Asking Your Partner To Wash The Sheets After He Had Sex With Others…

Cathy: So my partner….someone wrote in and said “my partner is having a partner someone over to our house when….for date which is totally fine we’ve agreed on that but is it fair for me to ask him to wash the sheets after they have sex in our bed?”
This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko and this is Cathy Vartuli from Is it fair?

Cathy: Yes. They wanted to know is it fair is it is it is it being too picky to ask him to wash the sheets.

Reid: It’s not too picky to have anyone wash the sheets after they do stuff unless you have some agreement that you know you’re the sheet washer of the family. The….the….the best analogy I can come up with this is a lot of people you know if you do the cooking in the kitchen then you do the cleaning in the kitchen or if you do the cooking in the in the kitchen then I’ll do the cleaning in the kitchen. When it comes to sex a lot of people get really weird about rules and what’s fair and what’s not fair and it’s not about fairness, it’s more about what everyone needs to feel good and feel comfortable. I don’t think it’s out of its off… to ask somebody if they used this you know had sex in your bed or each other’s bed with another lover to have them you know “can you change the sheets?” I don’t think it’s unfair your partner might be look “but honey, the sheets aren’t dirty.”

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: and now you’re having a conversation “yeah, but my need is that you know can we change the sheets?”

Cathy: Yeah. “I’m fine with you having sex in the bed and I need that she…..I need to know sheets are changed so I can feel safe and comfortable sleeping.”

Reid: It… for….feel for whatever. Like you don’t have….you know…you don’t have to justify why you need the sheets change although your partner might want to know maybe they’re like we’re…..we’re saving water and we’re saving the environment. In

Cathy: Then go have sex outside.

Reid: In that case

Cathy: and don’t wash the sheets.

Reid: in that case you know take the sheets off and save them until you have enough laundry for a full load. You don’t have to wash the sheets right away

Cathy: If you have several pairs.

Reid: I mean so….I have a conversation if it’s a difficult conversation, there’s a Difficult Conversation Formula at but no it’s….it’s not about what’s fair because there is a conversation about what’s fair and what’s equal I would approach it more from the situation of what do my partners need to feel loved, honored and cherished? And then you know with Allison when I have lovers in our bed she was just like “can you just can you take my pillows off the bed because I don’t want other people’s hair or perfume in my pillows” and then I’m like “sure, that’s perfect….perfectly reasonable.” And if somebody thinks it’s unfair or unreasonable then ask them what you know what are their needs; why do you think that that’s unfair; why do you think that’s unreasonable? I’m really interested and let’s have a conversation about that and see what’s underneath.

Cathy: Yeah….yeah. I think it’s totally it’s okay to have whatever boundaries you both can agree on and if that person’s not willing to have those agreements then maybe they shouldn’t have companies….company over in the bed.

Reid: Yeah. Have….have them

Cathy: They could go someone else’s where

Reid: or get a get a foot on like maybe there’s a third answer.

Cathy: A mattress or something

Reid: Yeah. That makes all sense.

Cathy: Yeah, so yeah we hope this helps. We’d love to know what you think because poly relationships can be challenging. There’s a lot of different issues that come up with different feelings and there’s… Reid said, there’s no right or wrong. We don’t have to justify what we need to feel safe or feel good about ourselves or our home but it can feel awkward sometimes to ask for those things to like we’re being selfish or jealous or not really deep poly but deep poly is speaking up for what we need.

Reid: Alright, always try to approach it from what do people need to feel loved, honored and cherished and then if they can tell you what those things are and you can do them, I would start there and that works to monogamy too.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Alright, leave some comments. Hit subscribe. Bye!