At A Play Party But Not Playing?

Ever wondered if you should play at a play party? With Yoni Alkan from and Cathy Vartuli from

Dr. Yoni: We’re at a play party but we’re not playing, what the hell? Hi everyone! I’m Dr. Yoni Alkan from

Cathy: And I’m Cathy Vartuli from and play parties can be really hard

Dr. Yoni: Yeah.

Cathy: It can be

Dr. Yoni: Definitely

Cathy: hard to figure out how to participate if you should participate, do you want to participate?

Dr. yoni: Yeah and a lot of people need to find their groove and like everything that we do it’s kind of like a muscle we have to practice it and going to one play party and your experience in that play party does not indicate how you’re going to be 5, 10, 20 play parties ahead and how you would feel because you will feel more comfortable in….in play parties when you know what to expect.

Cathy: Well, I remember go….I remember going to my very first play party and seeing a bunch of people that really they were playing really like in a group and very they knew what they were doing and it was all it was very hot to watch but my brain went I should be playing like them if I want to fit in and belong. The thing is they known each other for years, they played together and I knew them I got to know them later they knew each other, they negotiated all this ahead of time. I showed up I didn’t really know anyone I didn’t have any sexual partners there and I felt very awkward and my brain was telling me that I was failing at play parties because I wasn’t in the middle of the room in front of everyone having this like amazing sex with all these people and so I told myself a story

Dr. Yoni: Right

Cathy: and I think a lot of people do that.

Dr. Yoni: Yeah. It’s really easy to get into your own mind and think about, “ahhh this is not working out, no one is approaching me, no one wants to play with me”

Cathy: and I blame it on… I’m a big woman and some people don’t prefer that which is fine but I tend to think, “oh! I’m just no one wants to play with a big woman”

Dr. Yoni: Right….right

Cathy: Which may not may or may not be the case

Dr. Yoni: That’s true that’s true and you know a lot of larger women get a lot of action

Cathy: Yeah

Dr. Yoni: you know it but in your mind it’s like “oh it’s because of that.”

Cathy: Yeah

Dr. Yoni: and it doesn’t necessarily have to be

Cathy: Or might be for someone else who could be a bald or too hairy or too skinny or whatever it is

Dr. Yoni: Right and for me and I can say that I come from because I am cis hetero white man, I feel like “oh, am I intimidating to some people?”

Cathy: Well, so we should define cis means born to the gender born in to the gender that you were you’re assigned like

Dr. Yoni: Yes.

Cathy: it fits

Dr. Yoni: My….my….my sex correlates with the gender that I portray.

Cathy: You fit into the gender that you were… they assigned you at birth

Dr. Yoni: Right

Cathy: and hetero means

Dr. Yoni: hetero means

Cathy: heterosexual

Dr. Yoni: heterosexual you have sex with the other gender where white pretty self-explanatory

Cathy: Yeah

Dr. Yoni: on a man as well.

Cathy: Yes

Dr. Yoni: So, a lot of people don’t know but being in that in that demographic is intimidating for many populations.

Cathy: Well, I think in the Bay Area if that’s you know where people go there’s a lot of queer and lesbian and there’s it’s not the same as born and lived in Dallas it was a very different energy.

Dr. Yoni: I’m sure, yeah. But….but the same goes to hetero dating because you are a man you could be threatening

Cathy: Yeah

Dr. Yoni: to women. So at a play party that the same goes and generally when I when I approach someone not even in a play party it feels like I have to remember that just by being me I bring together I’d bring with me a huge baggage that is not even mine.

Cathy: They’ve other people may have stories about it or beliefs about it.

Dr. Yoni: Exactly.

Cathy: Well, just like you did this for…to indicate men I know some….some people who identify as female that she’s they….they have facial hairs

Dr. Yoni: Facial hairs. Yeah

Cathy: So, there’s it’s….it’s a lot about this we tell each other stories. We tell stories about other people that’s humans, humans do that.

Dr. Yoni: Right.

Cathy: But how much of it is true? Can we step outside the stories we’ve been telling that we’ve come become accustomed to

Dr. Yoni: Right.

Cathy: and say “hey, like go up to people we don’t know” that’s one of my things at a party. If I don’t know anyone, I rarely play I…I tend to be someone who needs to connect differently

Dr. Yoni: Yeah.

Cathy: but like I’ve….I… my goal is to go up to talk to at least three people that I’ve never met before and it doesn’t have to be a sexual thing and just like “hey how are you doing? What….what are you noticing about the party?” Or whatever it is.

Dr. Yoni: Right. And….and I think a lot of people forget it happens to a lot of people that they are so eager about “oh my god! This is a play party.”

Cathy: Yeah

Dr. Yoni: We can have sex with people where they forget that there are humans in front of you and let’s get to know them as humans and interact with them not with the goal of having sex but with the goal of enjoying time with other people.

Cathy: I think part of it is our society tends to keep people held back so much that when they’re finally a lot of people when they’ve been when they’re released into this place where it’s okay. They’ve been held suppressed they just kind of burst like they’re like “Ahh!

Dr. Yoni: Ahhhh!

Cathy: I’m going to have sex” and….and I see a lot when I ….newcomers I can almost always spot because they have that energy of they’re not treating people like “oh, you’re human being. I don’t even know if I want to have sex with you but I want to get to know you a little bit” and then “am I in the mood? Am I connecting with this other person?” Versus “oh my god! I must have the sex because I’m at a sex party. I must have the thing.”

Dr. Yoni: Right. And….and….and the other thing that we did we actually talked about this a lot in cuddle parties where people

Cathy: Which are non-sexual

Dr. Yoni: which are non-sexual. Thank you for that distinction. People telling you no does not mean anything about you. It could definitely be any a…..a….a plethora of….of reasons

Cathy: Yeah.

Dr. Yoni: And it could be what you’re offering, it could be that person in that moment, it could be that situation, it could be that they really have to pee right now, it could be really so many different things and you….you should not take it upon yourself that “oh my god. I’m a failure, no one wants me.”

Cathy: Yeah.

Dr. Yoni: Yeah.

Cathy: And for me a lot of that depends on how full my tanks are if I’m feeling really like my….my I’m depleted, I’m tired, I’m hungry then I’m going to feel the nose harder.

Dr. Yoni: Right.

Cathy: Than if I’m gotten enough rest, I had some meal, I’m there with a friend because I…I tend to do much better when I’m with a friend just a buddy then I’m like “oh, okay. Yeah, no problem you know I’ll find someone else to hang out with.” But realize that we all vary and how well we take that and just try to have be compared be compassionate to yourself.

Dr. Yoni: Yeah, definitely. Oh my god, we touched on so many subjects

Cathy: Yeah

Dr. Yoni: in such a short period of time.

Cathy: Yeah. Leave comments below. We’d love to know what you think.

Dr. Yoni: Yeah. Let us know what you think. Thank you.

Cathy: Yeah.