particularly them your individual ones without being creepy or handing out business cards? I also have a hard time flirting this but this seems to be ultra-hard with trying not to be creepy.”
And so thank you so much for writing in. I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Well, obviously you just tell them you’re a fan of ours and that solves everything. This is Cathy Vartuli from https://theintimacydojo.com/. Cathy, your advice go.
Cathy: So I actually I’m going to tell her your advice. Is it okay?
Reid: Go ahead.
Reid: You stole everything else.
Cathy: Sorry guys. He’s having an emotional thing.
Reid: Next question. Next question.
Cathy: Yeah. So I….I like to I actually….Reid taught me this but I will go up to someone and say “hey” and I usually mentioned something about them that’s not physical appearance like “I….I really loved how warm your smile is, your eyes are just really you know warm and inviting. I’m wondering if I can flirt with you a little?” So I….I usually don’t like to use something like “oh your….your dress is really pretty or your hair you’re really beautiful” because I feel like a lot of people get that and it’s a little bit tried up for a while. Find something that really genuinely attracts you about them “your laugh was really infectious. I’d like to get to know you a little better and I kind of like to flirt. Is it okay if I do that badly with you?” And so that just that lets them know what I’m trying to do and I let them know that I’m awkward at it. So if it comes across creepy it’s mostly because I’m just really bad at flirting too but that…..that advice has worked for me another…..a number of times. So just going up and saying “hey.”
Another thing is just to say “hey and you just share what your problem is” like go up and go to someone and say “hey, I find myself kind of attracted to you and one of my problems is because I have a boyfriend a lot of people think I’m straight. I’m not and is it okay if I flirt with you?” So
Reid: So flirting has a lot to do with building connection or relatedness and then in…..in the way that I do it, making clear what your agenda is or your objective and then as….as…. in doing it in a way that’s an invitation for people to be playful with you because for me flirting is about being playful with another human being and inviting them to be playful back but because we live in at least I’ll speak for the United States. In American culture we are not good with flirting because there’s all these rules and….and people feel like he can’t be controlled and it spirals out and what if I give mixed messages
Reid: and then you know if…..if a guy if I’m a woman and a guy thinks I’m flirting with him but I’m not then he might get upset and you know there’s all kinds of bullshit sexist bullshit about that. So the big thing is letting people know what you would like to do and inviting them to do it along with you and you know as awkward as that seems it’s for a lot of people who can get up the courage to do that it reorients what’s happening and if you’re worried about what people are going to think then I would add that in in a way as like “hey, I’m practicing flirting. I would like to flirt with you
Reid: and I’m worried that you’ll think I’m straight. Would you
Cathy: I like that one done.
Reid: mind us practicing together?” And then you know you know and again like with a little bit of practice it then all of a sudden you’re like “oh, I know what to say because it’s just kind of obvious to say what’s obvious” but people we’re so worried about what other people are thinking and we’re trying to calibrate to what we think the other person will be okay with that it’s really hard for us to capture our own obviousness if that made sense. So with a little bit of practice you don’t need a script. You just need to kind of lead with what’s true and then do it in a way that’s not creepy which is usually you’re trying to hide something. So if you have a concern and you didn’t own up to it that can occur like something’s weird.
Cathy: Or you’re trying to appear very suave when you don’t look suave at all.
Reid: Yeah like you’re not being authentic. So when you’re trying to hide something the other thing that can occur is creepy air quotes is when people are starving for something or so worried about being crushed that there’s this like this energy about it that when you try to talk to somebody a lot of people who are sensitive to that are just like “what the fuck is going on?”
Cathy: I’ve been there done that.
Reid: That tends to be creepy in those two instances the…..the other kinds of things that tend to put people off are something that is so clunky that people then fear for their lives like if you know it’s kind of like the…..the stumbling drunk like you’re like “whoa” and then you’re worried that they’re going to crash into you kind of a thing. So there’s like the social awkward of social awkward crashing into me. That could be another thing and I mean there’s probably a gazillion and then at the top of my head the other thing is when you haven’t hung out with enough people who are a neurotypical who are just you know they you know either they’re kind of on the Asperger’s spectrum or you know whatever…..they’re just different and you haven’t hung out maybe you….you’d never grow you didn’t grow up with…..with friends like this or you’ve never hung out with…..with people like this so….so somebody doesn’t know what’s happening like they’re like “what is happening?” The other thing is people who are high. I don’t really get high so sometimes people were talking to me and I’m like “what’s going on?” And then a friend is like “you know that person is stoned out of their mind or tripping out of their mind.” And all of a sudden I’m like
Reid: “oh….oh this makes sense.”
Reid: So those are different versions of creepy but it sounds like for this person who wrote this email that and thank you for your emails
Reid: that if you live with just being vulnerable and being inviting and playful, you’ll probably be fine.
Cathy: And one…..just a bonus tip start practicing with some people that you know you’re not ultra-crushed out on because it’s so hard to flirt with people you’re ultra-crushed out on if you haven’t gotten some practice with. So like find some people that you would like to flirt with, that you genuinely interested in but you know they’re interested in……at three or four not at twelve.
Reid: Yeah and if you’re if you’re if you’re forced with, you’re trapped in an elevator with somebody who you’re having a crush on just tell them. Just be like “just you know I might act a little weird around you because I have a huge crush on you. I will try to be as savvy…..savvy as I can with that and by the way I would like to flirt with you. A lot of people think I’m straight. I’m not, would you mind me flirting with you?” And then just look at them like this because you’re trapped in the elevator remember. That’s what I would do. What are your comments? What do you think about this situation? And we also have a lot of flirting advice on this channel.
Reid: So you just…..just do a search a channel search for flirting.
Cathy: Yeah. Thanks so much for writing in. I hope you enjoyed the videos and leave some more comments. We’ll try to get to them.
Reid: Hit subscribe.